Love and Memories
by jc52185
Summary: Sequel to Amnesia. "I have slept with thousands in my years here in this world. Thousands," Eric repeats not exactly making me feel better. "But only you have made me feel. With you it was best. Only with you has it felt so right, so perfect." He hesitates before looking up and meeting my gaze. "I am hoping you will help me find out why."
1. Standing Still

**Important note – When I first posted the last chapter of Amnesia it was missing a short paragraph under EPOV about the flashback later in this chapter. The flashback should explain it all but I wanted to let you know in case you wanted to go back and read it. **

_I feel broken down_

_Do you need me_

_Like I need you_

_Or am I standing still_

_Beneath the darkened sky - Jewel_

Another silent car ride, though I will admit I am surprised that Pam is letting it remain a silent car ride. In the past few weeks, she has wanted to talk to me about issues as they come up. Well, I have a feeling that what happened with Eric will turn out to be an issue for me. Probably, a big issue for me.

I look over to Pam for the first time since I got into the car. Correction, since Pam put me in the car. She practically carried me out after my sobs finally got under control. She had sat me in her van and buckled my seat belt, securing me safely in my seat. It was only then that I asked about my things that were still in Eric's house.

"I will bring most of the things back to your house in the next few days."

"Most? Why not all? I doubt I will be having any more sleepovers any time soon, Pam."

"I will keep some of your things at my house. You will be welcome there if you need a safe haven. It will also be easier to collect your things from my place should the Queen require more of your assistance at short notice." She sais it in such a way that made me think she had a feeling that would be happening. Pam had then shut the passenger door and made her way to the driver's seat. That had been the only words said throughout the trip so far.

Looking at Pam, she seems to be deep in thought. There's a look on her face that I have never seen there before. She seems to be struggling keeping her expression…steady. She glances over at me and we share eye contact. I look away knowing that I won't ask her what's wrong right now. Because if I ask her, I am sure questions aimed towards me will follow. That's not something I think I can handle at the moment. So instead I turn on the radio, hoping to put off talking about much of anything.

Because I don't think either of us is feeling very chatty at the moment. There is obviously something bothering the driving blond vampire just as I am sure it's obvious that there is something bothering me. That's a bit of an understatement. If Pam wants to talk I'll listen to her but I doubt she would want me asking questions. So instead, I rest my head against the window and close my eyes, hoping I won't be asked any questions right now either.

I feel the car come to a stop and it turns off. I take that as my cue that we have arrived and open my eyes. Of course when I do, my sight is on my wrist with Eric's bite marks in it. Apparently, I had been rubbing the marks for a while as I see my hand move over them even as I stare at them, thinking back to how they got there.

_Eric collapses at my side to lay next to me as I try to get my breathing back to normal. I can't help but feel a bit empty as he pulls out of my body to do so. I slowly turn from my back to my side so I can face him as his hand moves to my face and gently swipes a piece of hair behind my ear. He strokes my cheek as he tells me, "I want to exchange blood with you."_

_I tense and I know he sees it. He doesn't say anything though. He moves his arm to where it can stroke mine and waits until I am ready to talk. _

_According to Eric, if we exchange three times, the bond we form will be permanent. Exchanging blood with Eric tonight would get us just one more step closer to that arrangement. "You know what will happen if we do that," I say finally, no longer able to simply ignore the questioning look on his face. When had had appeared with apparently no memories I had explained why he could feel me. _

"_We will be closer."_

_I nod. "You will probably be able to feel me more. We didn't really talk about how the bond would progress. Just that by you helping to heal me that night would start one and after three mutual exchanges it would be permanent."_

"_If we exchange tonight, we will be closer to making it last forever," he says softly, kissing my forehead. He must feel me stiffen in his arms. "You do not want that," he says and I can hear the sadness in his voice._

"_It's not that," I tell him trying to explain. And it isn't, not really. It's not that I don't want it. It's not like the screaming no I sometimes hear and mostly ignore in my head. It's that this is all so very new. Part of me is worried that when Eric gets his memories he won't want it. I explain that to him and am confused as he smiles at words._

"_Is that why," he asks leaning down and kissing my lips. "Do not think there is one second where I do not want you," he says in between kissing my lips. "My memories could not change that. In fact," he adds pushing me on my back and rising above me. He kisses my lips on last time before beginning the descent down my neck while saying, "My memories will only enhance the need I feel for you. I know it"_

"_And if your memories don't come back," I ask, announcing my true fear to Eric. He pauses just as his lips had started to trace over my breast and he looks me in the eyes. Without missing a beat he says, "We make new ones. And guess what? We have already made several." The smirk on his face is back and his eyebrows are dancing across the top of his face as I can feel just how much he wants to make another memory pressing up against my leg. _

_I give him a smirk of my own and ask, "Again?"_

_His hand starts stroking down my side and instead of answering my question he repeats his again. It really won't be changing anything as far as I know. Eric can feel me now, so what does it matter if he can feel me stronger. We can still decide not to make anything permanent._

_Though I must admit, I don't like the way that thought makes me feel._

_I close my eyes, hoping I don't regret this decision tomorrow night. I nod and say, "Okay," and the smile that lights up his face is worth my decision. He is quickly at my neck, licking and gently biting not yet breaking the skin. It's almost enough to take my mind off what I wanted to say next. Almost, but not quite._

"_Wait," I tell him gently pushing him away. He backs away quickly and I can see the worry on his face. I reach up to cup it and say quickly, "I want to take yours first."_

_His smile at hearing that is almost bigger than when I had agreed to exchange blood. "I know that if I have your blood after you bite me, your marks would heal," I start to tell him. "I want to remember tonight. I want to remember how you make me feel. Maybe, if I take yours first, your blood won't heal me completely."_

"_You want my marks to stay on you?" I nod and tell him that's why I don't want them on my neck. His face goes down to my breasts at that information and I see the hunger in his gaze. _

"_Hold your horses," I tell him, fighting off a laugh. "I want to be looking at these marks when I miss you during the day," I explain. "I can't very well be looking down my shirt all day." I hold up my wrist and say, "I can cover them with a watch or bracelet, but I can still see them when I want to. I know it's not the most appetizing spot but," before he stops me by gently licking my offered wrist. I feel the lick in other places in my body and the feeling causes my eyes to close and a small groan to leave my body._

_When I start to feel his hand spread my lower set of lips I open my eyes and find myself staring right into his. I notice he's now sitting up on the bed, as his other hand appears in my line of sight, bloody at the wrist. Looking straight at his eyes, I take a hold of his wrist and pull it to my mouth, taking an experimental lick. A little groan manages to escape his lips. It's nothing like the groan he lets out when I pull his wrist even closer to my mouth and start to suck. His groan pales in comparison to my own, as it's no longer his hand I feel at my entrance as he pushes inside me in one swift movement._

_As he moves, I feel the wounds on his wrist close and I give one more lick making sure I get it all. He seems to like it as his own movements speed up. "Lover," he calls to me as my gaze once more meets his. My heart swells as I hear his name for me and I soon feel something else swelling, as I get close. It's when I feel Eric lift my wrist and lay a gentle kiss to it that I start to fall over the precipice. When he bites I feel like I am free falling while still in his arms. After he takes a few mouthfuls, he lazily gives the wounds one swift lick. _

_I look at my wrist and see that although his marks aren't bleeding anymore, they are still there. I smile at that and hope they'll remain. I want something help me remember what I feel right now. What I will tell Eric I feel when he wakes up tomorrow night. "Lover," he calls again, and the tone in his voice tells me I may not be the only one feeling this emotion. "You are perfect," he tells me pulling me into his body. I rub his arm and tell him, "You're not so bad yourself," letting out a yawn. I try to fight it but I can't help but fall asleep to the sound of his laughter. _

It's Pam's voice saying, "I could heal those for you if you want," that brings me out of my memory.

I look at her, already holding my door open for me, and shake my head, not even thinking about it. I even firmly cover the marks as if I am worried if I don't they will somehow disappear from my arm. "I wanted them so I would never forget how I felt last night," I tell her quietly. "Looks like I'll need it now more than ever even imagined." I thought tonight would turn out differently, but I meant it when I said I don't want to forget how Eric made me feel last night. I have never felt that cared for before, that lo… no. No, I can't even think of the word now.

I get out of the car and start heading to my house, looking at it for the first time since we arrived.I almost don't recognize the house that's right in front of me, which is odd because it looks almost exactly the same. Except that it's all so different too.

The windows on the first floor had been all smashed in the last time I was here. I was expecting to see wood covering them as that is what Eric and Alcide talked about that night. There wasn't any wood covering the window holes though. That's only because there were brand new windows. Eric had arranged to board up the windows but only until he arranged to have the replaced. And he didn't stop with just the ruined windows, I realize looking up at the second floor. All of the windows are new. They are the same style but are missing the holes in the screens and the dents and dings of wear and tear.

Getting out of the car, I take a few steps forward and see that the front door had been replaced as well. The design was slightly different, but it was a damn close match. And it wasn't hanging from only the top hinge.

That alone is a drastic improvement.

As I continue to step forward, a motion detector light clicks on, which is something that's not only damn convenient but could help keep me safe. When it clicks on, I see the house had had more than the paint job it first looked like. Some of the wood siding had also been replaced. Some of it had been in decent shape but I no longer see the dent where Jason had hit a baseball into it. Gran had let him have it for that one. And the pieces weren't splintered when he had ridden his bike into the house either.

I walk up the porch steps, to find they no longer creak and feel bouncy, like they will break. I do have to admit to being worried that they would, especially when Gran was still alive. There just was never enough money to fix it. Looking down the porch, I see the swing is still there but it has new chains.

Eric didn't miss much.

At this point, I am pleasantly surprised that I have been able to hold it together while seeing everything that Eric must have arranged done to my house. He didn't really change things; it was more like a restorative process.

And I wish Gran were here to see it.

Shaking my head I make my way to the front door but stop when I get to it. The lock to the door looks different making my keys to my own house useless. I panic for a second thinking I would have to call Eric to get into my own house. I may be holding it together, but talking to him was something I really didn't want to do right now.

Suddenly, an arm reaches past me with a set of keys to unlock the door before pressing the keys into my hand. Pam has to hold them against my hand for a few seconds before I seem to wake up and am able to take them myself. I look down when I realize I feel more keys than I would expect to on the little ring. I ask Pam, "Four copies?"

"He thought you might want to give your brother one and have a spare yourself."

"And the fourth?"

She hesitates before saying what I knew she would. "He was hoping you would give him a copy."

I nod and mutter, "Yeah that's so not happening."

I unlock the door and push it open. I am not exactly sure why I was able to hold myself together seeing what Eric had arranged for the outside of my house. Whatever it was, it doesn't work when I see the inside of the house.

I had expected to have to spend the night cleaning after see how the Weres tossed everything around without a care in the world. But there was nothing on the floor in the living room and I bet when I walked up to my room, everything would be put back in place too. Not only is everything simply picked up but also I can tell the floor has been polished. I can smell cleaning products as I walk through the living room into the kitchen. It seems like Eric arranged for the entire house to be cleaned. That knowledge is what sends the first tears silently down my face.

I hear Pam follow me into the kitchen, but with my back to her, she can't see that I am crying. She probably knows I am though. They always seem to realize it. I think they can smell them. "Eric arranged to have your house cleaned once a week while you were staying with him. He did not want you to be concerned about cleaning your first night back."

I clench my fists at the knowledge that he knows so much about me. He knows that the dust that would have built up in the last few weeks would have been enough to drive me crazy, let alone the disaster that occurred when the Were tornado whirled through here. "I don't get it, Pam," I tell her slamming my fists against the shiny, clean countertop. And I don't. I really, really don't. "How could he arrange all of this? How could he have cared so much to have all this be done and then," I say trailing off before the silent tears streaming down my face become loud sobs.

I could have convinced myself that I was imagining everything before Eric's memories were stolen. That getting closer to him had been nothing more than him helping me through Bill's attack. That he mattered more to me than I had to him. But evidence to the contrary was staring me right in the face as I walked through my house.

What the fuck had happened?

All I am getting throughout the night is no answers and more questions. Why had Eric seemed to want to take everything we shared back? Why would he even try to talk me into getting help to get through my past? Why would he have been concerned with my safety if I meant as little to him as his words suggested tonight?

Why, why, why?

As if it were her who was the telepath Pam asks, "Do you really have to ask yourself why he did all this, Sookie?" Her tone of voice starts to waver for the first time since I have met the female vampire. I am not exactly sure why I am hearing what I am in Pam's voice, but I again don't question her on it and stay standing with my back to her.

"I do, Pam. I really do. How could he arrange for all of this? How could he have kissed me and agreed to start a relationship. How could that relationship only grow better when he didn't have memories yet it still blew up in my face," I scream no longer trying to hide my sobs. "How could we have shared what we did? How could he have acted like," but I choke on my sobs not able to even say the words. I take a deep breath and finally turn towards Pam and say, "Only to want to take everything back. Like it means nothing. Like we mean nothing. Like I mean nothing."

I sink to the floor and lay my head in my hands. Pam is soon at my side and I can see the telltale red in her eyes that she herself is holding back tears. "Sookie, you are asking questions which means something doesn't feel right." She holds up a hand to stop me from saying anything when I start to open my mouth. "If something doesn't feel right, it's usually because it isn't."

Those words are what stop mine before they can escape my mouth. I have new thoughts racing through my head. "Is the curse broken, Pam," I ask wondering the meaning behind her words. But my hopes are dashed when she nods and says, "Eric's memories have returned."

"And that leaves me with why, Pam. Just so many whys." A thought then pops into my head. "Pam, you spoke with him," I say slowly. Okay well spoke may have been a loose definition of the yelling I had heard. "Why did he say those things?"

She opens her mouth as if she will say something but quickly closes it. She looks away before saying, "I can't."

"You mean you won't," I say sadly. Pam and I had gotten close but I don't fool myself. Her loyalty still is to Eric. So it's not that she can't but she won't because she is loyal to him. I can't fault her for that.

"No, Sookie," she says looking back at me. "I can't," she repeats with emphasis.

And the hidden meaning in her words springs into my mind. I can't believe it. "He commanded you not to tell me." How bad does it have to be for him to have commanded her? I close my eyes and will myself not to cry. I open them and Pam is shaking her head, as if saying that's not it. I ignore it as another thought flashes through my head. "I didn't hear him command you."

"It was before you were awake," she manages to get out. How much more had I missed? Before I can voice the question, Pam's phone rings. She looks at it and quickly presses a button and the ringing stops. But it starts again in a few seconds.

And there is only one person who would be calling Pam again seconds after she dismissed the first call. She surprised me further by throwing her phone across the room. It hit the wall and shattered, but not before making a nice hole in my wall. Pam lets out a groan and tells me she will have it repaired before she shrinks down until she is sitting on the ground.

The behavior from the vampire is worrisome because it is nothing like she usually behaves. I sink down to the ground to join her. Pam has offered me so much comfort in the last week and I hope to return the favor. Well, if she will let me of course. That and maybe welcome the distraction.

"You're not answering his calls," I say hoping that will start her talking. Something had been bothering her all night but she had been holding I together until he called.

"Why would I want to? I am not entirely eager to be yelled at more."

I hesitate before asking, "How much of the conversation did I miss?"

She tries to say something but once again can't seem to get it out. She sighs and says, "Enough," through clenched teeth. She turns towards me and I see her eyes filling with red. She takes an unneeded breath before saying, "I was taken, Sookie. Taken and tortured." I stay quiet knowing it works with getting me to talk. It seems to work with Pam too as she continues, "I needed my maker. I needed his comfort after," she manages to get out before looking away from me.

"He went to you in the battle when he saw you were in danger, Pam," I tell her truthfully. "He was worried for you even without his memories."

"And he came to my rescue," she says, her voice dripping with sarcasm as she stands up. I stand up with her but before I can say anything else, my house phone rings. I run to it worrying that something is wrong with Jason and am slightly out of breath as a say into the phone, "Hello."

But it's not Jason. Or Alcide. The voice that just the night before caused me to melt in his arms now sends different emotions cutting through my body as he simply says, "Sookie."

**Hello again. I would like to thank all the readers for giving Sookie and Eric's second leg of their journey a little spin. I do hope you enjoy this part as much as you seemed to enjoy the first. Let me know what you think. We get our first little insight into Eric's mind next chapter.**

**I would like to thank my guest reviewers who I could not respond to for the last chapter of Amnesia. I really appreciate you taking the time to leave your reactions and thoughts on the story.**

**To the one guest reviewer who left a well thought out review. I wish you had sent a PM or signed in because I would have loved to be able to respond to you directly. First off please know I only deleted the review because it sounded like you wanted me to. I would have been fine leaving it up. Second, thank you for your compliments and kind words about my writing and the little differences I put in the storylines. I am glad you enjoyed. I do have to admit that I am holding out hope that once this story gets going the ending makes a little more sense and it doesn't seem like I pulled a CH (sorry but I couldn't resist the terminology ;)) in destroying some characters. Not saying your thoughts behind the motivation of Eric's words is right or wrong but we don't know yet, and won't know for sure for a few chapters, what was going through his head when he said what he said. Unfortunately, he's going to be digging himself a little deeper before it gets better. There is a reason I wrote Eric the way I did in the beginning of this story. I'm hoping it comes together. **


	2. White Horse

_I should have known, I should have known_

_That I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale,_

_I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet,_

_Lead her up the stairwell_

_This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town,_

_I was a dreamer before you went and let me down,_

_Now it's too late for you and your white horse to come around – Taylor Swift_

**Eric POV**

I should not have come into Fangtasia this evening. That much is obvious to me.

Then again, it is not the only thing I probably should not have done tonight.

I look back at the paperwork I have been trying to go over for the past hour. It consists of three pages and I have not been able to make it past the first paragraph. I swipe the papers off the desk as I feel the bonds I have been closely monitoring all evening spike with hurt.

Again.

The only thing that saved the computer the papers had printed out of, was Pam. My child was already upset with me and I did not need her angry because I have broke my computer and she would need to buy a replacement.

Again.

Pam will already be upset of having to get the couch that I have torn fixed. Yes fixed and not replaced. There is no way I am getting rid of this couch. It holds some good memories and it seems like memories are all I have left.

Again.

I pick up the phone and call out to the bar again asking for Clancy to come in and give me a quick run down of the last few evenings. Might as well try this again. I would have rather it be Pam of course but I knew not to push her to come tonight. I fear we would have both said things we would regret if I had.

Or I should say I would have even more regrets than I already do tonight.

So with no Pam, I am left with Clancy. I would have rather speak with Thalia. Hell, even Chow would have been a better choice at the moment. But Thalia has told me Chow met the true death, which counts him out. Pity. We appear to be going through bartenders very quickly as of late. Soon it will be hard to find someone willing to do it. Thalia is acting even more sourly towards me tonight than usual. That got her put on door duty, which I know will not help her attitude. I know she will not harm them but I do almost pity the humans in line tonight.

Almost.

Clancy comes into the room and drones on and on about Area business from the past few nights, okay maybe the past few weeks. To be honest I stopped paying attention to him after the first sentence or two. He does not really know anything of that much importance. I need to find out what happened with the Weres and any information about what has been going on with the Queen. Neither of which he is able to tell me.

I groan and send him out of the room. He is not telling me anything of meaning nor is he helping to distract me. Distract me from my own thoughts or from the feelings that have been vibrating through the bonds I have been trying to ignore all night. If ignore means watching carefully, of course.

And simply thinking her name causes my mind to flash back to when I woke from my rest this evening. Before I know it, I am trapped in a memory.

The first thing that I noticed was that I was surrounded by Sookie's scent. That alone was a wondrous feeling that brought a smile to my face. When I felt Sookie curled up against my chest, I can't think of another time in my existence that I was happier. I thought that for the first time in a thousand years, I was wrapped in a dream. Vampires don't dream. Probably something to do with brain waves, or lack there of I suppose. Thinking it was a dream I pulled Sookie closer to me, never once opening my eyes.

It is when I realized I no longer felt the danger the sun presents that my smile started to falter. If the sun isn't up then I am truly awake. This is not a dream. My mind is racing through what it could mean that Sookie is down here, in my locked basement. My eyes shoot open and I take in her naked form, pressed tight against me.

How could this have happened? How could I have let this happen?

It's another large spike of pain coming from Pam and anger coming from Sookie that takes me out of my own mind and has me picking up the phone to speak with my child. I am worried about what I am feeling. Hurt I can understand. It may kill me to have to feel the two of them hurting so, but that does not mean they are in danger. It is the feeling of hurt couples with anger coming from Sookie. Sookie has not felt anger all evening, which has actually surprised me. She has felt other emotions all evening but not anger, which would be understandable after my actions. Pam said it was safe for Sookie to return home but what is she was wrong? My worry only increases when Pam does not answer.

I am out of my chair and leaving my office as I call again. Pam would not ignore my call twice if she could help it. I would be calling either because I needed help or because I was worried for her. I am out the back door of Fangtasia as I hear the phone ring twice before being sent directly to voicemail. Not good.

I immediately call her back but it does not even ring, instead going directly to the automated system telling me to leave a message. I growl thinking about all the reasons her phone would not be working now. I start to panic as I think about what those things would mean for my child. And for Sookie.

I stop myself from taking to the air as I double back and head to the front of the club. Preparing to tell Thalia to get a few vampires together and meet me at Sookie's house, I take a risk and call Sookie's phone as I walk over there. I close my eyes thanking whatever deity would listen to a vampire when Sookie picks up her phone. I simply say her name as a rush of calm runs over me. She would not be answering the phone if she were in trouble.

But when I hear her quick breathing and I realize she is out of breath I rethink my theory. I repeat her name but say nothing else. I have long since decided to never ask if she was ok. The wording of that statement makes it seem like the person should be ok. I can tell by her feelings that she is currently not ok. That knowledge and that of what I did sends a shudder through me cutting deeper than a knife.

I should have had more control.

I shake my head, bringing my focus back to the phone call. Before I can make sure she is not in any immediate danger she says, "What do you want?" I can hear her teeth grinding as she talks but I could have told you that she was holding her teeth tightly together simply by hearing her voice.

I start walking back into my office through the back entrance of the bar. This is not a conversation I wish to be overheard. Of course with the Queen still having my office bugged, I cannot really head there and hope not to be overheard. I also cannot have the Queen worried that there might be a problem if Sookie's telepathy is needed. That is the last thing that I need at the moment.

I turn again, this time heading to my car, as it is the only thing I am sure has not been bugged. It is a simple sedan, instead of the convertible people have been accustomed to me driving. It may be a while before I can take that car out again.

I make it to the car, but I have not said another word. Sookie, her voice a little softer yet still anger filled, says "Eric." Even though her voice is still so harsh, it is the softness to it that I loose myself in. I am not lost for long however, as she then says, "What the hell do you want," her voice having lost any of the softness it held.

"I do not like you being in pain," I tell her the words spilling from my mouth before I can even think about it. And I hear the rest of the thought reverberate in my mind, 'Especially when it is I who have caused the pain.' I rest my head on the top of my car for a split second before remembering where I am. I quickly lift it off and get into the car.

"What," she asks sounding confused.

"I am sorry," I say to her as I start the car. I hear her choke back a sob on her end of the line. And I am though I know words in this circumstance is weak. I hate what I have done to her, especially with everything else that has happened in such a short period of time.

"You don't have to come riding in on your high horse to apologize, Eric," she says, her voice sounding surprisingly calm to me. "It's a little late for apologies. You meant what you said at your house. You don't say things you don't mean," she says quietly, her voice for the first time unsteady.

"Sookie, I," but she cuts me off saying, "No, Eric. Just no."

I open my mouth but again she starts talking first saying, "You know. I owe you a great deal of thanks. I don't want to even think about what would have happened if you didn't show up when I was locked in the car." She pauses and I hear her swallow. "You got me to face things I thought I had long dealt with. You got me the help I so desperately needed and didn't even know it. You were there for me when I needed someone the most. You fixed up my house, Eric. My Gran's house. There is so much I am thankful for.

"You taught me I could live again. You showed me there was something worth living for," she says, her voice wavering. "But I am coming to learn that not every story has a happy ending. In fact, it seems like most don't."

I want to say so much to her. I could have been her happy ending. I wanted to be her happy ending. Fuck, I still do. I slam my hand into the steering wheel.

She clears her throat and says again, "Why did you call, Eric. I doubt it was to apologize."

"Pam did not pick up her phone."

"Yeah, her phone had an unfortunate accident."

"I was worried," I offer in explanation.

"I'm not entirely sure that's something you get to be in reference to us anymore," she bites out.

I swallow the anger I feel due to her words. My voice is nearly steady as I tell her, "Pam is my child. There will not be a day that goes by where I do not worry for her." And I have to bite back what I want to add to that statement, that as my human, I have every right to worry about her as well.

A statement I currently am not able to make. A statement that I may never be able to make.

"Put Pam on the phone," I say softly.

"Why so you can yell at her some more?"

I take a breath I don't need to take as I pull into my driveway. I park in the garage but stay in the car. "Sookie," I start but she cuts me off.

"No, Eric," she says. "No. Pam was taken Eric. She was held captive, tortured, and left to hang with silver rods through her torso. You're lucky she doesn't have sliver poisoning. And instead of being there for her as her maker, you yell at her because you suddenly regret that you didn't want to keep it in your pants."

I lay my head on the steering wheel as so many things rush through my head. The most prevalent is Pam with the rods sticking out. I close my eyes and imagine the hiss of my child's skin as the sliver burns it. I can smell her blood as her wounds bleed. I am filled with the need to speak to her, the need to make sure she is well for myself. "Please put Pam on the phone, Sookie," I say.

I do not know what is different about me asking this time. I do not know if it is something she is doing for Pam. I do not know if it is the desperation I am sure she hears in my voice. I do not know if it is simply that she no longer wishes to talk to me. But whatever the reason I can hear the sound of the air moving as she goes to hand Pam the phone.

Of course, she could also be flinging the phone through the air.

However, I feel the first tear I did not even know I was holding back as I hear Pam say, "Eric."

**Sookie POV**

I am not exactly sure why I hand the phone over to Pam. It might be that I just don't want to hear Eric's voice anymore. Okay, it may be less of 'don't want to hear' and more 'can't' right now. Or it might that I heard the desperation in Eric's voice. It's clearly there even if I don't understand why at the moment. Or it might have been the look of hope that flashed on Pam's face, as she seemed to overhear that Eric wanted to speak with her. It was gone almost as quick as it came, but I didn't miss it.

Yeah, I am going to go with the hopeful look one her face. One of us should have that.

Is it wrong that I wished it were me?

I hear Pam address Eric. She sounds cold and unattached but I have come to find out that is what she sounds like when she's afraid to let her emotions show. She's quiet for a bit as she must be listening to what Eric is saying on the other line. She turns away and takes two steps. Vampire pacing at its finest.

When she responds to whatever Eric has said, it's in his native tongue. She looks at me and switches back to English while telling Eric she's not going to be rude. That manages to put a smile on my face because it was never something she was worried about before and it probably won't be the last time they use their language too.

But it hits me then that it may be the last time in front of me.

That thought sends me wanting running for the hills. But there are no hills in my house so I do the next best thing. I force a smile and I put my hand on Pam's shoulder, telling her it's okay. What exactly I am telling her is okay, I'm not entirely sure. I then make my way upstairs to my room where I get ready to take a shower and go to sleep.

When I am back sitting on my bed, the only proof that I have that I even moved is my wet hair. It was nothing except going through the motions. 'I just hope I brushed my teeth,' I think to myself, as I get myself under the covers.

I can just make out Pam's voice downstairs. It's not enough to make out what she's saying but it sounds like the gentle humming I have gotten used to when trying to calm myself down. Except this time, it's doing the opposite.

Something didn't feel right before Eric's call and it still doesn't feel right now. I burrow myself under my covers, trying not to think. Of course when you try not too, that's when you can't stop thinking.

I just don't get it. Eric had sounded so…small on the phone. Small and fragile. Like he, himself was hurting. Which left me with the big question of why? He's the one that said those words.

Part of me had wanted to reach out and hug Eric when I heard him on the phone. To draw him in and hug him tight and tell him it will all be okay. The problem with that is that the other part of me, the bigger part at this point, wanted to draw him in and throttle him. And I don't even know what 'it' is and if 'it'll' all be okay.

It's not like Eric is eager to play share time. Hell, he's not even willing to let Pam play at this point.

Speaking of the female vampire, I hear her as she starts up the stairs. I curl into myself as I hear her enter the room. It sounds like she takes a few steps into the room and stops. I turn over to face her, worried that she'll think I'm angry or upset.

Both emotions I am feeling right now, but none of them are aimed at her. I try to smile as I ask, "Good conversation," not knowing what else to say. She takes a few more steps the room and nods. I can tell by her face she feels conflicted. I sit up in the bed and say, "He's your maker, Pam. You're kind of stuck with him. It's good if you can make things right again."

"I'm not exactly sure things are right, Sookie. My maker is being fucking moronic at the moment."

I stare at her for a second surprised at her words towards Eric. Then before I can help myself I start to laugh. When I do she comes over and sits on the edge of the bed. When I can stop "Promise me something, Sookie."

"Depends on what that something is, Pam," I tell her with a wry smile. After living with the two of them for a few weeks I have learned never to make an open ended promise to a vampire. Okay, maybe just to never make an open ended promise in general.

"Promise me that when Eric is ready to talk you will listen." I am about to tell her that I owe him nothing but she quickly adds, "For you, Sookie. You need to hear him out for you."

I look away and say, "It's not going to make a difference, Pam. He obviously has regrets."

"Oh he has regrets, Sookie. And believe me when the dust settles he will have plenty more." She pauses for a few seconds before saying, "But as I said, you need to hear him out for you. You need not to be wondering why. I'm not suggesting it will fix everything. I'm not saying it will fix anything. But you at least will have an understanding and I think you are the person who needs that."

This is sounding eerily familiar. It sounds like the conversation I had with Eric about confronting Bill. As painful as it was, it was good that I confronted Bill. It was good that I heard the truth straight from his mouth. In truth I probably needed it to start moving past it. As hard as it would be to hear why Eric suddenly changed his mind, knowing why would probably help. I nod showing her that I would.

I lie back down on the bed and pull up the blankets. "You know where you're resting during the day," I ask her, needing the subject to be changed.

She says yes with a pinched look on her face. She then gets an eager look on her face and she says, "Unless you want to have a true slumber party. We can have a pillow fight and cuddle," she says with a smirk on her face.

"If you hit me with a pillow Pam, I have a feeling it will feel more like a steel pipe."

"We can get right to the cuddling."

"Yeah, I'm not interested in having my bedmate spontaneously burst in to flame."

"Where's your sense of excitement, Sookie?"

"Goodnight Pam," I tell her shaking my head at the vampire. She pats my head and says goodnight and walks out into the hallway leaving me alone with my thoughts.

**Hello lovely readers. I cannot say how excited I am that you are giving the next leg of their journey a try. I really appreciate all the added alerts and reviews. Thanks to those who signed in as guest and I cannot respond to. So we get our first Eric perspective in this chapter. We also get some clues to what may be going on to have him react the way he did at the end of Amnesia. Again, it will be a few chapters before everything comes together. **

**I am off camping for the weekend with extended family. Fingers crossed no emergency room visits are needed.**


	3. I'm Sorry

_Cause everything inside it never comes out right_

_And when I see you cry it makes me want to die_

_I'm sorry I'm bad, I'm sorry you're blue, I'm sorry about all things I said to you_

_And I know I can't take it back - Buckcherry_

**Sookie POV**

When I woke up today, I was ready to give myself the morning. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and I am way behind on Christmas shopping. Like haven't even started behind. So that was the plan for the afternoon. But I gave myself the morning. To do what exactly, I'm not entirely sure.

Daydream perhaps. I could dream that Eric never lost his memories and we were able to develop whatever it was we had started to develop. Maybe, I could have daydreamed about what would have happened if his memories had never returned. Perhaps, it would have been that when I awoke the night his memories returned I was woken by different screams entirely – my own as Eric's hands and mouth did some delicious things to my body. That would have been a good daydream.

In reality, I had probably given myself the morning to cry. To cry about what could have been or for the confusion that was currently littering my mind with everything. Either probably would have worked at this point.

But it didn't appear the universe wants me to have a morning. Or perhaps the universe wants just wants to help me along. I haven't decided yet.

I currently am sitting on my couch in the living room staring at Dr. Ludwig. Staring might a bit generous for the glare I am almost positive I am giving the good but blunt doctor. I think it would be a fair statement to say that my mouth is probably open as well. Gran would not be pleased.

There are also profanities racing through my head at the moment. I am working very hard to keep them in my head at the moment. One reason being because me cursing at the doctor would just make Gran madder at me than she already would be. The second reason being is I already said, "You've got to be fucking kidding me," when I opened my front door to find the short doctor there when she rang the doorbell.

I could have killed Pam for calling her. But I would have regretted it and probably just spent another morning crying if I had. Hence, my blond, female, vampire friend still breathes. Well, no, she doesn't breathe but she's alive. Oh hell, I didn't finally kill Pam.

The doctor on the other hand, I am not sure I would be mourning her death.

"Say that again," I say while still glaring at Dr. Ludwig. She was sitting on the couch across from mine and her feet barely touched the ground. In fact, they are barely even hanging off the couch seat.

"This separation from Eric might actually be a good thing." No I didn't imagine her saying it and yes it still pisses me off hearing it a second time.

"Care to explain that to me doctor?"

She sighs knowing that I am angry with her. I only call her doctor when I am. The rest of the time I really don't address her by name. She can be a tad intimidating. "You have come a long way in the healing process, Sookie. You have done really well."

"Using my name and starting with a compliment? I am really not going to like where you're going with this am I?"

She gives me a glare of her own and I push back into the couch cushions and stay quiet to allow her to continue. I am sure she will have a point and will probably even be right. Doesn't mean I will like how she gets there.

"You went through something traumatic, very traumatic. This event brought back flashbacks and memories of a past traumatic event that was never dealt with in a healthy manner. While recovering you were, in essence confined to the same house, with the same people. We need to make sure the healthy coping mechanisms stick when you are away from that comfort zone," she says. No, really not liking how she is getting there. She stops me from saying anything with a simple look. I give her one back but I am not sure it has the same affect, as she continues talking.

I stay quiet as I process what she told me. I guess a part of me thought that one day it would just be over. That I wouldn't need the coping mechanisms we have been working on. That I would wake up and there would be no consequences for what I went through. I am beginning to realize that that isn't the case though. My past and what happened is a part of me. Dr. Ludwig hasn't been helping me just forget it, she has been trying to help learn how to cope with it. Not only the abuse though. I think it has finally clicked that she as much as she has helped me overcome what Bartlett and Bill had done, she's also been helping me to learn to positively cope with life.

And life had thrown me a major curveball.

"What about when the comfort zone is causing you pain," I ask her barely able to hear my own voice.

"That's when the coping mechanisms we have been working on really get tested," she responds.

She and I talk for a little longer and as Ludwig finishes up with me, she asks where Pam is. "I am supposed to check on her too."

"That makes sense she would ask you to look at her too. She was hurt badly when she was taken."

Dr. Ludwig gives me a weird look. "Pam wasn't the one who asked me to look at her. Or to come over and check up on you."

That confuses me. Who else could have? I voice my question out loud. "Northman," she says simply. The tell-tale pressure starts to build behind my eyes and it's Dr. Ludwig watching me carefully that makes me want to be sure I keep the tears at bay.

"You saw him," I ask. She nods and explains she was called to take a look at him after the spell was broken and he got to Fangtasia. I ask if he's okay after the spell was broken.

She cocks her head to the side and tells me, "He doesn't seem to have any physical repercussions from the curse."

She worded that very carefully. "That doesn't mean he's okay. He's acting inconsistent. Do you know why?"

She looks away from me and tells me she can't discuss it. "He's told you not to tell me too."

"It's actually a lot simpler than that," she tells me. "Doctor-patient confidentiality."

Oh guess that makes sense. "But he's really okay," I ask, noticing how small my voice is.

I don't miss her hesitation before nodding and saying, "Nothing from the spell is a threat to his life. Now where can I find Pam?"

I explain about the dug out area in the floor of my closet in the guest room. "But the room isn't light tight," I tell her as she starts to move up the stairs. "You can't open it."

Dr. Ludwig turns back to me and explains, "I will check where her wounds were tonight after she rises. There are certain things I will be able to check her for just with proximity. I will not open the door or do anything to endanger her."

As Dr. Ludwig makes her way to the guest room, I can't help but be even more confused that it was Eric who asked her to stop by. He didn't seem too concerned with Pam's injuries as he was yelling at her. In fact, he didn't seem too worried with them until I had yelled at him on the phone for ignoring her pain after she was tortured. Then he sends over a doctor to check on her, which is something he should have done first thing.

But it isn't just to check on Pam. He had sent Ludwig over to check on me to. That had been something I would have expected him to do. Hell, I would have expected him to be here at first dark to check on us himself.

But that was before I woke to him yelling at Pam for reasons still unknown, to me at least.

Before I can give it anymore thought, Ludwig is back from however she examined Pam through the floor. "Is she okay," I ask the doctor. Ludwig looks up at me and tells me that Pam should be fine. She then asks me to tell her she will be checking her tonight too, just to be sure things looked the same while she wasn't dead for the day before heading out the front door.

Looking at the clock, I see the morning that I had given myself is gone. Now I have to overcome my other mission for the day – shopping.

I walk down the aisles of the store first looking for what I want to get for Jason. Before all the craziness started, he had been complaining that he had burned a few of his grilling tools. I had a feeling there was some alcohol involved somehow. I finally find the right part of the store and look through some of the sets and end up picking one that comes in a nice, black case.

I start to walk to the games section to pick up a game or two for Arlene's children, something I can do with them when I babysit. I walk past the electronic section and the DVD display catches my eye. It's the television show that Pam had wanted me to explain to her. She found it funny that the vampire's faces got wrinkled when their fangs come out. I doubt Pam actually celebrates Christmas but the were on sale so I pick her up the first two seasons.

Continuing down to the game section, I see a book of animals and grab it for Sam. It was children's type book animals for each letter and information on the animal. It made me smile when I saw it. We had started to give kind of gag gifts two years ago. Last year he got me a crystal ball. Picking up the book has me thinking that I will have to call Sam about picking up hours again at work. My bank account missed the pay and tips it was used to getting. And I doubt that Eric would accept anything but that doesn't mean I won't offer to pay him back for the repairs to my house.

I'm on my way up to the front when another display catches my eye. It's a wood model of a Viking ship, one that you have to put together. I step closer and see all the little details carved to the wood and sewn into the sail. I have no idea if the ships Eric really used looked anything like this replica, but I know he would love it.

That thought alone is enough to make my eyes start to sting with tears. As much as he hurt me, I still would love to see his face as he opened it. I can just imagine the young, almost boyish expression he would have on his face. One that he doesn't show often but he was starting to show to me. It is an expression where his Sherriff duties and pressures disappear from his face. A look where he is relaxed. I would do anything to see that look on his face again.

To be the one who brings that look to his face again.

I shake my head to try to keep the tears from falling as I walk past the model ship. I have to get a few household staples like toilet paper and shampoo before I can leave the store. I collect the items I need and the walk to the cash register brings me past that dreaded ship again. I start to move past it but its beauty stops me again. Before I can even think about it, I pick one up and put it in the wagon.

Doesn't mean I have to actually give it to him.

Is it wrong to want to though?

Eric and his actions are forcing me to run through so many emotions ranging from confusion, to hurt, to anger. Confusion, because his words and anger do not match his actions. That was my first clue that there is something more going on than I realize. His words drove me to hurt, as I have so many thoughts of what could have brought them on running through my head. And none of them are good. And anger, so much anger. Anger at his words as well. Anger that he went off instead of talking about whatever was bothering him. Anger that he won't even let Pam tell me what's going on.

I may never actually give him the stupid ship. It may sit in a closet collecting dust until my future nephews find it and destroy it trying to put it together.

But I do hope to be able to give it to the original intended person. God help me I do.

I make it home just after dark. Pam is already up when I make it home. I had left the gifts in the car thinking that might be the case. The first thing she says to me when I walk through the door is, "The doctor was here."

"Hello to you too," Pam I say walking past her into the kitchen.

"I can smell she was here. Are you hurt?"

I shake my head and say, "No. She came to talk to me. She came to examine you," I explain with a bit of a grin. I'm not exactly sure why but the good doctor and my vampires don't seem to be too fond of each other.

Although, I probably shouldn't use the term 'my' when referring to them.

I explain to Pam what Dr. Ludwig and I spoke about. She was oddly quiet which is weird because she usually chimes right in, giving her opinion on what I talk about with Dr. Ludwig. I then explain that the Ludwig examined Pam through the floor. At her questioning look, I hold up my hands and say, "Don't ask me. I have no idea what she did. She went up and came down after a few minutes saying you seemed alright but she would be visiting you tonight too."

"How did she know to come?"

I hesitate before telling her, "Eric sent her." The look on Pam's face probably matched my own when I found out. "Pretty much," I say with a little laugh.

"I should probably get going. Are you going to be okay tonight?"

I shrug my shoulders and tell her, "There's only one way to find out, I guess," while crossing my arms across the front of my body. Pam gives me a once over before coming in for a hug and turning for the door. I follow her and as she gets to the bottom of the steps I ask, "I'll still get to see you, right Pam?" I try to ignore how little my voice sounds.

She stops and turns towards me. "Of course, Sookie. That's not even a question."

I smile and give her a nod and say, "Thanks, really for everything. Thank you."

"Anytime," she responds before turning and getting in her car. I turn myself and start to head back into my empty house, feeling truly alone for the first time in weeks.

**Eric POV**

I wake up from my rest already filled with trepidation. The scent if Sookie still fills my nose, as I did not have time last night to change the sheets. There's no warmth in the blankets so I know right away this isn't a dream. As I get off the bed, I pull the sheets off as well. They will be changed tonight. I cannot handle her scent knowing she's not here.

I check some reports, anxious to hear what the tiny doctor has to say about my child, before heading into the shower. A few minutes in and I feel Pam start to make her way back to Shreveport. I simultaneously smile and internally groan. My child had woken up at her usual time and judging from the bond was traveling her usual speed. That is what made me smile. My child seems to be okay physically at least, after what she told me happened.

The groan is because I fucked up with my child. Massively fucked up. At a time when she most needed me, I had yelled at her and blamed her for something she simply couldn't have controlled. This is something that couldn't be fixed by simply handing her my credit card.

Though she might try to convince me otherwise. And I would allow it. But it would not fix what I did.

I step out of the shower and get dressed, thinking about the phone call I had received last night. More bad news. I only hope the repercussions of this call are not as terrible as the last few weeks.

I come out of what Sookie refers to as downtime, as I hear my child start to enter my house. I had left her a message to meet me here rather than at Fangtasia. I am out in the entranceway before she has the door closed. I rip off her shirt so I can see the area Sookie told me the rods were shoved into her. I drop to my knees, turning her around, smelling up her back. I feel the relief of tension I didn't know I had, as I smell no silver coming from her skin. I turn her around give her stomach the same treatment. Her hands come up to gently hold my head to her. I smile when I still smell no silver radiating from my child's skin.

I rise to my feet and the smile disappears as I see tears in Pam's eyes. I press a kiss to her forehead as I try to hide the tears appearing in my eyes as I see those in my child's. I pull back and bring a hand to her face as I say, "No silver poisoning." She shakes her head and says she feels fine. "Dr. Ludwig will be the judge of that," I tell her.

"Sookie said she came by her house and checked on me. Said I was fine."

I nodded. I had read the report but I wanted Pam examined when she was up. "I want her to check you out while you are awake and conscious." She nods and makes to move around me, probably to get a new shirt before the doctor makes her appearance. "Pam," I call putting my hand on her arm to stop her. I am probably the only one who can get away with doing this. Well, a certain human is probably now on that short-list as well.

"I am sorry," I tell her. "As your maker, I should have ensured you were never taken, even under the circumstances. Getting you back should have been my first priority. I should have avenged you. I should have comforted you." I pause before saying, "I have let you down and that's something I swore would never happen. I will spend the rest of my lifetime making it up to you."

I had promised myself when I became a maker that I would be nothing like the one I had. That instead of being cold and callous, I would be caring and gentle to my children. That they would never know cruelty at my hands and I would damn sure try to make it so that they did not feel it at anyone else's either.

With Pam I had failed on both accounts in such a short period of time.

She pulls me into a hug I do not deserve and says, "You've already started to make it up. You're back now." As I bring my arms up around her she adds, "Your credit card would be another step."

I laugh as she pulls back and inform her that it's already upstairs, next to her computer here. As she picks up her shirt and starts up the stairs I call to her one more time and repeat that I am sorry. She turns to me and says, "I am not saying it's okay. It's not. I'm not even saying it's comprehendible. But taking everything into consideration I can understand to an extent." She turns and takes a few steps up the stairs before turning back and saying, "It doesn't make it right though, Eric. Right for me or right for Sookie. You should talk to her you know."

"I am," I tell Pam. "I am heading there now in fact."

"You might be heading over there but you're not going to tell her, are you?" My silence is her answer. "You know if you would just tell her," Pam starts but stops once my compulsion kicks in, which means she was going to say something about that night. I had commanded her not to mention anything about that evening. Yes it was the coward's way out but I wanted no additional reminders of the pain I had caused Sookie. Not when it is already running on repeat through my mind. "You know, you could lift that command. It would make my life easier."

"I know." And I do. But I won't, not yet. Pam sighs and asks if I will be going to Fangtasia tonight. "Yes, after I talk with Sookie," I explain to her.

"You know, she may not be so welcoming to you."

"Yes, but this is something she needs to know and it will be better delivered in person." Pam gives me a look like she does not believe me before heading up the stairs not turning back this time.

I pick up what I had Bobby get for Sookie during the day. I know she probably won't want to see me but there is no one else I trust to give her the message besides Pam who is needed for thing at Fangtasia tonight and has an appointment with Ludwig. I don't even want to think about what would happen if Sookie finds out before someone tells her. With a sigh of my own, I head out the door to tell Sookie what the Queen told me the night before.

**Hello again readers. I survived camping with no emergency room trips, at least for me. Wouldn't be a family trip without one though.**

**Thanks as always for taking this story for a spin and trying it out. I appreciate all the comments and feedback and I have liked some of the theories that have come up about what is going on. We are still a few chapters away from the reveal but there will be more hints and clues until then.**


	4. Everything You Want

_I am everything you want_

_I am everything you need_

_I am everything inside of you_

_That you wish you could be_

_I say all the right things_

_At exactly the right time_

_But I mean nothing to you and I don't know why – Vertical Horizon_

**Sookie POV**

"Jason Stackhouse, you will be coming to church with me tomorrow night if you want me to cook you dinner on Christmas."

I hear grumbling on the phone before he says, "Aw Sook, now you sound just like Gran."

"Thank-you," I tell him taking it as a compliment. I hear him sigh and I know that means I win. "Pie, Sook. There better be pie."

"I'll make you two Jase," I tell him with a smile on my face.

"Apple. Apple and Custard," he says before pausing. I hear him take a deep breath, the kind that he takes when he's holding back tears, trying not to cry. "It's the first Christmas," Jason says softly, not really having to elaborate. This will be the first Christmas since Gran was killed, the first Christmas that we are all the other has left.

"I know," I say just as soft. The two of us are quiet for a minute with nothing but breathing between us.

"Hey, Sook?"

"Yeah?"

"You think after church I can come by? Maybe even spend the night?"

I am not exactly sure why Jason would be choosing to spend the night here with me instead of one of the many women he probably could have conned into spending it with him. I'm not going to complain about it though. It would be great to have him stay here. Except for, "You planning on waking me up at four in the morning for presents," I ask remembering how early he would get up.

"I'll let you sleep till at least five." I laugh and tell him he had better. "You think we could invite Alcide to Christmas dinner?"

"He's not going back to Jackson," I ask surprised. He was kind enough to stay with Jason last night after everything happened but I thought he'd be heading back, especially when given what happened with Debbie. Jason explains that Alcide is going to stay around and help Tray with something.

I can only imagine what that something is. When Tray killed his pack master, he became the leader of the pack. Charles had let someone else control his pack and it had all but destroyed it. Tray has his work cut out for him. It seems like when Pam glamoured Jason, she glamoured the knowledge of werewolves out too as he doesn't seem to know why Alcide might be helping Tray. I don't really mind. They haven't come out of hiding anyway.

I hear a knocking at the door. "Hold on a second, Jase. Someone's at the door." He tells me to be careful and his words do make me stop. I drop my shields and feel the familiar void that means a vampire it outside my door. Pam just left so I doubt it is her. I can't think of any other friendly vampires that would drop by for a nice visit. That knowledge causes me to slowly peek out the window fully knowing the vampire on my porch probably knows what I am doing. He can probably hear my gasp too as I take in who it is that is currently standing at my porch.

It's Eric.

"Fuck," I mumble under my breath, forgetting I have the phone cradled between my chin and shoulder.

"Sookie," Jason says and I hear the panic in his voice hearing my reaction. "Get your gun. I'm heading over. I'll call the police."

"Jason, Jason," I shout into the phone trying to get his attention. "I'm fine."

"You didn't sound fine. I'm in my car."

"It's just Eric," I tell him and I start to follow it up by saying he wouldn't hurt me. Can't really say that anymore so I instead tell my brother, "I'll be fine."

Maybe.

Probably.

Who really knows?

Jason makes me promise I know for a fact it is Eric and confirm that yes, Eric is the one that helped me rescue Jason.

I hang up the phone and stand in the hallway as a duel of sorts occurs in my body. Though the biggest part of me wants to open the door just so I can slam it in Eric's face. A small part of me wants to open the door so Eric can grovel on his knees for his words.

Can't see that happening though.

I step up to the door and take a deep breath before opening it. I lean against the partly open door without saying a word. We stand there for a few minutes, simply staring at each other. It seems more difficult for me as Eric has the vampire power to not fidget. It becomes especially difficult when I notice the look in Eric's eyes.

Eric has perfected the blank face look. His face can express absolutely no emotion, which is probably a huge factor in how he has managed to stay alive all this long. But lately with me, his eyes have been the opposite of blank. They had been brighter and full of emotion. I had thought there was one specific emotion that was starting to build in his eyes. I had thought it was the same one that had started to fill not only my own eyes but also my whole body.

But now those eyes seem as void of emotion as the rest of his face. Seeing that causes me to close my eyes and take a few deep breaths. Knowing that it was Eric who taught me just how helpful breathing can be, makes me wonder if I can get through seeing him right now. I take two more breaths, swallow, and open my eyes to see that Eric hasn't moved and is still staring at me, still not saying a word. I finally give up and say, "What do you want, Eric?"

It seems to snap him out of a state I didn't even know he was in. The changes are slight but his face relaxes a bit and his eyes aren't completely empty. I feel conflicted at the minor emotions as they fill Eric's face. He takes a step back, which contradicts his words as he asks, "May I come in."

I can't hold back the snort that escapes as I tell him, "You've got a great deal of nerve to ask me that question."

He actually looks down and if I didn't know better, I would say that he is hanging his head in shame. "I would not be asking, I would not even be here if it wasn't important." I am not sure if he meant his words to offer comfort, but that was definitely not the emotion they fill me with. He lifts his head up and tells me, "Sophie-Anne called me last night."

I feel a shiver run through my body at his words. Not because this probably means the Queen wants me back in New Orleans to listen to people, but because it means Eric would most likely have to escort me there. That is something I am not sure I can deal with right now. "Tell her I will go, but can Pam come with me," I ask hopefully.

Eric looks confused and tells me, "She does not need use of your telepathy."

"Then what does she want with me," I ask getting a bit nervous. It doesn't help when Eric looks around before saying, "Can we talk about it inside, please?"

I don't know if it is because I am nervous. I don't know if it is the look on his face. I don't know if it is because of the fact that he said 'please,' a word he rarely says. Whatever the reason, I push open the door all the way, wordlessly inviting the vampire inside. I turn and walk into my living room without looking back taking a seat on the chair so I would not be forced to sit next to him on the couch.

Eric decides to stand which is my first hint that he's not exactly comfortable. A person who doesn't know better may think he is purposely standing for intimidation reasons. With his size, he towers over me when I'm standing. However, I know if Eric was relaxed, or even wanted to act as though he was at ease he would be sitting right now. Lounging on my couch even.

I'm not sure what to make of him.

I sit there just staring at him. I still have no idea why he appeared on my doorstep and it may seem petty, but I spoke first outside. It's his turn now. After a few more second of me staring, I get, "The Queen called me last night."

"You said that already."

"Sookie, could you just," he starts.

"Just what, Eric?"

"What I have to say is hard enough. Please, just let me say it." Again with the 'please.' And his words are making me hopeful that maybe, he's about to tell me what went wrong.

That hope is what makes his words even more blindsiding as he says, "Sophie-Anne has to let Bill go." And if that isn't bad enough, he continues to say, "And he will be needing to come back here."

I understand what Eric is saying, even if his words make me feel like I have gone deaf. At this moment, I am thankful I decided to sit down on the chair, as I'm sure I would be on the floor if I weren't.

"To his house. Just across the graveyard from me," I say more than ask. Eric nods and takes a few steps towards me before stopping himself. I'm not sure what caused him to stop. Hell, at this moment, as confused and as mad as I am, I'm not sure I want him to stop either.

I want a hug. I'm just not sure I want the vampire currently available for one to touch me.

Eric begins to explain why Bill is being let free and why he has to come back here. I surprise myself by hearing what he has to say when I feel as numb as I do. No, it's more than feeling simply numb. I feel like I'm no longer in my body.

Apparently, Threadgill knows that Sophie-Anne is still holding Bill as a prisoner. His only crime is his assault on me in the trunk. He doesn't have to explain again that in the world of vampires, in this world that I find myself suddenly submerged in, this is nothing. That Bill's attack on me isn't really punishable even if I wasn't considered his at the time.

What it boils down to is that Threadgill is starting to wonder why Bill was still being held prisoner. Asking questions are bad. "Not just for Sophie-Anne," Eric says when he finishes his explanation of why.

"For me too," I say to which Eric nods. "Threadgill will be curious to why Bill's crimes against you are being punished." And that could make me seem interesting to the vampire. I did not want to appear interesting to another vampire. The last two situations in which male vampires had found me interesting hadn't really ended well for me. I was betting that if the King developed an interest in me, it wouldn't end well either.

"So why does Bill have to come here. Can't he go off and find information for the database he's creating for the Queen?" At my question, Eric just stares at me. It takes me a few seconds but I finally get it. "Sophie-Anne doesn't want Threadgill to find out about the database either."

He nods and explains, "Threadgill would start to ask questions if a vampire with little standing in our hierarchy was suddenly doing a great deal of travel."

"So she has to let him go and he has to come here so it appears everything is back to normal for Threadgill." Eric nods. "There's no other way," I ask hopefully.

"If I could think of one that would work, I wouldn't be here right now."

Again, I am not sure if that comment is supposed to make me feel better. "Why did you come here tonight, Eric," I ask him, feeling tired about the whole situation. Or I guess the many intersecting situations I find myself in. My question seems to catch him off guard as he explains he wanted me to know that Bill was coming back. "I understand that," I tell him. "I am grateful for that. But why didn't you just call? Why didn't you send Pam?"

"I thought learning the news would have been better for you in person rather than over the phone. Pam is being checked by Ludwig." He pauses before saying, "I wanted to make sure you were ok when you heard."

I can feel the confusion enter my brain like a fog. His words the other night and his actions do not match. It's frustrating and confusing. But most of all it is painful. God is it painful. How the hell could he have been so caring, still be so caring and protective of me and still say those things. It's the feel of the conflict inside of me that finally causes me to lose it.

"I don't get it, Eric," I scream at him, losing my struggle to not start yelling. "I thought you cared. I really thought you did. And then you just want to throw it all away. You had me completely fooled. Did it really mean nothing to you?"

**Eric POV**

There it is. Sookie handed me the perfect opening to have a discussion. It was one I do not want to have with her, however. I do not want to bring her more pain by having this discussion, by dredging up what happened. Not now at least when it is so fresh.

When I do not answer she starts to speak again, her voice quiet. "It meant something to me, Eric. The help and support you gave me after what Bill did. The patience and care that you had to never make me feel uncomfortable. The car ride in your convertible when I realized that I was ready to look for happiness again, only to find it was right there in front of me." She pauses before she says, "It meant so much to me, Eric. How could it mean nothing to you?"

I would have preferred her continuing to yell at me. I do not like the dead tone in her voice right now. She sounds so small and so lost. She has not sounded like since a few days after I got her out of the trunk. She had gotten to be so strong and so sure.

"Sookie," I say taking a step closer to her and internally cringing as she takes a step back to match mine and keep the distance between us. I continue saying to her, "I have wanted you since you walked into my bar. But it became more than simply fucking you along the way. You saw something in me, something that I had thought was long gone. When you decided you were ready to try, to see what we could be, I was happy. Happier than I have been in a very long time, Sookie. If you believe nothing else, believe that it was everything to me, Sookie. Everything," I repeat to her.

"It's so sad."

"What is?"

"That for you, everything isn't enough." I stay quiet at her words, as they feel like poison circling my body. I have nothing to say to that and when she realizes it, she tells me, "Just go, Eric," she tells me.

Instead of turning and leaving, I go into my pocket and take out the cell phone that I had Bobby get for Sookie today. She looks confused as I extend my arm to hand it to her. "It is a cell phone," I tell her.

"I know that. What I don't know is why it seems like you're giving it to me."

"With Bill coming back, I want you to as safe as you can be. If he becomes an issue or you feel uncomfortable you can call. I programmed Pam's and Fangtasia's numbers in there already."

"Not yours?"

"You can have it if you want it," I tell her. I did not think she would. My instinct seems correct, as she does not ask for it. She does however take the phone from me and that makes me feel better about the situation with Bill. Barely, but at least now she can call from anywhere if she needs to. She tells me to again, but before I turn I tell her, "If you need anything, Sookie…"

But she stops me by saying, "I'll call Pam." I look at her before turning and taking my leave.

I fly back to Fangtasia in a rage. Pain was once a feeling that I had been used to. I was taught that feeling pain, that caring enough about something to feel pain, is weak. I had long since learned to turn the pain I was feeling into rage. Rage is good. Rage, I understand. Rage, I know how to deal with.

I make it to my office, going in through the back door so no one would see me. Closing the door behind me, I move to the chair behind my desk and take a seat. I pull out my phone and a feel a soft smile appear on my face as I have messages from both Pam and Ludwig to tell me that Pam is in fact, ok.

I close my eyes and lean back in my chair, happy that my child does not have silver poisoning, or any other physical issues from her torture. Closing my eyes was a mistake though because when I close them, I am left with a picture of Sookie. Normally, that would be a welcome sight since the blond telepath entered my bar all those months ago.

But now it's the lost look on her face that I am seeing in front of my eyes. Her face that was usually so full of life and showed her determination, is that of someone who has given up. It is something that would be enough to haunt me simply by seeing the look one her face alone.

But the knowledge that I had put the look there, that felt like I was the one with silver poisoning eating through my body from the inside out. I saw her when I first arrived, struggling and needing to keep her eyes closed and working to breathe.

She was scared. Of me.

Without another thought, I am out of my chair and my desk is flipped over onto it's top and the chair thrown across the room. Pam is quickly at my door as my file cabinet joins the chair in it's new spot – halfway through the wall.

"Good, I was looking to redecorate," she says, her voice deadpanned as she scans the room. "Though couldn't you have started with the bookcase? I had already picked a new one out for your next little temper tantrum."

"Leave, Pam.

"Can't. Flood is here. He wants a meeting."

"So meet with him."

"What do you think I have been doing here while you feng shui your office?"

"Not tonight, Pam."

"He was here waiting for you when I got here, Eric. He's concerned about what happened with Charles and how it will affect his pack. He wants to speak with you about it."

"You told me Tray is in charge of the pack now. Send Flood to him. It is between the wolves."

"He doesn't trust Tray isn't just covering. He wants reassurance from you."

I am in front of my child with her back solid against the wall. I have not touched her and I will not in anger, but I am not dealing with this tonight. I tell her so in terms she will not question. She then leaves quickly to tell Flood that I will see him tomorrow night.

She is back in my office in time to see me kick the computer that had been thrown on the floor when I overturned the desk. "Eric," she says quietly, knowing that is the only way to talk to me when I am like this. "I'm not going to stay here and watch you self destruct. I can't," she tells me and I feel her hand on my cheek lifting up my head to where I am looking into her eyes.

I look away from her, not being able to stomach the look in her eyes and say, "You have before. You have helped before."

"You let me before, Eric. You aren't letting me now. Fuck, you aren't even letting me talk about it."

"I do not want to be reminded about what I did," I yell at her. "It is painful enough to know. I do not need to rehash it." She tries to say something but no sounds come out which means she is trying to talk about that night.

She gives up trying to say whatever it was she was trying to and says, "You are destroying this and you don't even know why."

"That is where you are wrong, Pam. I have already destroyed it, and I know exactly why," I tell her. Pam shakes her head and walks out the door leaving me alone in my destroyed office.

Looking around, my knees buckle for the first time since I have been human, and I collapse to the floor. I am trapped in my head as the words of the two most important women in my life start circling through my head. I feel as if I am drowning in their well-placed doubt in me. In the doubt I have in myself.

I spend the night trying to swim out of the doubt. I manage to make it back to my house but I have no recollection how. I fall onto my mattress not even bothering to put new sheets on the bed after I ripped off the old ones that still smell of Sookie.

I feel the sun pull me to my rest under its strong waves. When it does though, I still had not broken the surface. In fact, I seem to be even deeper in then when I started.

**Hello readers and welcome to the new ones we have picked up along the way. I appreciate everyone for giving this story a try and really hope you are enjoying it. We still don't know for sure what is going on with Eric though some of you are starting to guess. This chapter starts to push Eric towards a low point (which may not be what it seems at first) that gets him to talk. Should be 2-3 more chapters depending on how much get added with editing.**


	5. Instant Pleasure

**Just a quick explanation to hopefully avoid confusion. This chapter jumps ahead about a week. We get 3 POV's in this chapter. Sookie and Eric both take us through their week and then their POV ends with what they are doing presently. Pam's POV is all what is occurring presently. **

_I don't want somebody to love me_

_Just give me sex whenever I want it_

_'Cause all I ask for is instant pleasure_

_Instant pleasure, instant pleasure – Rufus Wainwright_

**Sookie POV**

It had been an interesting week. I am not exactly sure interesting was a good word to cover it but it's what I am using at the moment.

Jason had ended up staying over Christmas Eve and he surprised me by letting me sleep in until six before running into my room and jumping on my bed. It was eerily similar to what he had done when we were kids. He has gotten a lot bigger though, an I am pretty sure I have the bruises to prove it.

Alcide had ended up spending the day with us and Tray had even stopped by. Alcide was staying in the area indefinitely so he could help Tray as he tries to restructure his pack and weed out anyone that may have known and supported what Charles was doing. Apparently, it was going to be a long and slow process.

When Alcide showed up, things were a bit awkward at first. Yes I had sort of been there for him when Debbie was disposed of but I also couldn't just ignore the harsh words he said to me while we were stuck in New Orleans.

No matter how true they had turned out to be.

About 10 minutes after he got there and we had been doing the awkward dancing around each other whenever we were in the same room, he finally pulled me outside on the porch. I expected him to say something but he instead just looked at me. This led me to throw up my arms and yell, "Just say it already Alcide. I know you want to. Just tell me, 'I told you so.'"

The look he gave me at my words was so filled with hurt. He shakes his head as he tells me, "I am just so sorry that I was. I wish I wasn't."

He opens his arms and I take the two steps into them. Alcide and I would probably never work out to be any more than friends. Timing didn't work out and now with all of the baggage Debbie brought along, I doubt we could ever actually work out as couple. But I needed a friend right then. As I hug him back I whisper, "I wish you weren't right either." He let me have my moment before Jason came out and told me the pies smelled like they were finished.

Because heaven forbid anything happened to Jason's pies.

Octavia and Amelia came by for Christmas Eve too. They were going to stay in Shreveport until well, who knows really. Octavia would have to go back to New Orleans if Sophie-Anne needed her but was planning on staying here until that happened, and Amelia still wanted to train with her. It sounds as if she is working on something for Eric too but I didn't want to ask about it.

Although, spending time with Jason would have been great, it was nice to have others over for the holiday. It was good to have a kitchen-full of people of people again for the holidays. It helped keep my mind off other things too.

Until nightfall of course.

Pam showed up shortly after nightfall, as I was out on the porch asking Octavia if she was sure she didn't want some leftovers to take. After I said goodbye to everyone, I invited Pam to come inside. I couldn't help the fear that I felt at her appearance. I was afraid that something had happened to Eric after how he had been acting these last few days. I had a weird feeling, kind of like an instinct that he was okay but I could not help be scared when Pam appeared.

She must have taken in the panic on my face because she quickly let me know everything was okay, that nothing new had happened. I asked specifically about Eric and she told me he still was physically okay, which made me feel better. For a second at least, until she told me that she was here because Eric had sent her.

After hearing that, my first thought was, 'What the hell is he doing to me know?'

Instead of delivering more scathing words, that looking back I don't think Pam would have told me, she extended her arm in order to give me a small box wrapped in paper covered in snowmen as she told me, "Merry Christmas."

I took the box from her and quickly got her present from the closet right behind the model ship. I paused for a moment, staring at the ship before shaking my head and closing the closet door. I gave Pam her present and she ripped it open, laughing when she saw what it is. "Thank-you, Sookie. My nights may now be filled with even more humor." She did find the vampires in the show funny.

She made a motion that I should open mine. Much more slowly than her, I took the wrapping off to find a rectangular shaped box. I opened it up and immediately gasped and tears filled my eyes. The box contained a simple gold chain but it's the other four items that caused my reaction.

Inside the box were four wedding bands, my parent's set and my grandparent's set. I hadn't even realized they were missing, thinking they were safe inside my jewelry box. Pam explained that the chain was from her. "The wedding bands were a bit damaged from when the Weres came through here. Eric took them in to a jeweler to have them reshaped and cleaned."

Of course he had. That would have been something I would have expected from him, before the last few days of course. I was tired of trying to understand it all and I think Pam understood that as she quickly wished me another Merry Christmas, gave me a hug, and vanished into the night.

That was the good part of my week. And I was glad I had gotten it because it got me through the rest of the week. I'm not even going to think about the dreams I have been having.

I had started back up working at Merlotte's. Sam thankfully, had kept my job for me for almost three weeks. I was on my first shift back, which of course was a night shift, and he walked in.

I immediately had felt my heart start to pound and my breath started to pick up as I saw Bill enter the bar and make his way over to a table. He said nothing to me the entire night and if he even acknowledged my existence I missed it, but just seeing him was enough to send me into a tailspin.

As soon as I saw him, I ran into the back and called Pam. I explained that Bill was here but he hadn't approached me yet. She told me she was on her way before hanging up the phone. I debated on staying in the back until she got there, but I decided not to. I would not do me any good to be trembling by myself back here. I took a deep breath and went back out.

Pam came about 10 minutes later and simply sat in my section until my shift was over. Bill had only stayed for about 40 minutes so Pam didn't have to stay but she said she wanted to see me home. As we drove home in my car she explained Bill was ordered to follow his usual routine to appear as if nothing was wrong. Which of course, meant coming into Merlotte's as he pretended to play nice with us locals.

I called Sam the next day and asked to only work days. He said it was fine.

And that was why, even on New Year's Eve, I was home in time to catch Bobby as he was trying to slip a letter under my door. Trying to avoid his mind, as it is not a good place to be, I ask what he is doing here. He hands me the notes and says, "Delivering this," before walking back to his car.

"Nice to see you too," I call out. He half raises his hand in response though I am surprised he keeps a certain finger out from view. I open the note and for the first time I can remember I curse the sun.

Come nightfall, Eric is going to be hearing from me.

A little while later, I am standing in front of my car as I close my eyes and try to count to ten one more time to try to push the anger that I am feeling back, the hurt I am feeling back. I make a mistake and reread the piece of paper, but the words are still the same and I doubt I was reading into it the wrong way.

The words really aren't to interpretation.

I get into my car and start the trip down to Fangtasia. I haven't seen or talked to Eric since he told me about Bill coming back but I can't let him get away with this. He can't have his dayman drop off a note like this, and not expect to hear from me.

I pull into the Fangtasia parking lot and look to see who is on door duty. Who it is will determine which entrance I use. When I see it's Thalia, I walk up to the front entrance. She sees me and keeps her face blank as she quickly nods me into the bar. I ignore the calls of people outside still waiting to get in.

I walk into the main part of the club and don't see Eric sitting on his chair. I walk up to the bar, surprised to see Clancy there as the vampire acted like it was below him. He nods to me as I get closer and I ask him if Eric's here. "He's in his office," he tells me while making a drink.

So that's where I head, crushing the piece of paper in my hand. I am hoping it acts as a stress ball and I don't hit Eric.

I am not quite sure it will work though.

**Eric POV**

Going through the motions. That is what I have been doing this past week, simply going through the motions. I have been getting up from my rest, attending to my Sherriff duties, trying my best to ignore the masses at Fangtasia, and going to rest.

Oh and trying to avoid Pam between every step of the way. Needless to say, it had not been a good week.

Colonel Flood, the pack master of the local pack here in Shreveport, had finally managed to meet with me two nights after he had originally showed up here much to my dismay. I did not want to meet with him but he had shown up the night before and I turned him away again. I doubt if I did it a third time it would go over well.

Pam had sat in the meeting with me, making sure what I said was accurate and to answer questions I may not be able to. Flood was worried about the stability of the other local pack, the pack Tray, according to Pam, is now leading. I had been trying to explain to him that the reason for the instability in the pack had been removed when Tray killed Charles.

Apparently, that did not soothe Flood's mind as restructuring the pack, as Tray has been forced to do, can lead to instability as well. He seemed a little better after I explained that almost everyone who had followed Charles was dead as well. The ones that weren't, well Tray had handled them. Thalia had even helped.

And she had come back smiling which made actually me feel bad for the wolves.

Thankfully, the meeting was just about over, at least in my mind, as I stood to get rid of Flood after I felt the initial fear from Sookie. Fear had come shooting across our bond like a train. I practically shoved him out of my office when I heard Pam's phone vibrate from her pocket. I moved next to Pam before she even picked up the call. I heard Sookie's voice, shaking from what I could only assume is fear as she said, "Pam, he's here."

Pam got to use the bookcase she had already picked out.

I paced around the room for the rest of the short conversation. Bill hadn't done anything but show up at Merlotte's the same night Sookie started working there again. She told Pam that he hadn't spoken to her. She hadn't even caught him looking at her at all. He was being seen and getting back to his routine, which is what he was supposed to be doing, according to the Queen at least.

According to me what Bill should have been doing is nothing as he should be goo in the ground.

When Pam had gotten back that night, her arms wrapped around me mid pace, as I had been pacing the entire night away in my office. It was the only thing I could think to do that would not be further destructive.

Though, the rug had needed to be replaced because I had worn it down so thinly.

Arms around me, Pam had told me that Sookie was fine. She had panicked seeing Bill for the first time again. By the time Pam had gotten there, Sookie had pulled herself together and had been able to get through the night. Pam had stayed through closing and had gotten Sookie home safely.

It killed me that it could not be me that comforted Sookie. I couldn't have been me to drop everything and make sure she was okay. I had monitored the bond that I felt with her closely that night, and every other remaining night this week. Feeling her was both the best and worst feelings I had. It was amazing to feel her, to be tied to someone that I had wanted to be with, someone I wanted to prove myself to. It was horrible to feel the pain and hurt from her each night. Thankfully, it was never again fear, but knowing that the pain and hurt were probably my doing, destroyed me bit by bit each evening.

And tonight is no different, as I have felt pain and anger from her since I had awoke from my rest.

I sense Pam coming up behind me before I can see or hear her. I have been keeping track of our bond a little more closely so she does not take me by surprise. That and it allows me to keep a little less attention to another bond I have.

In theory, of course. It did not really carry over well in practice.

As she approaches, she says, "Oh good, you're moping for a change."

"Go play in traffic, Pam," I tell her switching to my native tongue. I am sure the fellow vampires here have felt the tension between my child and I during the last week, but there are many humans here tonight, being New Year's Eve. It is none of their concern. Not too mention the Queen's warning that she thinks Threadgill is sending spies throughout the state. We cannot appear weak or seem like there is dissention among the ranks – even if there is.

"I would, but getting the shards of metal out is rather meticulous," she replies joining me in my native language.

"Pit-bulls," I offer.

"They tickle," she says coming to the front of my chair. She looks me up and down and I know she does not like what she sees. "Letting yourself go, are you?" I keep quiet and look around at the blood bags knowing full well what Pam is seeing. I had a mirror after all.

"I'm concerned Eric."

"Do not be."

"It's my job."

"It is not."

She's quiet for a few moments but I know better than to think she will drop the conversation. "Don't tell me not to worry about you."

"I am fine, Pam."

"Eric, you haven't fed," she finally says and I hear the worry in her voice, which for some reason only makes me angrier. "You've had maybe two bottled bloods this whole week." It was only one really. I had dumped the other one down the drain when she was not looking.

What bothers me is I do not even know why. Why does the thought of feeding from someone disgust me? It is the confusion over these feelings and Pam trying to shove a blood in my face that finally has me moving.

I stand up and motion to a girl who has been staring at me since she has entered the bar. As she walks over to me, Pam steps up next to me and still in my natural tongue asks, "What the fuck are you doing."

"Having dinner," I tell her with a smirk on my face. "I thought you would be happy."

My child is speechless I never thought I would see the day. As I turn to lead my meal back to my office, Pam finally comes out of her stupor and says, "But Eric."

"But what Pam," I tell her twisting around quickly to face her. "You wanted me to feed, I am going to feed. Maybe get the little release I have been craving all week."

I turn again and start the walk to the hallway leading to my office with the girl following behind me. Before I leave the bar area I hear Pam say softly, "You'll regret this, Eric. I know you will."

Hearing her words, I close my eyes, and hesitate for a second with the decisions I can make right now racing through my mind. None of which, are appeasing at the moment. I say back to my child, "I have many regrets Pam. What is one more?"

I grab the girl's arm and walk, ok it may be more like drag, her down the hall before Pam can say anything else, or before she can appear in front of me and I am forced to see her face, the expression on it I am sure I have seen many times throughout this week. An expression where she looks as lost as I feel.

The hallway to my office feels so much longer than it is as I walk down it. I do not need to breathe, but I feel smothered. Smothered by feelings, by emotions that I am not felt for years. For centuries actually. Feelings that were long beaten out of me. Emotions that I am no longer capable of feeling.

And I have no idea where they came from.

My chest, with lungs that need no breath and a heart that doesn't beat feels tight. The drowning sensation is back. To be honest, it hasn't really ever left me all week. I have not gotten any closer to the surface either. If anything, the surface is getting further and further away.

I reach the door to my office and turn around to face the girl I selected for this evening. It seems like every instinct I have is telling me to turn her around and send her on her way.

And it is all stemming from these feelings. Feelings I should not be having.

It is the hope that these feelings will go away that causes me to open the door and stand to the side so that the woman goes into my office. It is the hope that if these feelings go away, I can break through the surface of this doubt that seems to be only pulling me down further.

But the feelings telling me to send this woman away only get stronger as she enters my office.

I do not want these emotions that have been plaguing me all week. I do not want to feel. I do not know how. That is what makes me close the door, locking me in my office with the woman.

**Pam POV**

My maker is…well I'm not sure I have words for exactly what Eric is now. And that should tell you that whatever he is, it's not good if I have no words for him. Maybe that should be my new way of judging people; if I have no words to describe them that's when shit is about to hit the fan.

That right there should have told me something.

I walk out of my office, where I had gone when Eric took the girl back to his, and stop short once I hit the main part of the bar. The unmistakable scent of blond, part-fairy telepath hits my nose. I quickly glance around the bar to locate her before things can get even more out of hand. The last thing she needs to do is walk in on Eric fucking someone else right now.

So that's probably what she's doing.

Fucking fantastic.

I send out a text to the other vampires working asking if they had seen her. I want to stake Clancy when he says she headed to the back when he told her Eric was in his office.

Fuck a donkey.

Though why she picked tonight of all nights to come for a visit I don't know. Why I picked tonight of all nights to push Eric's buttons – the not so fun ones - I don't know.

I must have just missed her. I quickly make my way to Eric's office just in time to see Sookie reach it. Before I can call out to her, the door swings open with Eric following his dinner out of the room. Dinner looks a little disheveled and is fixing the collar on her shirt.

Thankfully, that is all she is adjusting.

Being a vampire, I have seen motionlessness beings. Being a vampire I have been that motionless. The stillness that has taken over this hallway is not something I have ever experienced before.

And I don't think I want to again.

Even Eric's meal picks up on the obvious tension and freezes like prey trying to hide from a predator. At this point I'm not sure who the actual predator is as Sookie is looking like she can give Eric a run for his money. I think Eric sees this too as he quickly glamours the girl who is sent off on her way.

"Sookie, it's not," he starts but she doesn't want to hear it as she says, "You know, I would love to say that I am surprised, but I can't."

I reach for Sookie's arm to try and get her away for a minute so I can talk to her before one, or more likely both, of them will say something they will regret.

Again.

Instead of coming with me as I grab her arm, she turns to me and yells, "Did you know?"

To say I'm confused is an understatement. The truth is, if it's about Eric, I probably do know. I have no idea what she is asking about though. Eric suddenly says softly, "Can we talk about this in my office? I can explain."

I look at him and can see how crushed he is at the whole situation and it makes me just want to hit him. This could all have been avoided if he just talked to her. Or allowed me to talk to her. Or used fucking smoke signals at this point.

Sookie must have taken in the, 'What the fuck is she talking about,' look I gave to Eric because spins around to Eric and growls out, "How dare you ask me to go into your office when you just had her in there."

I have never heard a human growl words out like that before. Maybe fairy-Sookie is coming out to play. Human Sookie is scary enough. With fairy-Sookie we may want to duck and cover.

"Sookie, we can go into my office," I tell her gently less to appease Eric and more to try and escape ears that should not be hearing this right now. For the safety of everyone involved we cannot seem at odds with each other. Also, if I can talk to Sookie I might be able to cut off another huge misunderstanding between these two.

Sookie's not playing though as she makes no move to exit the hallway and says, "She doesn't know, does she? She wouldn't be this calm if she did."

I look over at Eric who if possible looks even worse then he did mere seconds ago. Great. I have a feeling that when I find out just what has Sookie this upset I am going to want to hurt Eric. More than I already do.

"She doesn't know that you," Sookie starts but Eric covers her mouth with his hands. If looks could kill, my maker would be a big pile of goo at the moment with the one she gives him.

"Pam take her into your office," he says in a voice that demands not to be ignored. "I will be there in a minute."

As Eric starts off back to the bar, Sookie makes to follow him but I can't let her. I grab hold of her arm and quickly take her down the hall and into my office. Once I close the door, she pulls away from me.

"We don't know who is in the bar tonight, Sookie," I tell her before she can say anything. By the look on her face she understands what that could mean.

She's shaking from what I can only surmise in anger as she says, "Please, Pam. Tell me you didn't know. Tell me that you weren't keeping this from me." The desperation for my answer is clearly heard in her voice. The problem is I don't know if I can tell her that. I don't know if she somehow found out why Eric went wonky or if he did something else.

The door opens and closes behind Eric quickly, but so not quickly as I miss Thalia standing on the outside of the door. I raise my eyebrow in question and Eric shakes his head before turning to Sookie who in turn throws a crumpled up piece of paper at Eric, whose reflexes have him catching it in surprise.

"That's what I am worth to you," she yells, her voice shaky. "A note scribbled on a piece of paper?"

"What note," I ask turning to Eric. He hadn't told me of any note he sent to Sookie. What had he done now?

"You couldn't have come and seen me to tell me this."

"I did not think that would be something you wanted."

"Oh but the note you sent to me, you thought I would want that?" Eric hides it well, but I can see confusion on his face at her words, which tells me he may not have thought she wanted it exactly, but he didn't think she's be having a reaction this strong. "How about a phone call, then. That would have even been better then having your dayman leave it on my porch. If I didn't get out of work early I would have come home and found it under my door. Really, Eric? That's what it's worth to you? That's what I'm worth to you?"

"No Sookie. Not at all," Eric says in a weak voice that I had never heard out of him before. And I have heard him at his most vulnerable.

At least I thought I had until tonight.

"I told you," he continues. "You are," but Sookie cuts him off and says, "Everything, I remember. But as I said the other night," she starts.

That's however, when I cut her off. I'm not sure what she said the other night. Eric hadn't said anything about their conversation. But I can't let these two continue. They'll just keep hurting each other and won't even know why. "Enough," I yell which causes them both to turn their attention to me for the first time since Eric walked into the room. "What's going on? What the hell was that note about?"

I look at Sookie expecting her to tell me, but it's Eric soft voice that I hear. "Our bond," he says drawing my attention towards him, but he only has eyes for Sookie at the moment. He has my attention though, and my want to drive something through his chest as he explains, "I want to break our bond."

**Remember, breathe in through you nose and out through your mouth. Good news is this initiates the big conversation that these two need to have which means that we will be getting some answers soon.**

**Thanks for taking the time to give this story a spin. Thanks to the guest reviewers that I can't respond to.**

**My thoughts are with anyone in Seaside that was affected by the fire, those in Colorado affected by the flooding, and anyone else who had a rough week like me. May the upcoming weeks be better.**


	6. All Too Well

_Maybe we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much,_

_And maybe this thing was a masterpiece 'til you tore it all up._

_Running scared, I was there, I remember it all too well._

_Hey, you call me up again just to break me like a promise._

_So casually cruel in the name of being honest._

_I'm a crumpled up piece of paper lying here_

_'Cause I remember it all, all, all... too well – Taylor Swift_

**Pam POV**

A vampire's hearing is perfect but I may have to get mine checked. Instead I opt for saying, "What," at Eric's words that he wanted to break the bond he started with Sookie. No wonder why he wanted to have this conversation in his office. Sophie-Anne knowing about this was one thing. If Threadgill's spies who are probably here tonight get wind of this, we'd need a paddle for this shit's creek I hear humans talk about sometimes.

Not unsurprisingly, Eric doesn't respond to my question, which tells me just how bad he is doing at the moment. Eric maintains control of every situation. He is sure of what he is doing and has an answer for everything that is thrown at him. Usually.

Not so much right now I am finding, which tells me just how much he is struggling at the moment. I look into his face and it's clear to me that he is suffering. That he is in pain. That he is barely holding it together.

And I need him to hold it together right now. He needs to hold it together now for himself. Sookie needs for him to hold it together right now. Maybe then, she will finally get to learn the truth about so much, starting with what really happened with Eric and that girl tonight. Or didn't happen as the case may be if my senses are anything to go on.

And they usually are.

I just wish the fact that he is barely holding on, to anything at the moment, was clear to someone else. Maybe then Sookie wouldn't be as hurt, herself. Maybe then Sookie would be willing to help Eric overcome the prison that has been in his head for the past week. Longer even, if I'm being honest.

Instead, he's making it harder for her to care. Harder for her to understand. Nearly impossible even. And it will only hurt her further when she finds out how lost he truly is. Not only how, but the horrible misunderstanding of why.

This could destroy them both.

This time it's Sookie, not Eric who repeats, "He wants to break the bond." Her voice is soft and steady, but I have learned that is when she is in the most pain.

"And why does he want to break the bond," I ask completely confused. Even in this state of mind, I didn't ever think he would do this.

"You'd have to ask him," Sookie replies throwing out her arm in Eric's direction. I look at my maker who seems to be falling apart right before my eyes. For the first time in a long time, I don't know how to deal with Eric. Part of me says to get angry, push him. If I push him now, maybe this all could end. Or, knowing our current luck, it could all go to hell. After all, it was me pushing him tonight that led him to his first real meal in weeks. And judging from how pale he still is and the disgusted feeling I got from him as he was with her, it was not enough.

Deciding not to push him too far at the moment, I turn to him and simply say, "Well," instead of the torrent of words that are racing through my mind right now

"I do not owe you an explanation," he snarls at me. Maybe I would push him a little. Maybe through a fucking wall or something.

"How about me? Do you owe me one," Sookie asks her voice still calm. At her words, Eric falls silent.

When he doesn't answer her, Sookie lets out a little laugh. Cue her sarcasm. "I guess you feel like you don't. Well, I suppose it was nice of you to let me know before you did it, after all. Guess I should be thankful for that." Sookie then turns on her heels and starts to head to my door. I can smell the tears that start to fall down her eyes.

Makes me again want to push Eric through a wall. Into a ditch. With alligators. And silver. And I know why he's acting like a jackass. I can only imagine how Sookie is feeling.

He surprises us both, judging by Sookie's little jump as she reaches for the doorknob as he says simply, "Sookie."

The woman in question wipes her eyes before turning around to face him. "What do you want, Eric. You know what, I don't really care. Have your little dayman deliver me another fucking note if you have anything more to say to me. That way I don't have to actually hear or read it. I can just fucking burn it."

She tries to open the door but finds she can't as Eric is suddenly next to her preventing her from doing so. "Get the hell away from me," she says slowly, taking time to pronounce each word.

He backs up but keeps his hand on the door, which may be keeping Sookie in but it's also doing a very good job of pissing her off. "Sookie, please," he says barely whispering. I know it hurts him to have her act like this towards him.

What I am not sure of is just how much he realizes he's hurting her when he behaves like this.

At his words, Sookie closes her eyes and leans her body into his, seemingly unconsciously. I say seemingly, because the action of moving closer to Eric definitely does not match her next action of shoving him away from her roughly. "You don't get to say please, Eric. You don't. Not to me. Not when I would love to say please for so many things. Not when I would love to say please don't say things about us, about what we shared like that. Not when I would have said please don't hurt me like that. Not when I want to say please stop being a fucking coward and just talk to me damn it. You don't get to ask anything of me at the moment," she tells him before finally opening the door and leaving.

The door slams closed and for a few seconds there is absolutely no sound in the room. I use the time to think my strategy. I can yell, like I really want to. Anger is an emotion I will have no problem evoking at the moment, but I don't think Eric will respond well to that right now.

As much as it's the emotion I would like to be expressing at the moment.

Gentle is the way to go. I think. More like hope at this point. I finally take a deep, unneeded breath before saying, "You have to go after her, Eric. This has gone on long enough. It's tearing her up and I know that's the last thing you want to do. You need to talk to her. You need to tell her."

**Eric POV**

I hear Pam's words but it takes me a minute or two to actually comprehend them. All I keep hearing is Sookie slamming the door closed. All I keep seeing is Sookie walking out the door. With a pained look on her face.

A look that is there because of me.

"Talk to her," I say to my child, more of a question than a statement. I do not understand what she thinks me talking to Sookie will accomplish. It has not worked out so well in the past week. That is another thing. I do not comprehend how things had gone all wrong. Why they keep going all wrong. Why in trying not to hurt her, I seem to be hurting her the most. "How can I talk to her when all I do is bring her pain?"

Pam takes a step towards me and pushes back some hair that has fallen into my face, offering comfort to me. The comfort that I should have offered to her, yet another way that I have recently failed.

I was worried that I was just going to keep on failing. Signs certainly keep pointing in that direction, even with trying to do just the opposite.

"Yes, talk to her," she tells me gently. "It can be that easy, Eric. If you had spoken to her before now, maybe this, maybe tonight could all have been avoided. You know she think you fucked that girl."

I would have expected her to start yelling. She's good at that. She gets it from me. The fact that she is not is a warning to me. She realizes I am even closer to the edge than I thought I was.

And for the first time in a long time, I am not entirely sure what lies for me should I topple to the bottom. All I know is, should I fall, it will be worse than it is now. And with the way I am feeling now, that is difficult for me to believe.

The drowning feeling is back and I cannot shake it. For the first time in almost a thousand years I feel the need to take a breath. I feel the need for oxygen in my lungs. I have taken in oxygen before of course. To an extent, we need it to talk, but I have never felt the need as a vampire before now.

And it is a feeling that my body does not know what to do with, just like all of the other feelings that I have had lately. These are all emotions that I should not be having, feelings that I could not have.

And they are overwhelming me.

I feel pressure at the sides of my face and that helps me focus Pam has her hands on my cheeks making me stare down at her face. As I come back to myself, I take a big gasping breath, but it is only like a trick, as it offers no relief.

I see red tears beginning to appear in my child's eyes as she says, "You are better than this, Eric. So much better in so many ways."

I press my forehead to hers and close my eyes. "Your faith in me is astounding," I tell her in my native language. "And at this time it is misplaced."

She shakes her head against mine and answers me in the same language I spoke to her saying, "You've earned it, Eric. You're just a little lost right now."

"And who will find me if I can't find myself?"

She takes her face away from me, which causes me to open my eyes and stare down at her face. "I could think of a few," she tells me smiling for the first time in at least a week. "One in particular that would probably be more than willing if you simply talk to her," she says sternly.

I am not sure what exactly does it. It could have been the insinuation that the damage I seem to can't stop causing to Sookie may not be completely unredeemable. It could have been the first smile I had seen on Pam's face fell. For whatever reason, the drowning feeling from before is back yet again. I shake, not sure of my decision at all, but make my way out of my office.

I rush out of the back of Fangtasia before I can change my mind. It is a risk to leave. With Threadgill's people surely around tonight, I should be here. I should be showing a strong, consistent front. Problem is, I am not feeling all that strong at the moment and the only thing that I am consistent on now, is misery. I have a feeling I will be doing more harm than good if I stay. Also, I know if I stay, I will not be getting a chance to talk to Sookie. As it stands, I may not get that chance tonight.

Hell, I may not get that chance at all. Ever again. And that thought felt like a stake in my chest.

Once in the back lot, I take to the sky, simply flying with no destination in mind. I know I am going in the direction of Bon Temps, but that is all I can tell you as I am more focused on my thoughts.

Inside my head is not a fun place to be at this moment.

Numbness starts to set over me, like a coldness seeping into my body. It is actually a welcome reprieve from how I have been all week. Most likely longer even. Everything is just so closed off. It's a relief to just not feel anything, or anyone as I realize I am not sensing the two bonds that have been plaguing me.

After some time, I land in a clearing a few miles from where I know Sookie's house is. There is a small pond and quite a few trees around it. I walk up to the pond and admire the reflection of the full moon in the water. It is a sign of how truly distracted I am as I hear a familiar voice call from behind me, "What are you doing here?"

I turn around and see Sookie sitting on the ground, leaning up against a tree trunk, curled around herself, appearing very small. "Would you believe me if I say I do not know," I ask her taking a few steps towards her. "I just flew here. Almost on autopilot," I tell her taking in the unfamiliar surroundings.

She holds her hands up to stop my progression towards her and I halt my steps immediately. "I don't know what to believe any more if it comes out of your mouth."

"I told you that I would never lie to you. I meant that."

She makes a disbelieving noise. "At the moment, maybe."

"I will never."

"Doesn't feel that way to me," she responds bitterly. I know she is thinking about my actions to her, my actions that seem like such a strong contradiction to the words I am currently trying to get her to believe.

"Do I even get to know why," I hear her ask as I stare at her, wondering how, if there is any way for me to do this, to talk to her, to try and explain things to her without furthering hurting her.

I really hope there is.

**Sookie POV**

I sit there leaning against the tree simply staring at him. I can't lie and ignore that part of me is upset that he actually showed up here. In the spot from my childhood, the spot where we had gotten to be playful with each other in the midst of such unknown and threats.

I had come here tonight for the same reasons I had come here as a child, to shut my mind down and not think. It was going so well too.

That should have been my clue that it wouldn't last too long.

Surprise, surprise, Eric doesn't seem to have an answer for me. He doesn't seem to be feeling very chatty tonight which is a shame because all I want to do is talk. I want answers. I want to know why for a week, I have been so upset. Why I have been having these incredible, and sensual of course, dreams only to find out my life is the nightmare when I wake up.

I get up, making the decision to leave since it doesn't look like I'll be getting any of the answers I desperately crave. As I make it to my feet, he shocks me by saying, "Do you really want to know?"

I bite my tongue in order to not scream at him. As angry as I am, if there is a chance I will get some answers tonight, I don't want to ruin it because I got too angry. No matter how entitled I might be to that feeling. I bite too hard though because I can taste blood and when Eric sniffs the air, I know he has smelled it.

"I wouldn't have asked if I didn't want to know."

Eric hesitates in saying something else and takes a few more steps closer to me. As much as I don't want him this close to me right now, I don't move back. I will not be seen right now as being scared or intimidated. I probably won't get my answers if that's how he sees me.

"I have been feeling your pain throughout the bond all week," he starts off by saying. "And knowing it was me that was causing your pain. I had just thought…"

I cut him off by saying, "You just thought. You thought you could break our bond to make you feel better," I ask not believing what I heard him say. Eric had never hurt me to save himself from pain. Did I even know him at all?

"You know an even better way that you could have stopped feeling my pain," I yell at him, throwing my hands in the air. "If you stop causing my pain. That would have been a much better solution than having your pathetic dayman, who really doesn't think too highly of me by the way, come and drop off a note. That's all the bond meant to you? A scribble on a fucking piece of paper?"

And of course there's no response, which only succeeds in making me angrier. "You know what. You have been the one causing my pain. You don't want to feel it anymore. That's just too damn bad. You have to just suck it up and be a big boy," I say as I storm by him.

"That is not why," he tells me. "I wish I did not feel you hurting but I can handle that if I can also feel if you are in danger. I would not give that up lightly," he says, his voice a bit angry as well.

"Then why," I ask him.

To lessen your pain," he tells me gently, all traces of the anger that was just present in his voice gone. "I had thought with the connection to us gone, your pain would be less. I thought it would help you."

"You expect me to believe that?"

"It is the truth."

"Were you even going to talk to me about it. Why just the note, Eric? You have to know that's a real crappy way of ending things."

"I thought by speaking to you either over the phone or in person would have hurt you more. It did not go well when I came to you in person to let you know about Bill. I never meant to hurt you, Sookie," he says to me, hoping against hope that he is telling the truth, but I have my doubts at this point. Everything had been fine until he said those things. He knew I was right in the next room while he was yelling at Pam. It's not like he was being quiet. He had to know I would hear him.

And just like that, the anger that I have been trying so hard to keep at bay, for reasons I don't even know, comes flying back to the surface.

"Well then all you had to do was keep your fucking mouth shut," I tell him and start to turn away and continue walking.

"I am sorry you heard me saying those things to Pam," I hear him say as I walk away from him.

"I notice you're not saying that you're sorry you said them." I don't know what I was thinking when I stayed to talk to him. Did I really think we could work something out? Did I really think he would say anything that truly made a difference?

"My words were just…I was just so upset with myself for hurting you," he calls out having to raise his voice as I am getting further and further away. "It was the last thing I wanted to do. Those words were really directed at me. I was upset with myself."

That makes me pause, though I do not turn back around towards him. He hadn't had hurt me before I heard him say those things to Pam.

"You must be confused. You didn't hurt me until you said those things." He starts to say something but I won't let him. "You see, I remember everything Eric. I remember how you were there for me. I remember that dreadful conversation I had with Pam and Ludwig, only to realize that they were right, I did deserve to be happy again. I remember realizing I was already happy with you during that ride in your car. I remember that even without your memories, even with no knowledge of me, you couldn't hurt me. You wouldn't hurt me. You still felt drawn to me. God do I wish that was a feeling that stuck with you when your memories returned."

I was yelling. I took a deep breath. Okay, I took several as I was out of breath from all the yelling. I looked straight at Eric as I softly tell him, "I remember bringing you here when you needed a break from the craziness that is Pam. We just talked and I laughed while you chased me around, growling in that ridiculous way you did. The safe feeling I had with you. The feeling of pure happiness I had when I thought you felt the same way I did, the sense of finally being complete when I was with you. It felt great. We felt great. Then for whatever reason, you tossed it all out the window. I remember it all."

I see a confused look on his face and he is not even trying to hide it from me. He doesn't even care enough to hide his confusion at my words from me. Did he really think I didn't care, like it didn't matter to me? I stand there staring at him, waiting, wishing he would have a response to anything I just said. But when minutes go by and he still hasn't said anything, I turn and walk away from him, shaking my head at my own stupidity. My own wishful thinking that my words would have some sort of clarifying effect for him. But that couldn't work if Eric was already feeling clear on things. And since time travel hasn't been mastered yet and I couldn't go back and fix anything, I was out of luck.

He speaks softly, as he calls my name that I barely hear him. I should keep on walking but I find myself stopping, wanting to listen to what he will say.

That's me, a glutton for punishment.

"I do not Sookie," he says causing me to whip around to face him. He could not be saying what I think he is saying. This could not be happening again. He can't be here, in front of me again with this happening. But he repeats again, "I do not," and I sink to my knees on the cold, rocky ground.

**Hello lovely readers. I do hope you enjoyed this chapter as we start to get a few answers of just what has been going on with Eric. This conversation continues next chapter so the answers just keep on coming.**

**Quite a few guest reviewers for the last chapter. I appreciate all your feedback and I am sorry I can't respond to you. **

**I did get a review about it so just so everyone knows the angst in this story is simply not for my fun. It's kind of a big plot point in this first part of this story. Now that these two are finally talking, things get better but it's not going to be quick fix as there are quite a few issues they need to work out individually and together. Now if angst isn't your thing, we are over the worst of it but it will be present off and throughout a bit more of this story. **


	7. Mine Would Be You

_What's the greatest chapter in your book?_

_Are there pages where it hurts to look?_

_What's the one regret you can't work through?_

_You got it baby, mine would be you_

_Yeah you got it baby, mine would be you_

_Mine would be you _

_Taillights fading_

_Daylight breaking_

_Standing there like a fool_

_When I should've been running_

_Yellin' out something_

_To make you wanna hold on to_

_The best love ever_

_Girl, can you tell me_

_The one thing you'd rather die than lose?_

_Cause mine would be you_

_Mine would be you, you – Blake Shelton_

**Sookie POV**

Eric's words of, 'I do not,' are all I keep hearing. The words are echoing through my head. Even as I can't stop hearing them, I am trying to convince myself that he never actually said them. That I had misheard. That I am actually still asleep wrapped up in his arms and this has just been a bad dream. A weeklong nightmare. It can't possibly mean he doesn't remember any of the time while he was under Hallow's curse.

Can it?

I can't seem to wrap my head around the idea and instead my mind shifts to what has happened since the curse was lifted, if it can still be said that Eric has been freed from the curse. It seems that may not be able to if Eric still doesn't have all of his memories. Nothing has made sense since I woke up to Eric screaming at Pam, the same Pam who was taken and tortured for nights before. Nothing I had ever seen from Eric led me to believe he would ever treat his child like that, especially given what she had been through. Judging by her reaction at my house later that night, Pam was shocked and hurt as well.

But then my mind flashes to the phone call that came later that evening. The second I mentioned on that phone call that he had done wrong by yelling at Pam he wanted to talk to her. No, it was really when I had gotten specific, when I mentioned she had silver bars stuck through her torso he asked to speak to her. He needed to speak with her. It was such a contrast to his previous words and actions that night.

Which would make sense if he didn't remember the fact that Pam was taken and his child was tortured as a way to get to him.

That means that there is so much more that he doesn't remember. He doesn't remember how drawn to me he still was without any memory of me. He wouldn't have any memory of how close we had still managed to get. He would have no memory of coming here with me before. He would not know that I had said I was his, that I acknowledged such an important thing in his world. That I was ready to acknowledge it at all should have made it known to him just how I felt about him.

I don't know if it's my thoughts or the hard, rocky ground but I feel my knees go numb making me fall forward. My mind is present enough for me to know that with my arms staying at my side, I will be falling straight on my face. It's absent enough however, for my arms to stay at my side. The ground is moving closer and closer but before I hit it, I feel strong arms grab me.

And there is only person whose arms they could be.

Eric pulls me into a sitting position in his lap and his arms don't leave me, even after I am steady, and the feeling of that leaves me torn. I want to be held. I want to be comforted right now. It's the fact that the person who's holding me is both the first and last person I want touching me right now, that is leaving me torn.

It feels so right to be in Eric's arms again, as much as it is tearing me apart. But the part of me that feels the need to be comforted right now wins out. I can still feel my anger. It still feels like it is eating me alive. But with the knowledge of what has been going on with Eric is starting to be known to me, I feel like I am being pulled under water and am miles from the surface. But now that Eric is holding me, the person who has also made me feel so broken this last week, I feel that I can finally breathe.

Kind of ironic.

Making my decision I close my eyes and gently place my head on his shoulder, just needing to feel something beside this sinking sensation. Actually, it's more like I am trying to feel nothing. Although, my mind seems to have another idea at the moment, because an awful thought crosses my mind. "What exactly don't you remember," I ask as I feel Eric rest his head on mine.

I move my head a bit and Eric understands that I am asking him to move his head. That's just a little much for me right now. He answers me softly, "I do not recall anything that happened while I was under Hallow's curse."

"But stuff from before?"

"Pam says it seems that I have gotten back all the memories I lost," he says. After a pause, he says again, "I just do not have any memory of the time I was cursed."

Somehow, the thought that he has not lost all his memories of the two of us together does not make me feel better. So like me, and like I said only minutes ago, he remembers dinner and the car ride. He remembers the kisses and that both of us were ready to give it a shot.

And then, for whatever reason, he woke up with me in his arms and instead of deciding to give it a shot, he instead shot it, whatever we could have been.

Eric must know my thoughts are going a mile a minute with what he just explained to me but he is staying quiet for the moment. Unlike before when I wanted to be left alone with my own thoughts to be able to sort through them, right now I feel the opposite. Right now, I don't want to do anymore thinking and just about any distraction would be welcome.

Because no matter how I think about, no matter how I try to rationalize my way to what may have happened, I can't. Eric had decided to be with me and judging by his reaction it's a decision he ultimately regrets.

"Say it, Sookie," Eric says, his voice breaking through my thoughts.

I am not entirely sure what he wants me to say. Apparently though, he has had enough of my silence. "Yell, Sookie. Yell. Scream. Get angry with me. I just cannot take it anymore. I cannot take your silence. I cannot take you, in silent pain."

The problem with that it, I am so passed yelling at him. I have long passed feeling the type of anger that would have me screaming at him. That would have me throwing a tantrum, hitting him even. Instead, I have gotten to the resigned anger. The idea that no matter what I do, it won't make a difference. It won't change anything so what's the point. Why even bother.

I almost don't even say anything. I don't plan to. I plan on taking a few more seconds of comfort from Eric before getting up, walking way, and trying to figure out how we can avoid each other while staying safe and while I am still wanted by the Queen.

But I make the mistake of lifting and turning my head to look at Eric. The expression on his face is not one I have ever seen there before. The look on his face right now is one of pain. It's one of hurt. For a few seconds it makes my anger rise again. What right, does he have to be in pain in all of this? Maybe he doesn't remember how close we grew, but he remembers we started something. I am about to start yelling when I realize why this expression is so different than the hurt I have seen on Eric's face before.

There's a look of desperation about him. I would almost say it's a look of regret but it's underneath another emotion that I have never seen on Eric's face before.

Fear. He seems to be afraid. Of what exactly, remains to be one of my many questions. But seeing the combination of emotions on his face, the only description I have for it is despair has me swallowing back my anger. I want to know why Eric has that look on his face. I want to know why he is hurt. I want to know what he's afraid of.

And I hope to find out what he regrets. Because I really hope what he regrets is not his relationship with me but what he did to it.

I know. Call me crazy but I hope Eric's answer to my question just doesn't destroy me. Because right now, that will be easy for him to do. But looking at his face, I also think he's on the brink of being destroyed too.

Looking into his face, I finally say, "Like I asked before, Eric why? That's all. I just want to know why."

He hangs his head and says, "You ask me for the one answer I cannot give you. I do not know why, Sookie," he tells me. "That is the killer in all of this. I threw it all away, something that I have wanted for a very long time. I did something unforgivable and I cannot even remember why."

"That's a load of shit, Eric," I say and he finally gets his wish. My voice is raised as I push back in his arms a bit causing him to drop them to his own sides. The anger that I had been trying to keep back will not stay behind my walls anymore. "You told me that you remember what happened before Hallow cursed you. You know that we had started something. You know we had both made that decision. Why then would you say such horrible things about it to Pam? How could you make it sound like it was a horrible decision? Like I was some terrible mistake."

To say Eric looks confused at my statement would be an understatement. "This is not the first time you have said those words were what hurt you," he tells me softly.

"They did."

"I do not doubt that. But you say it like the words hurt you more than what I did to you, that they cut you deeper than my actions did. And that is something that I do not understand as surely my actions are the unforgivable portion of the evening and not the words."

His words confused me because up until when I woke to him screaming, I was happy. I thought he was too. Anger at himself at made him say those cruel words? He expected me to believe that? I swallow before saying, "What the fuck are you talking about?"

**Eric POV**

She just wants me to say the words, doesn't she? After a torturous week of not even being able to think them, to think about what I had done to her, she was going to make me say them.

It was the perfect punishment. One I so rightly deserved.

I try to look away from her, from where she is still half sitting in my lap. She will not even give me that though as her hand comes up to my face, and pulls it back up so I have nowhere to look but her eyes. "You can't hide from this anymore, Eric," she tells me, her voice more calm and steady than it was only moments ago.

All that tells me is just like myself she is very close to the edge. It is an edge I do not want her topple over, yet I seem to be the one pushing her closer and closer to it even as I try to do the opposite. I cannot allow us to topple over the edge. Pam would feel forced to pick up the pieces and I do not want to subject my child to that.

So it becomes my job to make sure we do not tumble to the bottom. And I am worried that means we do not stand a chance.

I decide to try and start with the good. "Sookie, when I woke up and you were in my arms, I was happy," I tell her. "So happy in fact, I thought that I was dreaming," I explain my thoughts to her as I woke up from my day rest. "Sookie, I have wanted you ever since that night you walked into my bar. I had finally realized I wanted you more for just one night, that I wanted all of you, that I wanted it to mean something. And I was so happy that you seemed to want the same thing too and it looked like we were going to get it."

"Well that sounds all fine and dandy, Eric. So how do you go from getting something you want that much to flushing it all down the toilet. Because that is what I am having trouble understanding."

"Don't you see it, Sookie," I say to her. "What I did makes me no better than Bill."

At that she stiffens and it is the first reaction that I have understood from her. But I become confused as her small hand again find it's way to my cheek and gently moves my face up so I am again staring in her eyes, eyes that seem closed off. The look in her eyes does not match the tone of her voice as she gently says, "Why would you say such a thing?"

"Because it is true, Sookie," I tell her, the anger I have at myself ever present in my voice. I had promised myself that when in control, I would never force myself on anyone. That unless it was for safety or their education, I would never command my children. Well this past week I have gone two for two, which would usually be a cause for celebration.

Except when the prize is the pain of the two beings you care most for in the world.

"Still not getting the big picture here, Eric," Sookie says exasperatedly. "I need more pieces of the puzzle."

Puzzle is a good description for what I am seeing in my head now. I do have gaps in my memory where I cannot remember what is going on. What is even worse is that my mind is trying to fill in the blanks. When I see what must have happened between Sookie and I that last night of the curse, I want to take a wooden stake to myself.

And I cannot even remember why I did it, what drove me to hurt her so. Not that there would be a good reason. Not that anything could be used as an excuse. There was nothing that could make my actions okay, nothing that could take back what I had done.

And that is the thought that causes my anger to rise back up, that no matter what, I have lost any opportunity I had with Sookie. "You need me to say it outright, Sookie," I ask her, my voice loud. "You need me to say that I forced you? Is that what you want to hear? Is that your punishment for me?"

To say the look on her face at my words is shocked, would be understating it. I see it for a split second before she is up off my lap and across the clearing taking shelter by the tree she was curled against before I can hear her take another breath. She stays quiet but I can see that her hands are shaking. I stand up but make no move to get any closer to her. I want nothing more than to run over there, wrap her in my arms, and make her feel better.

But I cannot make her feel better at the moment. At this point, I would settle for simply not hurting her any further.

She is facing away from me so I can see her back. The shaking has traveled up her arms and her upper back starts to convulse. "Is that a big enough puzzle piece for you," I ask gently when I cannot stand the silence anymore.

She slowly turns around to face me, her eyes darting around before finding mine. "I don't think we are trying to put together the same puzzle anymore." Her voice is trembling which is a stark contrast to the calm it has had in it all night. "What did you say," she finally asks.

"You are going to make me say it again? Why put both of us through hearing it a second time?" Because surely the memory of it for her is bad enough. My imagination, my thoughts about what happened that night have been awful enough.

"Because I have no idea why you said that. I have no idea why you think that."

What had I done to her that night that she cannot remember? Has she blocked it all out? Did the curse somehow affect her too? She was with me the night it was lifted. It is something that I will have to ask Octavia about. At my continued silence she says, "You really think you did that to me, don't you?"

She takes a few steps toward me and my eyes drop to the ground. "Eric," she calls and her tone causes me to look up. She has stopped just inches from me and lost in my thoughts, I never even realized it. "What makes you think you're even capable of that? Nothing I know about you even suggests you would ever do something like that."

"It was not the first time," I tell her hanging my head in shame. Visions from my past come dancing through my head. What Bill did to Sookie, caused a great deal of memories from my past to pop up. Memories I wish I did not remember. Memories I was trying very hard to keep buried. While helping Sookie heal from her ordeal, it gave me the distraction I needed to keep them, and he feelings they brought, at bay.

"Eric," Sookie calls my name and I look up to see her slowly walking across the clearing, surprising me again. "Why did you say you forced me," she says as she comes to stand in front of me.

"Did I not," I bite back at her not being able to hide my frustration, my anger. I understand that I have no right to be upset with her. I have no right to be angry with her. But I do not understand her insistence to keep talking about it. Wouldn't be upsetting for her as well?

I am about to turn around and walk away, when I hear her small voice call out, "No, you didn't."

I am sure I have a look of shock on my face. I open my mouth top say something, but no sound comes out. I finally manage to get out, "But," however, she quickly cuts me off again saying strongly, "You didn't."

Now it is me that falls to my knees hearing her say that a second time. Even on my knees, I feel that there is now ground below me. My behavior this past week was based on the thought that I had done something horrible, that I have done the unthinkable and completely unforgivable. Only to now find out that I hadn't done it.

What I remember from that night comes flashing back to me. I had woken up with Sookie in my arms, are activities from the previous night present in the air and the sheets wrapped around us. A stronger bond ever present as I can feel her vibrating inside my mind. The happiness of realizing I had want I wanted. I had a chance with the girl.

Then how it all crashed down when I realized that it was too soon. Sookie, strong but still healing from her traumatic experience with Bill, I thought would have never moved that fast willingly.

But here she is telling me differently.

I remember rushing out of the room screaming for Pam, upset that she had left us alone to allow me to hurt her. Not wanting to hear my motives, I commanded her not to speak about it, even as she was telling me I would regret doing so, telling me that I just did not understand. She asked me if I was all right after the curse was lifted because I was still acting odd.

Sookie's voice takes me out of my head as she asks, "I woke up and you were yelling at Pam, asking how she could have let this happen. What did you mean?"

"How could she have let me hurt you," I tell her barely hearing my own voice. Because that's what I was so sure happened. I was so sure that I had hurt her. I must have spoken louder than I thought though, as Sookie closes her eyes when she hears them.

She walks over and takes my face in her hands. "I can see on your face, how much this is hurting you, how much you are hurting because you think you hurt me. But you didn't, Eric. You didn't. Not until you said those things to Pam. Why would you think that?"

"The last thing I remembered after waking up, was kissing you goodbye before leaving for Fangtasia, the night Pam tells me I was cursed. The next thing I know, I wake up wrapped around you with evidence that we fucked and a stronger bond present." She flinches when I say the word 'fucked' which is the first action I can understand from her tonight. "The timing of events was off. It did not make any sense to me."

"You told Pam not now," she says thoughtfully.

"And I meant exactly that. I did not want you the way I thought I had you. I wanted you to want it. I wanted you to want me, to not feel at all pressured.

"And why did you assume that I was in your bed against my will."

"It has happened before," I tell her. And it is the truth. Many times as a young vampire, I would wake up next to a woman having had forced her body and blood. I would have no memory of the night prior. My only evidence would be the dead body that would still be wrapped in my arms.

That and a laugh that I had grown to hate only nights after my turning.

"I'm not buying that, Eric. I know you are a big, bad vampire and all but I am not buying that you are capable of that. You were almost torn just as much as I was over Bill's crime. You would not have reacted like that if you had been guilty of it yourself.

"I did not say the experience was my choice."

"But then why else," she started before letting out a hiss. "Your maker." My silence is her answer. My maker was a cruel one. I had promised myself to be nothing like him. Yet another promise I broke this past week with my cruelty to Pam.

"That is not something to discuss right now."

"It is if it explains how you've been acting this week."

"Not now," I say between grit teeth. Sookie looks hard at my face for a few seconds before giving a resigned nod. However, the resignation soon turns to anger as she says, "Do you realize that all this could be avoided if you had simply talked to me? Talked to Pam? Hell, Clancy could have probably even told you. I get that you thought you did something horrible to me. I get that what you thought happened was eating you up inside. I get that is the reason you have been a jackass all week."

She is right of course. I was a coward, afraid of my own pain. That is why I did not want Pam able to talk about what I thought had happened that night. It is for that reason I say the following words, words that I have rarely said because I have rarely, truly felt them, "I am sorry, Sookie. I am so, incredibly sorry."

"I know you are," she tells me before leaning over and giving me a quick, chaste kiss on the lips. At that moment, fireworks erupt in the night sky causing both Sookie and I to look away from each other and focus on them for a few seconds, before turning and facing each other again. "I know you are, Eric. But that doesn't make it all right. That doesn't make it ok."

"Please, Sookie," I tell her hating the pleading tone in my voice, hating that it has come to this. "I understand this will be tough. I understand that I have a lot to earn back, but for the first time in almost a thousand years I want to. Do not let a miscommunication come between us. Not for good."

She takes a step back before yelling out, "A miscommunication, Eric? A miscommunication? This was no miscommunication. This was a no communication. You could have spoken with Pam. She would have told you the truth about what happened. You could have allowed her to talk to me, so I could've knocked some sense into your thick skull long before tonight. Or, and here's where it gets very difficult so pay attention. You could've talked to me."

Her words leave me with little hope. She is right of course. Absolutely right. The thought that I ruined this starts swirling in my mind. Something so simple could have saved us all this pain, all this torture. My mind feels like it is moving at a thousand miles per second when again Sookie's soft voice pulls me out of it. "Eric," she says getting my attention. "You said you wanted to break the bond because you thought it would help with my pain. Is that really why?"

I have a few ways I could answer that question, most of which would involve a lie of some size. I am good at lying when I need or want to. However, looking into Sookie's eyes, I find I do not want to lie to her and I am hoping I do not have to lie to her. Looking into her eyes, I decide to tell her the truth. "I did not lie when I said that to you," I start to explain to her. "I believed I forced you to make the bond stronger, especially seeing the scars on your wrist." I motion to the wrist she had been absently rubbing on and off through the whole conversation. "I would have healed those."

"I didn't want you to," she tells me looking down at them before looking back up at me. "I wanted to remember."

I swallow down whatever it is I am feeling when I hear her say that. I need to finish my explanation. Judging by the look she is giving me, a lot is riding on it. "I would be lying though if I said that was my only motivation. It was killing me feeling your pain. It was a constant reminder to what I thought I did to you. I thought that I had forced you and that was causing your pain. Every time I felt it, it seemed like I was being cut up. As much as I wanted your pain to end, I wanted mine to end too."

I stare at her, as she appears to be considering my answer. I give her time to do so, thinking she will get angry for my selfishness, but instead I see a very small smile appear on her face. "That, Eric, what you just did. That's communicating. If this is ever," she pauses and says, "Was ever, is ever, oh whatever," before continuing, "Going to work, you have to be able to do that."

"And if I promise to be a good boy and keep practicing, does that mean I can see you tomorrow night?"

I looks at me and shakes her head no. "I need time, Eric," she tells me. "I'm still hurt."

"But I explained, I apologized," I tell her.

I start but she shakes her head again. "I know, Eric. But that doesn't make the pain go away. It only makes me understand why I am in it. I am still hurting here, Eric. I hurt for what I am going through, for what we are going through. I hurt because of how broken we both are. I hurt because of my fear that we won't be able to be fixed. And though I don't have the right to be, I am hurt that you slept with that Fangbanger."

"I did not," I say remembering Pam's warning. I do not want Sookie to believe something happened when it did not.

"Eric, I'm not stupid."

"I know you are not. Pam was worried about the fact that I had not fed in the last week. Her worrying and pushing had me lashing out. I took the girl back to feed with every intention of fucking her too hoping that if I felt nothing towards her, it would help with the pain I was feeling. After a few sips, I realized just the opposite. It increased the pain. I healed her and sent her on her way not doing anything else with her."

Sookie looks at me and I can see the conflict in her eyes, as she seems to think over if she believes me or not. "Thanks for explaining that to me," she says to me quietly. "It helps to know that." She pauses before saying, "But it's too much right now. Can you understand, Eric? Can you give me time?"

It is the least I can do, the very least. I simply nod and enjoy the smile that enters her face at my answer. After saying a simple, "Thank-you," she turns and starts to walk away.

"Sookie," I call after her. She turns around and I say, "Happy New Year. I hope the start to this one is better than the finish of the last one."

She nods and says, "Happy New Year, Eric. I hope this year brings us both the comfort we sorely need."

"Sookie," I call again before she can turn around. "How will I know when you have had enough time?"

She looks at me with a hard gaze and tells me with a bit of a half smile, "You'll know, Eric. I'll make sure you know."

I nod to her before she turns and walks off of the clearing. I would offer to fly or at least walk her to her car but that would not be giving the time she asked for. I do however, fly above her until she makes it home okay. The, "Goodnight," she says quietly to the sky leads me to believe I was not as stealthy as I thought.

**Hello again my favorite readers both new and not new. I am sorry this wasn't up over the weekend but wanted to do some editing so this chapter didn't really end on a cliffhanger, as I doubt I will be able to update this weekend. My frustrating brother, who waited months to see a doctor, needs to have surgery this week due to said wait. Oh men. What to do with them?**

**So a few of you did manage to piece together what was going on with Eric. I hope this chapter cleared a little more up though there is still a bit more to it as was alluded to in this chapter. Again, not to say the rest of the story is angst free, but we have reached the worst of it. **

**Thanks to the readers and those who are taking the time to review. A special thanks to the guest reviewers that I cannot personally respond to. I really appreciate it.**


	8. You Get What You Give

_But when the night is falling_

_And you cannot find the light_

_If you feel your dream is dying_

_Hold tight – New Radicals_

**Sookie POV**

During my walk back to the car after I had left Eric, I have no idea I am being followed. It was really foolish of me, but I had brought my shields up when talking to Eric. I figured we were safe enough with his vampire abilities. That and I had enough thoughts in my head while I was talking to Eric and everything was starting to become a little clearer.

Or even more confusing. Depends on ho I look at it

It's when I get to the car that I start having a feeling that I am being watched. It's not an overly dangerous feeling, quite the opposite actually. It actually makes feel safe, guarded. That feeling however, doesn't keep me from hurrying into my car and quickly closing and locking the door, for whatever good that will do against the things that go bump in the night.

It isn't until I am about halfway home that I realize my shields are still up. I realize that if I lower them, I may be able to find out who was watching me as I walked back to my car. Who that I feel is still watching me. I'm still not nervous thought because just like I have the feeling that someone is following me, a similar feeling is telling me that it's Eric.

And after the conversation we just had, however misguided I may be, I am back to believing that Eric would never intentionally hurt me. It just sucks that he seems to be doing a great job of hurting me unintentionally. But hopefully, that ship has sailed or is at least preparing to set sail.

One can hope.

As I drop my shields, I am not really shocked to feel there is a void following me. I am also not surprised when I actually sense the void above me, rather than behind me or next to me. Here's to hoping Eric is still the only flying vampire in the area.

I smile as I turn onto Hummingbird Lane. This is something that I would think Eric would do, follow me home to make sure I got here safely. The conversation I just had with him didn't cover everything, there is so much more that we need to talk about, but maybe it could be a start, a new start. One that I think we both need. One that I am hoping we both want.

I get out of the car and whisper, "Goodnight," but I know he can hear it. I want him to understand I know he followed me. I gaze up at the sky for a few seconds where for some reason I don't understand, I know Eric is. I don't see him, and I have my shields back in place, but I know he is there. After I minute or so I turn and then start to make my way into my house.

I drop my bag and keys on the floor, which is something in the back of my mind I am yelling at myself for as it is something I would not ordinarily do. The front of my mind however, really doesn't care at this point.

I walk into the kitchen and collapse in one of the chairs as I try to wrap my head around the conversation I just had, a conversation where I found out the reason for Eric's behavior for the past week. I had hoped if I found out the reason why, my head would suddenly be clear and everything would magically make sense.

Yeah right. I may be part fairy but my life is anything but a fairy tale and I doubt I will be getting a happy ever after.

If anything I am even more confused. Eric hurt me because he was upset that he hurt me. Try having that thought ten times fast. Then to top it all off, he didn't actually hurt me initially. The pain he thought I felt because of him, wasn't there. Well until he put it there with some words that he hadn't meant the way I took them.

Thinking about all of this makes my head hurt.

I can't believe Eric thought that he had forced me, that what we did was against my will. I know he's a big, bad vampire and he can probably torture like the best of them when the situation calls for it, but that, forcing that on someone? That really just doesn't seem like him.

I don't really know what it is about him that makes me think that he isn't capable of that. If I had to guess it's probably a combination of things. The pain in his eyes while he was helping me with what Bill had done was the number one clue. The pain in his eyes was clear. He was hurt because I was in pain. He was hurt because of what had been done to me.

Why had Eric thought that he had done that, thought that he had assaulted me? He had woken up with me asleep in his arms. Why had his first reaction been to think that was a bad thing? Why was he so sure that I didn't want to be there? Why did he seem so positive that he had taken away my decision with both the bond and sleeping with him?

It just didn't make any sense. And neither did his simple sounding explanation of, 'Experience.' Though I have a feeling that the reasoning is much more complicated than the word suggests. I rack my brain, thinking of all the possibilities that word can hold. What's even more frustrating is the feeling that I have the information already, that I have the pieces of the puzzle and I just have to put them together. Except the picture that I am getting looks like a child's finger painting rather than a clear image that may be able to explain just what is going on in that vampire's blond head.

Ugh I needed something to help me escape my own thoughts. Sleep sure isn't going to come easy tonight so that won't offer me an escape. I look over to the rarely used liquor cabinet, mentally going through its inventory. I have never really been one to drown my sorrows in alcohol. My experiences with Hadley before she ran off taught me that trying to drink your problems away rarely actually works. In fact, it usually does quite the opposite and makes them worse.

And that's the last fucking thing I need right now.

So alcohol was out. But I was feeling antsy with my thoughts. I had spent the last few weeks learning that I shouldn't keep things in. Talking to someone more than often helped and I put my head in my hands when I realized that was what I need right now. I need to simply talk to someone, but the someone I would most like to talk to, is the one person I can't call, not about this.

My other list of options was short. The few friends tat I could call were out simply because in explaining the situation, I would have to leave a great deal out which would kind of defeat the purpose of talking it out. I was not calling the helpful yet blunt, tiny doctor. I had enough harshness floating around in my head right now. I don't need any more at this point. I just need someone to listen and possibly even respond. No analyzing tonight.

I pick up my head and look out the window. It was still a bit off from morning so I decide to call Pam. I pull her up in my contacts and am met with a tiny little pictures of Pam baring her fangs and one of my shirts I haven't seen in a while. Must have been one of the ones she kept at her place in case I ever should need emergency clothing.

I only know when she picks up the phone because the ringing stops. Into the silence I say, "Hello, Pam."

"Oh good. You're still communicating with me," she says, her sarcasm filled voice bringing a smile to my face. This is what I need right now. "Sookie I understand needing time from my imbecile of a maker, but if you think you can get rid of me that easily, you really don't know me."

I let out a short laugh and tell her, "No Pam. I know getting rid of you would be harder than that. You have kind of grown on me. Like a mold or a fungus."

"I prefer like a well-fitted designer gown. Or a good pair of heels."

"Of course you would," I tell her not able to keep the bit of giggle out of my voice. And this is why I called Pam instead of Ludwig. Though I know Pam will get me talking eventually, I could laugh while I do so. Not always true with the good doctor. No usually talking with her led to crying. Good, working through stuff crying, but crying none the less.

"Well, while you take some of that time you asked for, which you have earned by the way, I can teach you another way of communicating I like to use. It's called body language."

"I think we may need a translator for that, Pam," I tell her with a smile on my face. "We don't really speak the same kind of language for that."

"I speak many languages, Sookie. I am sure we could fine one that could work."

"I am still not convinced, Pam"

She lets out an exaggerated sigh before saying, "Well, if you should ever change your mind."

"The translator will let you know," I tell her and she lets out her own little laugh. She then stays quiet for a time, which is not unusual with a conversation like this. Pam will stay quiet multiple times giving me opportunities to bring up what I really need to talk about.

Suddenly it dawns on me that Pam may not have been the best person to call. She may not be able to talk about it at all. I suppose she had talked to him with the comments she made regarding time and communication but does that mean he lifted his command? "Are you free to talk, Pam."

"The command has been lifted, Sookie." And that's all I need to hear for the minute. Even knowing she has talked to him and probably knows what I am telling her already, I tell her what I had learned from my conversation from Eric. "This could all have been avoided if he had simply talked to someone, Pam. Anyone really."

"Would that have really helped the situation, Sookie?"

"It sure as hell wouldn't have hurt it," I bite back at her. Usually our conversations go differently than this. What point is she trying to make?

"Yes, Sookie, I know," she says, keeping her voice rather steady. "Eric could have woken up and for a few seconds have been the happiest little vampire on Earth. Then realizing he wasn't dreaming, the panic sets in and instead of flipping out, he's open to discussing it. He doesn't command me not to speak of it because he can't stand to face what he thinks he did. I tell him what really happens with you and he skips back to bed and lifts you back into his arms and we all live happily ever after."

"He wouldn't skip," I grumble out starting to see her point in all of this.

"Yes because that's the point of the story that needs our attention." Pam pauses before saying, "If it happened like that, yes Sookie our past week may have been a lot better, but what would that have helped."

"It wouldn't be so hard, Pam," I say hearing my voice start to waver.

"But would it really have changed anything? Would it have changed his initial reaction?"

She's sort of right and I sort of hate her for it. If he had talked about it with anyone it still wouldn't have changed that his initial reaction is that he had forced me. That would still be what he thought when he woke up and realized it wasn't some crazy vampire dream. That was real the issue. Everything else was important and would need to be dealt with, but it was secondary.

"Why, Pam? Why would he think that?"

"That's something you'll have to talk about with him, Sookie. It's his story to tell."

"I imagine it has to do with his maker. Pam, he shut down when I mentioned it tonight. He's not ready to talk about it."

"Were you ready, Sookie? Were you ready to talk about your past?"

"No."

"Did that mean you didn't need to talk about it? You had to be ready. You had to except that what you thought had helped you move on didn't work as well as it could have. It needed to be on your terms.

I take a minute and think about the words Pam are saying. I know there is so much more to what she is saying but she has given me more puzzle pieces. Still finger painting to me though. She's given me more to think about but I also know she won't be telling me much else. Because she is right. Eric has to be the one that tells me.

I know I won't be getting anything else out of her, but I need to know one more thing. I hesitate before asking, "How is he, Pam?"

"Moping and frustrated," is her blunt reply.

"Pam," I say simply knowing full well that she is aware that it not what I am looking for.

"Well, right now he's in his office waiting impatiently for me to get off the phone so he can ask me the same question about you."

Though I'll admit that comment leaves me a bit happy, it's also not what I'm looking for. "Pam, please," I say hoping she can hear from my tone just how much I need to know the answer to my question.

She's quiet for a few seconds before saying gently, "How do you think he is, Sookie. He now knows that all the pain he caused you, all the hurt that the both of you are in, was completely unnecessary. He's dealing with the fact that every decision he made this last week hurt everyone more and more which is what he was trying to avoid this whole time."

"I don't want him to be hurting, Pam," I tell her in a quiet voice. And it is the truth. Yes, Eric needs to know that this week could and should have gone drastically differently. I know that Eric needs to work on things. I know I need to work on things. I know there are things we need to work on together.

That doesn't mean I want him to hurt like I have been hurting the last week.

"And he didn't want you hurting, Sookie," Pam says softly. "That didn't stop you from doing so." She hesitates before saying, "Sookie you didn't outright say you are done with him. He wants to work on things with you and it seems you want to work on things with him. That's something, Sookie. That's a big something you both need to hold onto right now."

"He'll be okay, won't he Pam?"

"The same as you will be Sookie." That gives me a little relief. Pam and I say goodnight soon after that. I let out a little cheer as I yawn as I head up to bed. Maybe I will get to sleep tonight after all.

Sleep doesn't evade me all night. As a matter of fact I am asleep soon after me head hits the pillow. My last thought is for a dream free sleep.

**Eric POV**

I should be feeling like a huge weight is off my shoulders. At this point, I should be able to ignore the werewolf fallout from what Charles did to his pack. I should be able to put the drama with between my Queen and Threadgill out of my mind and just feel free.

For the night. For an hour. Hell, at this point I will settle for minutes.

But I cannot even find a few seconds of the lightweight feeling I am longing for. The feeling that I have heard of but seem to have been searching for all my life both human and vampire.

I thought that I had done something horrible, something unforgiveable. Sookie had already been through so much in her short time alive. And I was so sure I had added to her pain, so sure I had made it worse by forcing myself on her. Not even in just one way but two.

When I woke up and realized it was not just some happy dream, I felt, well I have heard humans say that feeling of their heart dropping and that describes how I felt. This useless organ sitting in my chest, felt like it had dropped to my stomach. It fell further down when I saw the fresh fang marks on her wrist and I felt confusion of why I had picked there.

There are much easier spots when you are holding someone down. I cringe as that thought runs through my mind. Memories threaten to surface but I force them back down.

My present right now offers more than enough pain. I do not need past pain as well.

This last week, I have felt Sookie has slipped from my grasp. Not in a possessive way like she is mine to have and control. What has slipped through my grasp is the possibility of being with her, the possibility of all that came with it. And to learn that I had it, I had it and through it all away with my own stupidity and stubbornness, well for that, I have no words.

I should have listened to the words spoken to me long ago, to the lessons that I had started to hope were not true. Sookie was starting to give me the hope that maybe they were not true, not for me.

And I had thrown it all away.

But she asked for time. Surely this meant there was still a chance. She did not outright say she was done. That's what I need to hold on to. That is the thought that will get me through this time she asked for.

I land in the back of Fangtasia, and head straight into my office calling to Pam to meet me there. As soon as the door closes behind her, I pray to whatever god will listen to a vampire that she does not push this, that as much as I deserve it, she lets it go. I do not know if I can handle more tonight.

She must realize it because as I apologize to her, she keeps the sarcasm to a minimum. I lift my command, apologizing once more for my lack of trust in her and for treating her the way that I did. I know the simple words mean little, but I hope to prove through action that I am sorry as well.

She wants to start with a pair of shoes she has had her eye on.

After, my apology and shoe negotiation, Pam surprises me again by coming over and placing a kiss on my forehead. "It will all be okay," she says switching back to my first language for I can only imagine the reason is comfort.

"I hope," I respond. She gives me another kiss, on the cheek this time, before making her way back out to the bar area. Tonight is not a good night for me to be out amongst the humans, even if it is New Years. We are only open another hour or so anyway.

I spend my time doing inventory for the bar. Usually, this is not something that I oversee unless there are issues, but it is just what I need tonight, something mundane and repetitive. Just before the bar should be closing, I hear Pam making her way to her office taking a phone call. I freeze for a split second realizing it is Sookie, before heading to her office myself.

I go in without knocking and am met with a stern face from Pam as she discusses something about dresses and shoes with Sookie. She gives me a look and points at her door telling me not so subtly to leave. She nods when I ask quietly if Sookie is okay, so I do head out hoping to be able to hear part of the conversation through the door.

Apparently, that is not even good enough for my child, as she opens the door and points further down the hallway. For a second I think about staying and standing my ground, but my thoughts stop me. If Sookie called Pam, she probably needs to talk and I promised to give her time. Me standing here, trying to listen to her conversation is not giving her time. I may as well start practicing now.

I sit back at my desk and think about what they could be talking about. Sookie had to be fine or Pam would have let me know if there were any issues. It is actually a good thing she called Pam. That would mean she is talking and it is good she has learned how important that is.

I make sure the closing of the bar is under control before heading back to complete inventory, trying not to think about what the two women in my life could be talking about. Pam comes in a little later with her hand up which tells me I will not be getting anything out of her. As mad as that makes me, I am happy Sookie has her confidence.

Before I can make sure everything was okay with Sookie, my phone rings and I internally groan as the ringer set to warn me when Sophie-Anne calls. The ringer was only for her direct line and when she calls on that, it is never a good thing.

"Good evening, my Queen," I say. Best to be polite at first until I can determine what she wants and what mood she is in.

"Sherriff," is her simple response, also not a good sign. She's reminding me of my place instead of addressing me by name. It is either because she cannot guarantee our conversation is not being overheard or she knows I am not going to like what she is going to say.

With the way my luck is going, it is probably both.

"There are reports coming in all over the state that multiple past associates of Threadgill have entered Louisiana. Andre has also been getting information that shows there a higher number of vampires than usual who want to register in our great state."

Fuck. Past associates of Threadgill would have been bad enough. Expected and we could work around them, but the threat that poses cannot be ignored. Having people reporting back to Threadgill information about our state would not be good in our current situation.

But if these vampires that are coming into the state and looking for permanent residence were any of Threadgill's people, the threat was bigger than we thought. These were people that could potentially sabotage things in our state. These were people who if it came down to a fight, could hurt us from our own side.

These were vampires we could not have in our state.

Pam, being able to hear the conversation has already started going through the paperwork on my desk, selecting out the ones looking to register in Area 5. I opened up my email and see double the amount of requests as usual for the week. The stack of papers in Pam's hand was triple the size.

And just three days ago there was none.

"Shit," I say into the phone.

"Finally, we agree on something, Northman."

"Can we simply deny the requests? The spies will be hard enough to work with."

"All of them can't be denied. I will have to deny most that want to come in to New Orleans and that won't seem to out of the ordinary it being where my compound is. We can't afford to have Area 1 be so unsecure." She is right. If New Orleans falls, the rest of the state will most likely follow soon after. We Sheriffs would do our best to hold the state but is the forces our large enough to take out the Queen, the rest of us will not stand much of a chance.

"Forty," I say thinking out the number in my head. "We can all turn down around forty percent of the vampires asking to stay in our Areas without it being too obvious. The more populated Areas of 1 and 3 could turn down thirty and blame over population."

"That's what we came up with here too," she tells me. But that was no answer, not really. That would be putting the most of these new vampires in our weaker Areas of 2 and 4. My Area of 5 had a decent population but I had brought in strong vampires that I trusted when I took the Sheriff position. That allowed me to be able to be a bit pickier about the vampires who moved into my Area.

Hell, if Compton had not have been a member of the Queen's court he would not have been allowed to stay in Area 5, which may have been better for Sookie as she has suffered a great deal since Bill walked into her bar.

Pam's hands snap in front of my face. I snarl at her and realize the Queen is speaking to me and I missed some of what she was saying. I shake my head and get myself back into the conversation with Sophie-Anne in time to hear her say Sookie's name and about how she will be helpful through all of this. "She cannot hear vampires," I remind Sophie-Anne. My words cause Pam to put her head in her hands. That is not a good sign.

"The reported spies Threadgill is bringing into the states are Weres, Eric. As I just said." I close my eyes knowing that I had missed an important part of the conversation. "Put your child on the damn phone. I was told that whatever the fucking witch had done to your brain had been undone."

"No need to speak with Pam," I explain to her, hoping she'll believe me. I'm honestly the best strategist she has outside her own court and this would be that much harder if she was second-guessing me. "I was merely thinking aloud. Sookie cannot hear vampires and she barely can get anything from Weres. I do not think she will be much help against the Supes Threadgill has in his retinue."

Sophie-Anne is quiet for a second saying, "Well, your ability to think on your feet has certainly returned. We can't afford to have any mess ups here, Eric. Peter is someone who can and will take full advantage if he smells any sign of weakness."

"Then it is a good thing we are not weak right now, isn't it?"

"The telepath is needed Eric."

I do not want that. I do not want to put her in this type of danger. Sookie is not exactly fragile but she is breakable. She is human. Even the little bit of fairy on the side she is will not protect her from a vampire war over territory. And we still did not even know what Threadgill even wanted from the state. There has to be something.

"She will probably not be able to get much," I try all the while knowing that that as much as I want to keep Sookie out of this, my hands will be tied to an extent.

"I will not risk this state on a probably," Sophie-Anne says. "She will be at your bar seeing what she can get. We will start with that. I may need her to come and read the humans here to make sure none of them were planted."

I grit my teeth, knowing that this fact could no longer be argued. Sookie has been in danger ever since the Queen took in her cousin Hadley. The best I can do right now, is make sure she is as safe as she can be, even if it kills me. And I feel it just may as I relax my jaw and say, "Of course."

Sophie-Anne then hangs up after telling me she will keep me updated as she hears more. She is leaving it up to me to tell the other Sheriffs. I delegate that task to Pam as I start to work through the paperwork of some of the new applicants for my spot of Louisiana.

"You need to tell her what the Queen expects from her and what the consequences could be," Pam says after she has sent texts to the other Sheriffs. My phone goes off as she forwards the replies to me.

"She wanted time, Pam. She asked for it just this evening. I will give her as much as I can."

"You said she also told you to work on communicating. Don't you think this is something that should be communicated to her?"

"And I will talk to her about this in a couple of days. I will have to sort through the requests and meet with them over the next few days. I do not want her here as I am meeting with them. I will tell her everything after."

Pam takes a look at my face and must recognize how resigned I am about this because she nods and leaves my office. I sit down and put my head in my hands and hoping that I can give Sookie a day or two at least.

**Hello readers. I do hope you enjoyed this chapter as we start to move the plot along a tad. Thanks for giving the story a try. I appreciate all the comments and reviews. Thanks to the guest reviewers that I can't reply to.**


	9. It Doesn't Matter

_It doesn't matter what I want_

_It doesn't matter what I need_

_It doesn't matter if I cry_

_Don't matter if I bleed_

_You've been on a road_

_Don't know where it goes or where it leads – Alison Krauss_

**Pam POV**

I would say that these two would send me to an early grave but there would be two problems with that statement. The first is that I already have a grave, technically two in fact. One of which my family used as a memorial of sorts and the ground that I shared with Eric during my turning. The other issue with that statement is the word early. An early grave for me is about a century too late, give or take a few decades.

Dear Abby isn't even any help at this point. Though her advice and suggestions were useful when Eric was helping Sookie deal with the fallout from the Bill fiasco, he threw all her advice down the fucking toilet when he had his brain aneurysm. Yes, though impossible, that is what I am currently saying is the cause for his general assholiness. Though she has been dabbling in giving advice to vampires and other Supes, I doubt Abby's knowledge covers current issues.

Eric needs to get his head out of whichever ass it's in at this point. I would say it's in his own, but he may have succeeded dislodging it from there when he finally saw the proverbial light and actually had a discussion. Hell, I would have been fine with him having a weird conversation with Thalia last week if it would have knocked some sense into him sooner. That could have been fun to watch. I can picture the stern look and occasional head movement from Thalia paired with Eric's unwillingness to discuss anything.

But his head must have found another place to call home for the time being. And if Eric's not careful, his buried in the sand head is going to get us all finally killed.

Him spacing out on the Queen during their conversation is not a good thing, for so many damn reasons. Ignoring the fact that the Queen will now be watching him, and by extension all of us like a hawk, being a space cadet during the interviews with the prospective new residents could be disastrous. I don't even want to think about what we may take in to the state if he loses it during an interview.

There has been a few times in the past where Eric's behavior has been like this and it has never ended well. I guess the level of wellness can be argued since we are still currently undead instead of being finally dead. It has definitely not been good and something that I will have to keep and eye on. Add to that that I will also be keeping an eye on Sookie, the situation with Sophie-Anne, and the influx into the state and well, I am going to need more eyes.

Eric is not one to space out. He can usually carry on multiple conversations while thinking about different strategies and options in his head. I am not sure what planet he was actually on when speaking with the Queen, but it wasn't here on Earth. He needs to get on a space ship and head back down to Earth. I'm not looking forward to the implosion that could happen if he doesn't and we continue down this path.

**Sookie POV**

I thought nightmares about the current activities in my life would be bad. My brain certainly has a lot to choose from in that aspect. The dreams the first few nights after I stopped taking the pills when dealing with what happened with Bill were bad enough. They had gotten better the more I talked about it so I had hoped that in talking to Pam before going to sleep, they would not be that bad.

I was wrong. I had never thought that good dreams could be the stuff nightmares are made of. What did I know?

I woke up unaware, to a wet pillow. That should have been my first clue. Crying during dreams rarely is a good thing. However, it wasn't until I realized, something lower was also wet, that my dreams came rushing back to me.

I don't see what happened in the dream more as feel it. I close my eyes as hands and lips I have only felt a handful of other times on my body, feel like they're ghosting over it now, being sure to hit certain key areas on my body, areas that they virtually had only one evening to find.

My eyes close as I can feel the ghost kisses to the spot behind my ear that makes me go weak in the knees. Speaking of knees, the memory lips from the dream were there a second later, the spot in the back of them that makes me moan.

I am still caught in the sensory flashback of the dream as I feel the lips start working their way from my knees back up my body, working in tandem with the hands as they trade off on my breasts in their travels. It's when the phantom lips touch mine and I can feel something sink so slowly yet so deliciously into me, that I have to slam my eyes open to make sure that I am completely alone.

It's also the feeling that sends me off balance, crashing into the dresser, which seems to manage what my mind could not – I'm now clear of whatever leftover sensations I am feeling from the dream. In one way that is a good thing, I suppose. It does bring me into the 'now' however, which at the moment, is well, messy.

Tears have been rolling down my face again, as the feelings I had felt overwhelmed me. They have mixed with whatever has been pouring out of my nose as well as I have been sobbing. I'm in pain as I push away from the dresser that happened to break my fall against the wall. I move into the bathroom and lift my hands to lift my shirt to look at the damage. It's then I realize that I had held my hands in fists so tightly, that in some small spots I have drawn blood. And my back is definitely going to bruise.

Fantastic.

I force myself into the shower and simply stand under the water with my head against the wall to attempt to get my mind off this dream. I take several deep breaths, trying not to think of the person who taught me just how helpful they truly are. I quickly get clean trying not to think anymore about the dream. Of course, that still leaves me with so much to consider at the moment, such as the conversation we had last night.

There is still so much we need to discuss, so much to talk over and try to figure out. We didn't even discuss the main topic that led us to the conversation, which was Eric's note that he wanted to break the bond. That kind of got pushed to sidelines with the news that Eric had no memory of his time under the curse and with what he thought happened.

Though the tiny smile that I feel start on my face these thoughts, is the first bright spot of the morning. Because these are things I want to talk about. I still want to have these important conversations.

I hope that Eric does too.

I get out of the shower after getting all squeaky clean and get dressed for work. I look at my arm as it comes through the sleeve of my shirt. My eyes fall to the two pink dots on my wrist. These little spots have been one of the things getting me through the last week. I could look at them and remember that night. Remember how gentle and reassuring, Eric was with me. Remember the emotion I saw in his eyes that night, instead on the coldness I have seen there since. Even, last night they were guarded in a way they never were with me.

I didn't like it.

The marks don't feel right now though not when Eric can't remember how he gave them to me, what was shared while he gave them to me. It is for this reason, that I cover them up for the first time with a bracelet and make my way out of the house.

I drive down my driveway amazed that I don't have to move around the largest potholes. Paving the driveway had been yet another improvement Eric had made on my house, though I will admit that I didn't even realize this till a few days ago.

I've had just a little bit on my mind.

I get into work for the day shift. I am still not working nights, in hopes of a better chance of avoiding Bill. I am not usually one to run from my problems. In fact, I have been accused of just the opposite but I have learned that making smart decisions is not always running away. It isn't a good idea for me to see Bill right now for so many reasons. I am not naïve enough to think that with all the ways our lives intersect I can avoid him forever. But I know that now is not the best time for a reunion. And making the decision to not see him can actually be a strength rather than a weakness.

And it only too a few tantrums where I admit to throwing things in the general direction of the tiny, candid doctor for me to figure it out.

So for now, I am not seeing Bill simply because I don't want to see Bill. Of course, I should know by now that things are never that simple. My wants haven't really been met recently. Why start now?

I am on my way back to the dining area from putting my things in the back, when Sam calls out to me from his office, asking if he can speak to me. Backpedaling, I head into his office wondering about what he needs me to talk about, especially when I see the hesitant look combined with a grimace on his face. A chill runs up my spine as he says, "Compton was here looking for you last night."

Sam was never told absolutely everything that happened a few weeks ago but he was told enough and from the pity looks he's been giving me, he's guessed pretty accurately at the rest. He knows that Bill had hurt me. He knows it was bad enough that I don't want to see him right now. He didn't hesitate to give me days only when I said I couldn't work nights, the evening Bill came into the bar.

I feel arms around my back and I quickly try to shake them off. They let go almost immediately and I hear footsteps back away. I realize my eyes are closed but don't remember shutting them. I count to ten in my head and swallow before I can open my eyes.

Sam has retreated into a corner and is just watching. He seems to understand that I need space at the moment, need him to stay away. Hell, maybe it's his shifter instincts. Survival 101. Don't go near the shaking, crazy, unpredictable person.

And I was just thinking about how proud I was at some of the progress I have made.

I close my eyes and think for a few seconds why Bill could have possibly been looking for me. I have said everything I wanted to say to him. Okay, maybe not exactly what I wanted to say, as there were a few choice words I would have loved to say to him.

And I hope to God he told me everything he should have because if that was what he felt he could be honest with me about, when caught and pressed of course, I would hate to think about what he could still be keeping from me.

Opening my eyes, I look at Sam and ask, "What did he want?"

"I don't know. He said he needed to talk to you, needed to make sure you knew."

"Oh I know plenty," I mutter under my breath.

"Of course you do. Especially with whatever you have going on with Northman right," he asks and it doesn't take any supernatural abilities to her the bitterness in his voice at his words. I do hope his abilities miss the tension I feel fill my body at his words though.

That is something that I don't even know what's going on with at the moment. And I didn't realize that Sam knew there was anything to be confused about. The confusion must show on my face because Sam shrugs and says softly, "Your scent changed. I can smell that you have had his blood." He looks a bit sheepish as he tells me this. "Plus, those bites on your wrist. They're usually uncovered and your usually running your other hand over them."

Pam had warned me that other vampires would have been able to smell that I have had Eric's blood. I didn't even think that it would extend to other supernaturals as well.

Fabulous.

"Did Bill give you any idea of what he was trying to tell me," I ask quickly changing the subject. I don't even understand what's going on with Eric and me at the moment. How can I start to explain our situation to someone else?

"No," Sam said shaking his head, but with the look on his face, I know there is more to the story.

"Sam."

He sighs and says, "He truly didn't say, Sook."

"But you have an idea."

He lets out another sigh and runs his fingers through his hair. "He seemed concerned, Sookie. It's a pretty big coincidence that he come in here, seemingly concerned for you when there has been an influx of Weres in the state."

My eyes narrow as I ask, "What?" The last time Weres had entered the state, it didn't really go that well. Sam explains that though he doesn't really know too much, more Weres have been checking in with the pack masters around the states. "We are trying to communicate more, the Supes in the area," he tells me.

Hmm. Must be a common theme this week.

The rest of my shift goes off without any big surprises. We get a bit of a rush at lunch, but the majority of the afternoon is slow. I realize that not working nights is killing me tip wise. I quickly say a prayer that nothing will need to be repaired this month as I say goodbye to everyone and head home, giving me enough time to be safely in my house before nightfall. Bill has not come to my house that I know of but once I'm in, I'm in for the night.

As I pull down the drive I see a bouquet of flowers on the porch. My eyes narrow as I walk up the steps as I see a note attached and recognize the handwriting of Eric. I really can't believe he sent me another damned note. I have half a mind to start a fire on this cool night and simply burn it.

But of course the curiosity in me wins. I open the note quickly skimming through it. I then read it taking my time. Then, I look at it one more time reading it slowly. A small smile appears on my face as I head inside to start my dinner.

**Eric POV**

I slept at the bar last night, not even bothering to go home. Going through the paperwork was a nightmare, but I at least have a good idea at this point on who I will allow in my Area and who will be turned down. Tonight, I will have to cross reference with some of the other Sheriffs to ensure we are not letting in large nests who may be looking for approval in different Areas to try and escape us realizing it.

I may have to have Pam check I with a few of the other Sheriffs. It all depends on what news Octavia and her apprentice has about the curse the bitch of a wolf put on me. She has been looking into why I am still missing memories after the curse has seemingly been broken.

At this point, I do not need to know the 'what' or the 'why' of it. I just want my memories back. I was not sure about that fact before. My thoughts of what I had done to Sookie were bad enough. I did not need the memories of what I had actually done to her.

Or so I thought.

Now, I want nothing more. I want to remember the night we shared, how we grew together in order to share it. The memories of the last week, of how I fucked everything up, those were the memories I wish I could wipe from my mind. When I look back on what I said, on what I did, while not knowing the truth I imagine how the situation looked to Sookie and I cannot understand why I did not find a wooden stake buried deep in my chest at any point.

Of course, Pam may have beaten her to it. She too would have had a perfect enough reason. I myself may beat her to it at this point.

If Sookie is still not working evenings, which I hope she is not, she should have been home by now meaning she has gotten the note I sent her. I worry that my last minute decision before sunrise this morning may not have been a good one. I was torn between giving her the space and time she desires and keeping her informed. I hope that what I see as a medium grounds of sorts, she will too.

I hear a knock at the door to my office and I internally cringe, knowing it is my child. She does not even enter, until I acknowledge her. Some would see this as she is just giving me the respect that I am due as her maker. I know the real reason is nothing of the sort.

Pam rarely even knocks at my door let alone wait for me to tell her she can enter. The only reason she does is when one of my superiors is at the bar. And judging from the emotion that if I did not know any better I would call glee coming from her, Octavia is here and she brought her apprentice with her.

Who is someone who is lucky her head is still firmly attached to her shoulders as I find her loud and frustrating.

But as neither of the witches is higher than me in the vampire hierarchy that is not the reason why Pam is knocking and still has not entered my office. Things are not good between us right now, which lies solely on my shoulders.

The three finally enter when I acknowledge the knock at my door and I cannot help but feel a small amount of happiness as Pam closes the door as she in inside my office. My happiness is when I think she may want to hear what the witches have to say because she is worried for me. The happiness fades however, when I see her have eyes only for the younger witch. Which gives me yet another reason to separate her head from her shoulders while giving me one not to at the same time, if she truly holds the attentions of my child. Which seems it could be the case, as the loud witch's eyes have not left my child's either.

Decisions, decisions.

"Any news," I ask Octavia breaking the silence in the room.

"Actually," she says causing me to look at her rather than the googly eyes Pam and Amelia have been shooting each other from across the room. "Amelia may have come up with something."

Great. Now my attention is back on the annoying one.

"Well," I say maybe a tad impatiently. Maybe a little more than a tad as the apprentice jumps up when I address her.

"I think we are looking at the wrong type of spells," she starts with a shaky voice. "I don't think the actual main purpose of the spell was the initial memory loss."

"Was it just a fun side effect then," I ask. Pam's glare at me causes me to bite my tongue before I can say anything else. I wish to get through this conversation before doing any more damage to my relationship with my child.

One can hope.

"No, not a side effect. I think it caused of the bigger picture, or the goal of the spell, like your memory loss set things in motion. I don't think Hallow was the one to break the spell. I also don't think it was a spell that would end with her death."

"She wanted me weak to try and get control of Area 5," I said.

"If that was all she wanted, she could have attacked as soon as she knew the spell had started. She wanted something else. What did the spell accomplish?"

"Pain," I say pushing back from my desk and standing turning from the three women in the room. "It brought pain."

I feel a hand on my shoulder and I bring up my own to lie on top of it not turning around yet. I take a second to collect myself before finally turning, not surprised to find Pam now standing next to me. Thankfully, she is the one who says, "If you're right, what difference does it make? He still needs those memories back."

"It would mean that we are trying to find the wrong spell. We are looking in all the wrong places. This knowledge could direct us to the right spell." Amelia hesitates before continuing, "If the initial memory loss was a trigger than getting back the previous memories may have been triggered by something as well. It may mean that the return of these missing memories may depend on something happening too."

I look to Octavia as ask, "This could be true?"

"I wouldn't have let her tell you if I doubted it. It seems that Hallow not only wanted the state but also wanted you to suffer for standing in her way of taking it."

I need to know something else but do not want to ask it in front of Amelia. I turn to Pam and say, "Take Amelia out to get a drink." I get a smile for my efforts. When they are both out of my office, I turn back to Octavia and ask, "Is it even possible for my memories to return?" It is the uncertainty in my voice I did not want her apprentice to hear.

She looks at me very slowly which worries me that I will not like what she has to say. "With the original loss of memories, you still had your instincts. You were driven to Sookie's location and knew you cared for her. You felt protective over Pam. You listened to your Queen. With the exception of no memory you were still very much you. Do you have any innate feelings or any instincts telling you what happened?"

I feel cold at the thought that even the witch had seen something between Sookie and I. That even with know knowledge of her, I was still drawn to her. I think for a second and hope something flashes in my mind but I shale my head no. "Every instinct I have had about those few days has been wrong."

She does not answer me at first but then says, "Then it will be difficult. With magic, nothing is truly impossible things just may need to be worked around. Then again, there is every chance that everything about this has been triggered by something. It may just be a waiting game."

"I do not like to wait. I like to make things happen."

A smile appears on her face as she says, "I had that feeling about you." She turns and starts to leave, apparently out of things to tell me and I am out of things to ask her. As she gets to the door she turns and says, "You know, even without remembering what happened, that doesn't mean you still can't make things happen."

I think about her words as I take a seat back behind my desk. It may not be what I want to happen right now, but I pick up a stack of paperwork. I text Pam to let her know she is checking in with the Sheriffs of Area's 3 and 4 while I will check in with Andre and Area 2.

Nothing I discuss with Area 2 changes any of the previous decisions I have made about who to deny into Area 5. I am about to call Andre when I hear a knock at my door. I know it is not Pam but I am surprised to see Ginger at my door, surprised that she found it actually. "Master," she says. "There is someone on the phone for you. A Cookie or something."

I am picking up the phone a switching over to the main line as the manicured hand of my child reaches in and grabs Ginger's arm. She pulls her from the room and closes the door.

"Hello," I say simply hoping that this Cookie Ginger was talking about is actually Sookie.

I'm not disappointed as I hear her voice say, "Hey Eric. I got your note."

**Hello there readers. I do hope you enjoyed this installment of Love and Memories. Many thanks for giving this little story a try, especially those letting me know how you feel about it by reviewing.**

**Until the next chapter.**


	10. You Can't Always Get What You Want

_You can't always get what you want_

_You can't always get what you want_

_You can't always get what you want_

_But if you try sometimes well you just might find_

_You get what you need – Rolling Stones_

**Sookie POV**

After I read the note, I probably picked up the phone to call Eric at least a dozen times before I actually called Fangtasia, as the note suggested I should if I was willing to talk to him. Apparently, he has something to tell me. If I would rather not, Pam would be paying me a visit later tomorrow night. I imagine this means that whatever he has to tell me is important. I have to admit that I am a bit nervous to find out what he has to tell me after what his last little delivery told me. This time it's is different though, so I am hoping the information is too. And he didn't actually give me the information in the note so we may be getting somewhere.

Of course, I had to wait until the sun went down, as there would be no point in calling the bar to speak with him with the sun still up. When I realized that, I already had the phone picked up and in my hand, hence the first hang up. So I busied myself making some chicken fried steak and biscuits for dinner.

As the steak was cooking, the sun had set and I had picked up the phone the second time. That was when I realized that I didn't actually have Eric's number. He hadn't put in the cell phone he gave me and I had never asked him for it so I would have to call him at the bar. Since the sun had set mere minutes earlier, I figured I'd have a better chance of actually talking to Eric if I gave him time to get to the bar. He probably hasn't had time to drive there from his house yet. So I hung up the phone for the second time and put the biscuits in the oven.

After dinner, I tried to call a few more times but things kept coming up. Things like, realizing I had to pay a bill, or needing to call Jason, or a hangnail that needed to be filed that I saw as I picked up the phone.

You know, very important things here.

It isn't that I don't want to talk to Eric, at least in theory. Quite the opposite is true actually. All I have wanted was to talk to Eric and figure out what was going on and that hasn't really changed. Now that I know what's going on, most of it at least as I feel there is more to this story, I still want to talk to him so we can figure out where to go from here, if there is anywhere to go from here.

And for us to figure that out, more talking has to happen. I am aware of that. I am just afraid that with talking, we will ruin whatever chances we still have. This whole communication thing hasn't really been working for us too well lately. But I look at the piece of paper that was delivered with the flowers, which have found a home in a vase on my dresser. Eric had tried with the note. He seems to have anyway as it is vastly different than the last note I got from him.

With that in mind, I finally lift up the phone with my freshly manicured hand, I just couldn't stop myself after filing my nail, and dial the number to Fangtasia before I can find another reason to hang up the phone. The phone rings several times before someone answers and says, "Fangtasia, the place to come for a bite."

The tagline more than the voice told me that I was talking to Ginger. "Hi Ginger. It's Sookie. Is Eric around?"

"Yes, the Master is in, but he wouldn't need a cookie. He can't eat it."

"Sookie, Ginger. It's Sookie."

"Ginger cookie? That sounds yummy."

"Just put Eric on the phone," I tell her. I have to tell Eric to stop glamouring her. And she probably shouldn't be the one answering the phones at this point either. Maybe he should keep her away from customers in general.

After a minute or so, he picks up the line, saying hello. If I didn't know any better, I would say he sounds out of breath.

"Hey Eric," I tell him as he picks up the phone. "I got your note." I am met with silence instead of a response from him. "Eric," I call again in question.

"I am here," he says.

I wait but he still doesn't say anything, which isn't really like him. "Thanks for the flowers," I say trying to start a conversation since I really am not sure what Eric wants to tell me.

"You do not sound angry."

"Why would I be angry?"

"The last time I sent Bobby to your house with a note, you were rather upset."

"It was what was on the note that made me upset. Something like that should not be discussed on a piece of paper," I tell him.

There is a hesitation before he tells me softly, "This is a conversation better to be had in person as well."

"Yeah, I kinda figured that with your note," I tell him. "I can come to you if you are busy."

"No," he says quickly and sharply. I have half a second to wonder what he is doing at Fangtasia that he doesn't want me to know about, before he says, "You should not be out alone after dark right now."

My mind goes back to Sam telling me about how Bill had been looking for me the night before. "Eric, what you have to tell me, it's not about Bill is it?"

"What did that little nitwit do now?"

I can't suppress the little giggle that escapes me at Eric's reference to Bill. He referred to him as such in the letter he sent as well, as he reminded me I could call if he made me feel uncomfortable. "He didn't do anything. Not really anyway."

"Did he do nothing, or nothing really?"

I sigh and take a deep breath. There is no point in trying to hide this from Eric. I can't even explain why I hesitated in telling him. I certainly don't want to protect Bill and this could potentially be important information. I tell Eric what I had learned from Sam. When I am done, Eric is quiet for a few seconds before asking, "When did Compton go to the bar."

"Last night," I tell him.

I am met with more silence before I hear shuffling on Eric's end. "Sookie, I am leaving now. Please stay indoors until I get there."

I hear the pleading in his voice. "I will, Eric," I say, trying to calm him down.

"I will be there in ten minutes," he says before hanging up. Yeah, goodbyes are something we have to work on too. Baby steps.

I'm not entirely sure why Eric got so upset at the news that Bill came into Merlotte's. I imagine it has something to do with what he needs to tell me and that thought does nothing to calm me. I look around my house and shiver as chill runs down my spine. I rush to the door and lock it before saying, "Bill Compton, I rescind your invitation," just in case.

**Eric POV**

I decide to fly to Sookie's house rather than drive. Flying will allow me time to email Andre since my phone conversation with him may not be happening tonight. It will also allow me to see more of the state than driving would. Though I do not think there will be much to see going on tonight, I will have to be careful in the next few nights when the out of state vampires come in to interview. And some of them will be staying. Not to mention how the ones who will not be granted leave to stay in the state will react.

And then there are the Weres already here. Both Flood and Tray have assured me they will warn me of those checking in, but I am concerned with the one who will not check in, and those that may not be wolves. Other groups are less organized with fewer laws. They will be in the state relatively unknown.

I purposely spend a few minutes flying over Compton's house. I am not happy that he is still going to Merlotte's even if Sookie is not working nights. I am even less happy that he went there specifically asking about her, concerned and needing to tell her something. The timing of his appearance after staying away from Merlotte's for a few nights is questionable. I am hoping it is nothing more than a coincidence that his reappearance matches up with the news of the unknown Supes in the state. Being out of the Queen's court and on the 'outs' with the Queen herself, he should have no knowledge of this situation yet. The other Sheriffs and myself are going to tell our Areas tomorrow night after we have decided on who we are allowing into the state. Only those higher up in the state's hierarchy should be aware at this point. And last I checked, that did not include Bill Compton

But he seemingly wanted to warn Sookie about something. If it is about this, I have to know what he knows and how he knows it. I know after speaking to the dog after the other night, there has been discussion about the incoming Weres in the Area. Compton seemed to be a little more informed than the average Were though, and he is not one that they usually talk to willingly. So the question remains, how does he seem to know so much? Is he back in the Queen's good graces?

Of course there is every opportunity that this is just a coincidence and Bill did have something else to talk to Sookie about. That scenario would have it's own set of consequences. Either way, he will have to be watched.

Once I am sure Compton is in his house, which I can see from the window, I finally make my way to Sookie's house. Compton is on the computer, no doubt working on that damn database. That thing is a ticking time bomb and I hate to think of the disastrous consequences should some Supe become aware of it's existence.

I land in Sookie's front yard and slowly make my way up her porch steps before gently knocking at her door. Though I am grateful she agreed to see me tonight, I wish it were under different circumstances. Much more fun circumstances. At this rate, I will be lucky if she invites me into her house with the way things are still so unsettled between us. I have no idea if my invitation has actually been rescinded but I still will not enter without an invitation. When she answers the door with a blanket around her shoulders, my hopes are dashed, as it appears she wants to have this conversation out on the porch with her blanket to keep her warm. She surprises me though by moving to the side of the doorway and asking me into her house.

However, as I move into the house, I see that a bracelet is now adorning her wrist in which I had left my marks. Those marks had been the bane of my existence when I thought I had forced their presence. Upon hearing that I had not forced them and additionally Sookie was the one who wanted them, I was left with a warm feeling I did not fully understand.

But seeing them covered up, that warm feeling is turning into a fiery inferno that feels like it's burning me from the inside out.

"I'm sorry it's a little chilly," she says before letting out a bit of a giggle. "Though I suppose you don't feel it too much," she adds on.

I swallow back the pain and look away from her wrist as I ask, "Is everything okay?" I am concerned why her house is cold.

"Yes. The furnace just wouldn't turn on tonight so the heat isn't working. Terry is coming over to look at it tomorrow." I gesture to the fireplace but before I can get out a question she says, "Jason has some logs for me but he hasn't had time to chop them into usable pieces yet."

I hold back my thoughts on how Stackhouse should make his sister a priority and instead ask, "Do you have an axe?"

She looks shocked at my question and tells me, "Oh, Eric. You don't need to. Besides, you said you have to tell me something."

"It can wait five minutes and I would not be able to concentrate knowing you are not comfortable, knowing you are cold." She looks at me for a few seconds before explaining the axe is in a garden shed out back and the logs should be back there as well.

As I told her, it did not even take me five minutes to chop up the logs into wood that would be a size she could use. I am almost upset when I am done. I could have used a little more time to work out some frustrations. Maybe a sparring match with Pam is in order.

I stack up most of the wood up against a side of the shed and take a good amount into my arms and head back up to the house. Upon entering, the living room is empty, but I can hear Sookie in the kitchen. I stack the wood in the fireplace using the kindling that is in a bucket. I hear Sookie come back into the living room as I strike a match from the box on the mantle. Once I am sure the fire will hold, I turn to find her sitting on the couch with what a cup of what smells like hot chocolate. On the table she has placed a bottle of blood and from the steam coming from it, she has warmed it for me as well.

I slowly sink down next to her on the couch and pick up the blood. She shuffles a bit to make sure there is room for me. I suppress the shudder that threatens to run through me at the thought that she cannot even stand to touch me accidentally at this point. I take a sip of the bottled blood and say, "Thanks." She offers me a nod in return.

"So you have something to tell me," she asks. I hesitate not quite sure the best place to begin but Sookie gives it to me as she continues, "Does it have anything to do with what Sam said, about Weres coming into the state?"

"It is a bit more complicated than that," I tell her.

"It usually is," she replies. Her voice at this could be filled with bitterness and anger, as everything has been more complicated than it should be for the last month or so. Hell, even I am feeling a little bitter at the hand we have been dealt in all of this. But her voice, her voice has optimism to it. I look into her eyes and I begin to tell her about what I know involving the Weres coming into the state. I also add the news that vampires will be coming soon as well, both most likely under the direction of one Peter Threadgill.

"This is a huge threat," she says after taking a few seconds to take everything in. I take a few minutes to explain a few more things to her to make sure she understands just how big of a threat this really is. "So most likely these are spies who will give information that will allow Threadgill to try and get whatever he wants from the state from the inside. Then, if he attacks, he already has troops on the inside waiting to cause chaos or to hurt us again from our own state."

I nod and tell her that is the basic summary of where we are right now. "Well, I won't be much help with the vampires," she starts. "But I will be happy to come down to the bar and see what I can get from the Weres, though you know I don't get too much from them either."

"While I am certainly grateful for your eagerness to help me and Area Five, I am not quite sure simply helping out at Fangtasia is what Sophie-Anne has in mind here," I tell her gently.

Telling her as gently as I possibly can does not keep the color in her cheeks as she pales at my words. "I'm not going to have much of a choice in this am I," she asks, her voice sounding weak.

"We have been here before, Sookie," I tell her. "I will do everything in my power to make sure you get as much of a choice as you can. I will make sure your are safe and treated fairly."

She's quiet before softly saying, "I've never really stood much of a chance since Sophie-Anne found Hadley, huh?"

"You have a much better deal than you could have, Sookie."

"Yeah," she scoffs. "Until Sophie-Anne decides she no longer wants to play nice and wants complete control of my life."

"I will not let that happen," I tell her.

"We have been here before, Eric. She's your Queen. You can't really stop her if she pushes."

"I will find a way, Sookie. I will. At the first sign she gives that this arrangement no longer works for her, I will make sure you maintain the freedom you have."

She looks at me long and hard. "You really mean that don't you. You really would fight her for my freedom if it came down to that."

I stay quiet, hoping my silence will be answer enough. While I am almost positive neither Sophie-Anne nor Threadgill is monitoring her house here, one can never be so sure. I cannot be heard making what could be considered a traitorous remark. I have been toeing the line with my comments as it is. Threadgill would be like a shark scenting the blood while Sophie-Anne could call for my head. It's bad enough that we are discussing Sookie's telepathy, but I am careful not to call it that. I am just hoping that my suspicions are correct and neither Threadgill nor Sophie-Anne has thought to bug her house.

When Sookie smiles slightly, I think that she understands that even without a verbal response, I will do what I need to make sure she is protected. "What will I have to do," she asks, smile disappearing off her face.

"Simply what you volunteered to do for me at Fangtasia," I tell her. "But across the state."

"It's a big state, Eric."

I nod. "You will most likely be asked to listen at Areas Two, Three, and Four at least once to try and see if we can pinpoint the spies. Perhaps even listen the humans belonging to vampires."

"New Orleans," she asks knowing that I left out Area One.

"Most likely, you will be requested to be there a few times as that is our capitol in the state."

She nods and I imagine she had already garnered that bit of information. She would probably had to have made several trips down to the New Orleans regardless of this new threat. "How long have you known about this," she asks suddenly. I think I also hear a little bit of accusation in her voice. I cannot say I blame her for it but I also cannot say it does not hurt to hear it.

"Last night," I tell her and I hope that I am not imagining the look of relief that passes over her face. "I had gotten the call about an hour or two after I had left you."

"So you didn't keep it from me?"

I shake my head, and turn a bit more towards her on the couch as I admit to her, "I was torn." Her face drops as I say this. "You need to know this information. I never once thought to keep it from you forever, but I wanted so much to give you the time you had just asked me for. I am sorry that you are not getting it," I tell her hanging my head.

I feel her gentle hand on my cheek as she lifts my head up until I am looking in her eyes again. "It's not your fault, Eric. You didn't do this."

I nod, though part of me doesn't believe her. "I was hoping to give you a couple of days and to tell you after I had interviewed the vampires looking to move into my Area."

"But instead you sent me a note letting me know you had something you needed to tell me and asking me to let you know if I would like to speak to you or Pam to hear what it was."

"I thought you would like to know as soon as possible. Even if you did not get the time and space you wanted."

"You were right, Eric," she tells me, a smile on her face. "I'd rather know these things, especially if I am involved. Especially if it puts you in danger," she adds softly. "Congratulations. You've communicated."

The smile I have on my face due to her words disappears as I see her pull her arm away, half a second before it registers that my hand is now empty. I did not even know something was in it. I look down and still see my fingers moving before they stop all together. I must have started playing with her fingers at some point during the discussion. It had become a habit of sorts of mine. "I am sorry," I say, looking away from her face.

"I don't want you to be," she tells me, which brings my eyes back up to her.

"It was obviously making you uncomfortable. You jerked away."

"Doesn't mean I want it to be," she repeats again. We stare at each other at her words. There are so many emotions running through her eyes and across her face. They are moving too fast to me to even try to discern what they all are and what they all might mean. And I know that my face may as well be a virtual mirror to hers right now.

"But it is," I say, barely whispering, turning away and standing up from the couch.

I feel her get up behind me and she gently takes my arm turning me back towards her. "And it's up to us to change that. If we want to."

I look into her eyes yet again. I see them start to fill with water and her blinking increases as if she is trying to keep them from falling. "We can change it," I ask, not even trying to mask the hope in my voice.

"Absolutely," she says, a small smile adorning her face.

And all of a sudden, I am overwhelmed by what I feel. I cannot even identify all the emotions running through me at the suggestion that all with Sookie is not lost. Her eyes are no longer threatening to spill tears, so I can only hope that means she is willing to change that too. Feeling weighed down by the emotions ripping through me, I change the subject telling Sookie, "I have asked Tray if he can spare some Weres throughout the day to keep their eyes on you and Bon Temps."

Letting out yawn, and sitting back down she responds, "If I have guards, won't that just bring more attention to me."

"Yes and no," I tell her. "My world views you as my property so if I feel the need to protect you, I can. Also, they will not be guarding you, exactly. They will be coming into Merlotte's for lunch. As Tray and Alcide are friends, they would be okay coming over for dinner, if you will have them. A few are new on the town work crew and I think the road will find itself having a couple of huge potholes near the end of your driveway. They will be around and alert but to an outsider they will not be seen guarding you."

She nods before trying, but failing, to suppress another yawn. "Bubba will be around at night too. He will be watching the town and reporting back to me anything of notice about the new residents."

"Okay," she says. She must be more tired than she even appears if she is not fighting me at all on this added protection. Or she truly realizes how dangerous the situation is.

I see her eyes start to close as she starts to drift to sleep. I get up and start to wish her goodnight but she says, "Can you stay? Just until I am asleep?"

I nod and see that my spot on the couch has been taken over by her feet as she has stretched out on the couch. "Do you want me to carry you upstairs?"

She shakes her head and lets out another yawn as she opens her eyes for a second before closing them. "No," she says through a yawn. "I was planning on sleeping down here. It's warmer with the fire burning."

Seeing her very close to sleep, I sit down on the floor in front of where her head is laying on the couch. I feel her fingers lightly moving in my hair and her sleep infused voice tells me, "I rescinded Bill's invitation."

I am filled again with feelings based on the knowledge that she did this on her own, without me even suggesting it, as I was thinking about how to broach the topic. I admit to being happy now that he no longer has free passage into her house. I am also happy that seems to think this is the right thing to do, that hopefully she knows she will be safer. She had a tendency to run to danger. I certainly hope that has changed as she has worked through some of her issues.

But I know she cared for Bill, and I am sorry that this probably causes her more pain. I tell her so, whispering, "I am sorry," in case she has fallen asleep as her hand has stopped moving and is simply resting in my hair.

"No you're not," she barely responds.

"I am not sorry this decision will probably be safer for you, but I am sorry you had to make it."

After a few seconds, I think she may now be asleep before I hear her mutter, "Thanks."

I start to hum, which is a habit I have had practically since I was turned. Sometimes, having a little noise in the background can be comforting. I push the thoughts of how I learned that out of my head.

It is only minutes before the steadiness of her breathing tells me Sookie is finally asleep. I hum for a few more minutes just to be certain knowing if it stops abruptly, she may wake up. After a few more minutes, I get up and go upstairs into her bedroom and bring her comforter down so she will have another layer if she gets cold. I lay it over her before turning my attention to the fire. I put more logs on trying to see that the fire will keep her warm the rest of the night. I then take her mug and my bottle into the kitchen and rinse them both out.

Now out of reasons to delay my leave, I walk back into the living room and take a last look at the sleeping figure on the couch. Though I long to give her a kiss goodbye and can do so without waking her, I know it is not my time to do so. I had lost that privilege but I will be doing everything I could to earn it back.

Sookie may not have gotten the space and time she wanted right now, but maybe keeping busy and staying in contact will be of more help right now than staying away completely.

I certainly hope so. I certainly and willing to try and make it so.

I make my way out of the house, locking the doorknob as I leave. Without a key I cannot further secure the house but I hope this will do tonight. I nod to the Bubba who is hiding behind the tree line, keeping his eye on her. With one last glimpse at the house, I take to the air and start to fly my way back to Fangtasia.

**Hello readers and welcome to the next chapter of Love and Memories. Thanks for coming along for the ride and for those of you commenting on my driving along the way. I truly appreciate the input. I hope everyone has a fun, safe, and happy Halloween**


	11. Every Breath You Take

_Every breath you take_

_Every move you make_

_Every bond you break_

_Every step you take_

_I'll be watching you – The Police_

**Sookie POV**

I wake up snug as a bug in a rug. I was expecting to wake up a tad chilly since the heater isn't working, but I wake up toasty and warm. I open my eyes and am surprised to see my comforter from my bedroom on top of the thin afghan I had pulled over me when I laid down on the couch last night. I smile as I think of the vampire who had to have put it there.

I roll over to get off the couch and notice the embers are still burning brightly in the fire and there are less logs than I remember being there before I fell asleep. Eric must have built the fire up as well before he left too, in an effort to keep me warm.

That thought alone warms me up a bit.

I consider taking a shower but then decide to wait to see what Terry finds, as I am not looking forward to taking another cold one. Instead, I start making breakfast. Terry should be here soon and I told him I'd have breakfast for him this morning. I really hope that the issue isn't too big and that it isn't going to cost a lot to repair. My savings has been slowly depleting and the few weeks of work I missed hurt, not to mention that the daytime tips are barely there compared to the nighttime tips. I know Terry would be willing to work something out with me, but I know he needs the money too.

I hear a knock at the door and the unmistakable mind of Terry is open to me as I focus on who is there before I open the door. I know that Terry likes taking jobs like this because it helps give him something to focus on other than his memories.

I know how lost you can get in them if you aren't too careful.

As we are eating breakfast, Terry hands me a note telling me someone named Bobby, dropped it off right before he headed over here. "He asked if I could make sure you got it," he says before getting up to get more eggs and bacon.

Confused at why Eric's day man would be dropping off a letter to Terry for me, I quickly open it up. I can't help the anger I feel as a blank check signed by the vampire that just an hour or so ago was making me smile with his thoughtfulness, falls out of the envelope. I try to swallow it back as I start to read the letter. I can't really say it works at first, but as I read through the letter, the anger leaves me line by line.

_Sookie,_

_I apologize for not discussing this with you first but it did not cross my mind until I left you early this morning. I do know that money is tight for you at the moment and that you will feel the need to pay your friend outright, instead of working out a payment plan. In order that you can do that and not suffer financially yourself, I have enclosed a check that you should feel welcome to use, if you have need of it. I would like you to think of it as a gift but you will probably be more comfortable calling it a loan. If you need to use it, please do not worry about paying me back until you are comfortable enough to do so. _

_Eric _

Although I can believe Eric would do something like this with everything else he has done for me, I am surprised at the way he went about it. He's giving me a choice, an option, and he knows how important and necessary that is for me right now. Though I can admit that part of me would just like to tear up the check, I do realize how much of a help this could be if I do need it.

Call it progress.

"Everything okay," Terry asks, pulling me out of my thoughts. After I nod, he then says, "Okay then. I'm gonna go and take a look at that furnace of yours."

Luckily, the only thing wrong with the furnace is some switch thing. The part Terry needs to fix it is only about twelve dollars and he's only at my house for an hour so I am able to give him a decent amount of money for his time.

I send Terry off on his way and spend the rest of my day off as most of us tend to. Chores, laundry specifically. You would think with spending plenty of nights lately in, I would have this under control but it overtook me at some point. And the reason isn't at all clear why until I get into it. See, I am usually good with laundry doing a couple of loads a week, just to stay on top. So I'm not sure why my load is about double what it usually is. Until I get to the middle of it.

Oh Jason. What am I going to with you?

I just about finish the last of his by the time the sun sets. I heat up some leftovers for dinner. When I am finished eating, I settle myself in to watch some Jeopardy, loving the fact that I am now under an afghan to be comfy and not out of necessity.

I hear a knock at the door before the first round is over and immediately focus on the void that is at the door. I am hesitant to even approach the door because if I don't, I can lie to myself and pretend if I stay really still, the vampire on my porch won't know that I am here. Of course, that hope is dashed as there is a second and then a third knock on the door.

The list of vampires I would be willing to talk to is short, as in almost non-existent short. Pam and Eric are pretty much the list. I probably wouldn't say no to Thalia either, though I don't see her as the stop by to chat type. Oh, perhaps it's Bubba. How could I have forgotten him? Eric even said last night that he would be around so I bet it's him. However, as I make my way to the door, I can see outside the window and I see that it's not Bubba.

It's Bill, which of course sends me walking backwards away from the door. Though I am sure there are plenty of other vampires out there that are even more dangerous for me, Bill is the one I least want to talk to right now.

And that's putting it lightly.

But almost as soon as I start my retreat back into my living room, I stop. I had been working hard to not fear Bill, to not let my fear of him overpower me and make decisions based off of fear, because they are usually not the best decisions. Of course, these thoughts send me walking back to the door. It may actually be good to talk to him, for me to learn what he wanted to warn me of. It could help Eric. I rescinded his invitation so he can't actually come in so as long as I stay inside, he can't touch me. That's not good enough for me though as I grab my cell phone and fire off a text to Pam that he's here.

Okay, so fire off may be a bit of an overstatement as it probably took me a few minutes to type it. And I definitely had some misspellings. Having to press the button numerous times to get the right letter is a bit bothersome. I put the phone in my pocket and make my way to the front door, take a deep breath, and open it.

Almost as soon as I have the door open, Bill lets out my name in what sounds like a sigh. I try to keep my voice level as I respond simply, "Bill." I am proud of myself when I manage to.

He looks past where I stand in the middle of the doorway, obviously looking for an invite into my house. I say nothing and remain in the doorway. Finally, he brings his eyes back to mine and asks, "May I come in?"

I'm not exactly sure if they can feel when their invitation is taken back if they are not in the house, so I don't know if Bill is simply being polite or if he knows he can't simply waltz in when he wants to. I shake my head at his question as I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket. I don't get it out though. I don't want to take my eyes off of Bill.

"I don't think that's such a good idea, Bill," I say to him, answering his previous question.

"Please, Sookie. I have to tell you something. It's important."

I shake my head and open my mouth to repeat myself but Bill seems to have lost any pretense of patience he had and he stretches out his arm to grab at me. But I am tucked safely behind the doorway of my house and his arm slams into whatever magic barrier keeps vampires out of houses uninvited.

Bill looks angry for half a second, and then relaxes his face to accomplish what I'm not quite sure. "You withdrew my invitation," he says quietly.

I nod and say almost just as quietly, "Can you blame me?"

"No. No I can't," he says. "Especially with Northman probably having put you up to it."

I can't help the laugh that escapes me at that. "Looking to place the blame, elsewhere, huh Bill? For your information Eric and I have plenty of other things to discuss other than you. In fact, he had no idea until I told him last night." I don't bother telling him it was only earlier in the day yesterday that I rescinded his invitation.

Bill's facial expression changes and it looks like he swallowed a lemon at that news. Again, the look doesn't last too long on his face as he fights to make his expression as neutral as possible. "I didn't mean to," he starts but I let out another laugh at his words.

Okay, maybe it was more of a snort.

"You haven't meant to do a lot of things lately, Bill. Not meaning to hasn't stopped you from hurting people, hurting me," I tell him.

"That is why I am here," he says. "I want to make amends." He takes a step towards the door, but with the magical barrier still in place, it ends up being more of a half step. He looks around and says, "Sookie, please let me in. I need to talk to you."

Having him look around makes me think about where Bubba could be. Eric said he would be around at night. Granted I don't remember if he specified when that might start but it seemed like it would start today, especially when true to his word, there was a work crew working on the street close to my driveway today. Starting to get worried for the vampire, I ignore his request and instead ask Bill, "Where's Bubba?"

He looks back to me and says, "Eric's having a meeting with all the vampires in Area Five. He has important information to tell them."

I look at him, dumbfounded not entirely believing Bubba would actually be required to attend that meeting. But someone else probably was and he is currently on my front porch. "Then shouldn't you be there?"

He shakes his head and says, "Making sure you're safe is more important, Sookie."

"Safe from what exactly," I ask eager to see what he wants me to know.

A smile appears on his face and I am a bit worried about what it could mean. "It appears Northman isn't as forthcoming with you as he should be," he starts off by saying. Bill then starts to tell me about the vampires and Weres coming into Louisiana, and he even mentions this is probably part of Threadgill's plot to take the state. Everything Eric told me. Everything that Bill shouldn't know until the meeting with Eric tonight.

"You need to be protected, Sookie," Bill says.

I can't help but think that I would have been protected if he hadn't have convinced Bubba to go to that meeting. There is little doubt in my mind that Bill manipulated the situation. "It's covered," I tell his simply not wanting to get into details.

"Not enough," he says. "You need vampire protection. One that would be able to sense that you are in danger." He pauses before continuing, "You will take my blood again so I can protect you."

With those words, I take a few steps back, even as the back of my mind is telling me that he can't get to me as long as I am in my house. Knowing that, I still can't stop the falling feeling that overtakes me at his words. I feel myself start to slip to that place I my mind that I escaped to in the past.

But I don't let myself fall. I have fallen too far so many times in the past and for too long that was how I coped. But it's not anymore.

I take a step towards the door, making sure not to cross the threshold of the door. "You're protection is the last thing I want, Bill," I tell him, my voice steady, and I hope Bill can hear the confidence in it.

Bill growls and his arm suddenly hits the barrier. "Oh Bill," I hear a dry, sarcastic voice say before I see the owner of the voice appear. "Didn't your Maker ever tell you not to play with your food?"

I am not exactly sure if I should be offended by that comment at all.

"No more than yours probably did," Bill responds, backing down the steps. Hey, if Pam can get Bill to back off, she can say whatever she would like.

"I notice you didn't correct the fact that Sookie is most definitely not food." At that Bill stutters a bit before finally just closing his mouth. Pam takes his place on the porch and says, "You missed a mandatory meeting tonight, Compton."

"I will make up for it, Pam."

"Yes, Compton. I am sure you will," Pam says, crossing the threshold of my door into my house, as Bill was trying to do just minutes before. He growls as she does so causing Pam to say, "I do hope we get to spend the quality time together that we didn't a few weeks back, Bill. I've been dreaming about the possibilities."

If possible for a vampire, Bill looks a little green. It doesn't stop him completely though as he says one last time, "You need to be protected, Sookie. Think about what I said."

"She is protected Compton and I am sure she will give it the proper amount of thought, whatever it was. She's probably already made a decision," Pam says with a smirk.

Bill lets out a bit of a snarl, before finally turning to leave. "Your Sheriff wishes to see you tomorrow night, Compton." He throws his hand up in the air in response and is gone before I can blink, though I can't say I am unhappy about that.

"Well, Sookie," Pam says looking me over, head to toe. "Let's watch some TV," she says pulling out something familiar. "I only have two episodes to go in the first season and I just have to see what becomes of the wrinkly, old vampire."

So, that's what we did.

**Eric POV**

The last place I want to be tonight is Fangtasia and the last thing I want to be doing is addressing the vampires of Area Five. Unfortunately, this evening, I am doing both. They should all be here an hour after sundown. Well, all except Bubba who will be staying in Bon Temps, keeping an eye on things there.

Or maybe just one thing in particular.

He already knows of the threat as I told him the basics when I asked him to keep an eye on Sookie. There are several other vampires, such as Thalia that are out in the state as well, keeping an eye on things. They were told of the situation last night and I wanted to ensure that we were still keeping an eye on things in the state. The last thing we need now is to leave the state completely unguarded during these meetings. Each Sheriff has excused several vampires to act as a warning system should something arise.

I have a quick conference call with the other Sheriffs, as I can hear the vampires start to arrive. Pam will be out there to greet them for a few more minutes though. Once it seems like we are all on the same page with the announcement tonight, we hang up. I am not quite sure what the Queen is doing with the vampires in her Area, but that is up to her.

I head out to the bar, and wait a few minutes until everyone has arrived. I wait a few minutes past the meeting time as Compton has not yet shown but he is probably just trying to frustrate me.

Not that he has to try very hard.

I start to explain the current threat, informing the vampires that there weekly hours at Fangtasia are being cut but they will instead be patrolling the state keeping an eye out for anything out of the ordinary.

In the middle of the meeting, I hear more the feel a phone vibrating so I know it is not mine. When Pam, takes out her phone I am not too worried as she can handle things as I continue the meeting. It's when I feel concern from Pam and feel my phone go off in my pocket that I begin to worry. I take my phone out of my pocket as I continue to outline the threat and expectations for those in my Area. Pam had forwarded the message she received to me. It is from Sookie and when I read it, I have to work hard to keep my fangs in place as I am telling my Area vampires that they must be diligent in watching out for any new Supes in the Area.

Now it has become perfectly clear why Bill is missing from this meeting. He is at Sookie's. I should not have ignored his absence.

I focus in on the bond I have with Sookie and see that for the most part she is relatively calm. I think that is the only thing that keeps me from bolting from the bar right then.

But it won't keep me here for too long. I need to make sure Sookie is okay. And find out if Bubba is still among the undead. Because if he is, he may find himself finally dead if anything happens to Sookie.

Pam is moving towards me as I prepare to turn the meeting over to her. She can take it from here and tell them what specifically to watch out for and the new guidelines to reporting incidences. I am about to announce that something has come up and I need to leave when the front door to the bar suddenly opens. I inwardly throw a tantrum as I realize that there is no way I can leave the meeting now.

Andre has just walked through the door.

Pam slightly switches her flight path to the hallway leading to the back, where are offices are. Another message appears on my screen telling me she is on it. I feel a little jolt from her as it feels she is in the parking lot, but the feeling soon steadies as I start to feel her get further away.

I bring most of my focus back to the vampires in my bar, well to one vampire in particular. I don't even know what he is doing here. I quickly text the other Sheriffs to find out if anyone from the Queen's court dropped in on their meeting and to warn them that someone might.

I start to explain that if we are in public and I need to be told of something related to this immediately, they are to use the phrase, "I request an audience." That will let me know that it is an emergency. As I finish telling them that, I feel Sookie's fear spike through the bond that I have been monitoring.

I curse Andre when I feel it. If it weren't for him I would be with her. I could have been with her as soon as I found out Compton was with her and possibly could have prevented her from ever feeling the fear.

I call the meeting to a close as soon as I have delivered all the vital information. I will have Pam send out a summary sheet to my residents, the other Sheriffs, and the Queen so they will know what was discussed. I start to head back to my office, planning on simply locking up and leaving to make my way to Sookie.

Andre though, seems to have some other plans. He blocks my way as he asks if he could have a few minutes of my time.

I have been debating telling him there was an emergency, but he may want to tag along. And I do not want him anywhere near Sookie. Not after I have been told he seemed so determined to get his blood down her throat.

I swallow back the multitude of responses that I would love to give him at the moment. If I thought I could get away with them, I'd say them in blood bag's heartbeat. Instead I grudgingly lead him back to my office to where I will give him the very few minutes of my time he asked for.

As we take our seats in my office he says, "I am sure that our Queen has informed you that we will be needing the telepath to use her skills throughout the state." I nod. I do not like the look on his face as he continues and says, "I will be accompanying her through her travels. I can report back anything directly to the Queen that needs to be and I will also have the authority to deal with anything that requires immediate action."

A chill runs down my spine, as the smile on this little worms face gets bigger. I have spent centuries perfecting keeping my emotions off my face and I sure hope I am not failing at it now. If Andre knows it would upset me, he will keep pushing me. And I will push back. And all that would likely accomplish is making things more difficult for Sookie.

So I shuffle through some paperwork on my desk and try to act nonchalant, as I tell him, "That is probably a good idea. If we can deal with any issues immediately, it will bode well for the future of the state." I pause while pretending to focus on something that I have read. As I continue to 'read' the paperwork I say, "Of course as Sookie is mine, I will also be accompanying her on any travels out of my Area."

"Our Queen wants all Sheriffs to remain in their Area during this threat, so they can neutralize anything that may come up," he says making me want to punch the smirk off his face.

I put the paperwork down and again look to Andre. "Not a problem," I say, all the while knowing that I will be calling Sophie-Anne about this. Pam is more than capable than running the state in my absence as she proved with this latest witch fiasco. And I will not allow Sookie to travel with Andre without me. Hell, I do not want her to travel with Andre with me.

But I will not take it up with the Queen's henchman. To Andre I simply, say, "Pam can travel with her then to ensure the care of my property."

The smirk on his face starts to falter, which makes a slight one appear in my face. "Also, I feel the need to remind you that she is human."

"We are fully aware of that fact," he says confused.

"Then you need to be sure to arrange that her needs are met and she is safe."

"Sophie-Anne will arrange for all that she needs."

And that was what I was waiting for, him to mention Sophie-Anne. "Then I shall call her and discuss everything."

"There is no need," he says.

"Well, we have to come up with a schedule. If we want her to use her ability, she cannot be tired. She cannot be simply traveling during the day and working at night. It would exhaust her. To make sure her needs are met and she can work as efficiently as possible, I will call our Queen as you said she will be making the arrangements," I say with a smile while standing up. "Now, if there is nothing else, Andre, I really must get back to checking on how things in the state have been going tonight."

I see him grit his teeth, but he stands up and starts to take his leave. As soon as I hear that he is gone, I make mine heading to Bon Temps.

**Hello dear readers. I so do hope that you have enjoyed this leg of their little journey together. I thank everyone for hitching a ride on this trip and especially those commenting on my driving skills. I do so appreciate it. **


	12. We Are Young

_My lover she's waiting for me just across the bar_

_My seat's been taken by some sunglasses asking 'bout a scar, and_

_I know I gave it to you months ago_

_I know you're trying to forget_

_But between the drinks and subtle things_

_The holes in my apologies, you know_

_I'm trying hard to take it back – Fun._

**Eric POV**

I think I fly to Bon Temps quicker than I ever have before. I know both women whose well being I am questioning both feel and seem fine, but I am a firm follower in not believing until you are seeing.

One vampire's whose well being I am not certain of is Bubba's and he is not answering my in flight phone calls. The second vampire who I cannot be sure will live through the night is Compton. Even if Sookie is safe and sound, if he harmed Bubba, he will be answering to me.

As I land in Sookie's front yard, I hear the shrieking voice of my child screaming something about bones. "A skeleton? Really? They expect us to believe that he turned into bones," I can hear as I walk up to the door. "The dust the other vampires turn into is bad enough, but bones?"

I can hear Sookie's response of, "You have to watch the next episode," as I knock on the door. Sookie's voice then rings out and says come in. I do and walk into the living room where Pam and Sookie are sitting on the couch and I do have to admit to being surprised as I take in the room.

There are pillows all over the place, more in fact than I even remember being in this house. Pam and Sookie are sharing a blanket, which is a tad odd, as my child does not need a blanket. There is popcorn all over the place though the biggest pile is in front of the television. And in my child's hair, which is definitely not like her.

After taking in the disarray that is the room, my eyes roam over Sookie as she sits and talks with Pam. Luckily, she does not seem to be hurt at all. In fact, she seems rather relaxed as she smiles over something Pam says.

"Any word from Bubba," I ask. He was here tonight; I could smell him as I was in the front yard.

"He hasn't been with you," Sookie asks, sounding rather alarmed.

"I have not seen him all night," I respond to her but turning towards my child. At Bubba's name, I felt something in the bond I share with Pam. It feels very much like the jolt I felt from her earlier in the evening when she left Fangtasia.

"Pamela," I say to her. "What do you know?"

She stands up off the couch that she has been sharing with Sookie, what looks like quite comfortably. Her head is bowed down, looking at the ground. Her shoulders are slumped. Everything about her posture right now is submissive and I cannot say I like the look on her. But her voice, clear and strong says, "I've handled it."

If any other vampires in my Area answered to me like that, they would no longer be standing, and they might be missing an appendage or two. But this vampire standing in front of me is not one of my underlings, is not just a vampire in my Area. She is the vampire I created. She is the woman I chose to be my child. She is the one I raised, teaching her all that I know, while never abusing her. She is the one that until very recently, I have never doubted. She has never given me a reason to doubt her.

I should have trusted her weeks ago. I must show her I trust her now. Raising my hand, I lift her head up so she is looking me in the eye, as a child of mine should. Cupping her face, I run my thumb across her cheek and say, "What do I need to know of the situation."

The smile that graces her face at my words tells me she understands their meaning. It is all about trust. I trust that she did take care of the situation in an acceptable way and I trust that she will tell me what I need to know. "Bubba apparently tried to stop Bill from seeing Sookie earlier tonight. Compton did not respond too kindly to that."

As it turns out, the jolt that I felt from Pam at the bar was from her meeting Bubba in the parking lot. Bill had somehow convinced Bubba that he needed to be at Fangtasia tonight during the meeting, saying that Sookie's safety depended on it. Using the one he was supposed to guard, that is how Compton managed to do it.

After learning this, Pam told Bubba that when in Lousisana he should only listen to me. She had a little trouble with him thinking he should defer to the Queen but when Pam explained he was not a permanent resident of the state, she managed to convince him.

We can hope, at least.

She then smartly sent him away, knowing if I knew of his presence, knew he was not guarding Sookie, my control at the meeting may have slipped. And with Andre there, that would not have been a good thing.

"Needless to say, Bubba will be contacting you tomorrow night to see when you need him to return here," Pam says, finishing her story. I nod as she continues, "And I told Compton you will be expecting him tomorrow night."

"Joy," I say, looking over at Sookie. She has been very quiet almost since I arrived, almost too quiet for my liking. I saw her animated while talking to Pam, but after learning what happened to Bubba, she has been staring into the fire, which is burning embers at this point. I go over and put another log on it before going to sit next to Sookie on the couch. "I am sorry," I tell her, though she is still staring at the fire.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see Pam head into the kitchen in an effort to give us the pretense of privacy. Sookie turns away from the fire and looks at me. "What for," she asks, confusion in her voice.

And of course, the many things I am sorry for race through my head because unfortunately, there have a lot lately. But tonight, tonight I am sorry that I could not be there for her and I tell her so. "If it was not for Andre, I would have been out the door seconds after you texted Pam."

She shakes her head and says, "That's not your fault, Eric." As she turns back to the fire though, I do not think she really means her words.

"Did Bill do anything to you," I say to her softly, gritting my teeth at the thought that he is responsible for why Sookie seems so detached. But again, I get a shake of the head. After a few more minutes of silence, I ask, "What is it, Sookie."

Still looking at the fire, she says, "I can almost forget. you know. Sitting here with Pam, watching television, joking about it, throwing popcorn at the tv when something especially ridiculous happens." She pauses for a few seconds. "But then without a warning it all comes crashing back."

She does not have to elaborate. I know all too well what she is talking about. Even after centuries, I find myself still in the same trap. I can catch a scent or hear a certain word and it all comes crashing down on me for a few seconds. Even after all this time, even after I have worked through it all so long ago. I can feel the cuts and burns on my skin. I can feel the hunger. I can feel the pain. It feels like I can drown in it all, though I have no need for oxygen.

I feel a hand on my face and it is only the gentleness of it that keeps me from bolting. Sookie's living room comes back into focus and I find myself staring into her eyes. Her fingers are on my cheek and gently stroking it. After a few seconds she asks, "Where did you go?"

Such an easy question, but yet the answer is anything but. "In my head," I say still looking into her eyes.

"Trapped in your mind can be a scary place sometimes."

I place my hand on hers and rub it with my thumb. I bring my face closer to hers, but that movement seems to snap her out of it as quickly her hand is out from under mine and there is suddenly more space between us.

I do not like it, but I have no one to blame except myself.

"Thank-you for sending Pam, tonight. She told you Bill was here," she asks, looking away from me.

"She sent me the text you sent her."

The sadness I hear in my own voice is something that I hope Sookie misses. I know she does not though as she says quickly, "Not it's just, I had tried to contact you, wanted to call you but realized I don't have your number." She pauses and looks away from me. Looking at the floor she shakes her head and brings her eyes back up to mine before asking meekly, "Could I have your number?"

I nod, hating that she feels so awkward asking me a simple question. "Where is your phone," I ask her. She gets it off the table next to the couch and hands it to me. I put my number into it for her. "Now I have it," she says.

"Now you have it," I repeat. After a few seconds of silence, I repeat my earlier question. "Did Bill hurt you tonight, Sookie?"

She shakes her head no. "He couldn't even touch me," she explains. "He stayed on the porch and I stayed behind the doorway so he couldn't reach me."

"I am glad you were safe in that aspect," I tell her knowing full well that she was not safe from others. Not while Compton was mere inches from her. "What did he want then?"

She lets out a bit of a sarcastic laugh and says, "What does he always want," before starting to tell me of his visit. I cannot help the growl that escapes at the thought of him trying to force her to take his blood again. He is lucky he still has blood to give and his luck with that may soon run out as it is.

It is worrisome though the amount of knowledge he told Sookie about the current threat. And he must know even more than what he told her, as one never reveals the full extent of the information he knows. So now we know what he knows but unfortunately it does not answer the question of how he knows it.

"The Queen," Sookie asks.

"That would make the most sense." And it would. Bill had been a member of Sophie-Anne's court. With punishment served, and I say that lightly, he could be a part of it again, especially to keep Threadgill from growing suspicious of things. To be honest, though Bill having a direct connection to the Queen may be troublesome, it certainly is not the worst way he could be getting this information.

"But I wasn't the only one with a visitor tonight," Sookie says, edging a bit closer to me on the couch. "Did Andre just stay for the meeting?"

"If it were only that simple," I say. As I tell Sookie what Andre and I talked about, she curls more and more around herself until finally her arms are wrapped around her knees. Her head is currently lying on her knees as well. She is as small as she can be sitting next to me on the couch.

"He wants me," she says, making it a statement and not a question.

"It certainly appears so," I tell her.

"Is it him or the Queen," she asks.

I shake my head and tell her that I am not sure. "You will not be going anywhere alone with him," I reiterate to her. "I will be with you."

I see the doubt come across her face at the same time it races through my mind. Yes I will be with her when I can be, but the questions remains, what if I cannot be. I will be doing everything I can to make sure that that does not happen.

Even taking on a Queen.

As that thought comes to my mind, most of the doubt is wiped off of Sookie's face. "And you'll protect me," she says with certainty in her voice.

I am glad that at least in this she trusts. "I will," I say taking one of her hands in my own. Suddenly, my phone goes off in my pocket. I groan and get it out knowing how important it may be tonight. I let out another groan when I see it is another Sheriff. I silence the call and send a text telling her I will call her back in a few minutes.

"You have to leave," Sookie says.

"I do not want to, but I have to talk with the other Sheriffs tonight to see how their meetings went." She nods at that. "Pam will be staying here overnight if that is okay," I tell her. "She can take you to Fangtasia tomorrow night if you are still willing." Another nod. "The Weres should be working on the road right after sunrise."

"Thanks Eric," she tells me.

I tell her, as I did at another time before, her thanks is not necessary as I get up off the couch. I turn when I get to the door, wishing that I did not have to leave her tonight, or any other night for that matter.

Yet, I can only hope that she would want me to stay.

"Goodnight, Sookie," I tell her turning and opening the door.

"Night, Eric," I hear her say before I close it. I look in through the window and see my child come into the room. I see Sookie stare at the door for a few seconds before turning her attention to Pam. It is then when I take to the air, dialing back the Sheriff on my way up.

**Sookie POV**

"Can we watch the next episode," Pam asks coming in from the kitchen, taking my focus off the door that Eric just walked out of. "I made more popcorn," she adds as a handful hits my face.

"Ow." It may just be popcorn, but it hurts having a vampire fling it at you.

"That's for my hair. So can we," she says flopping on the couch next to me, giving me a puppy dogface, which is very weird coming from the vampire.

"Might as well," I say smiling a little at the look on her face.

"Yay," she says starting the show. But as the starting credits come on, my attention is once again drawn to the door, or more specifically the blond vampire who just walked out it and the lost look he got in his eyes when he was trapped in his mind.

I wake up after too few hours of sleep. Of course, if I am going to be traveling around the state for Sophie-Anne, well I guess this is something I better get used to.

I take a quick shower before heading into work. I actually beat Sam there and have to wait for a few minutes until he comes to open. We won't actually start serving for another hour, but with not working nights, I have become part of the set up crew.

We will have a few minutes before anyone else shows up to I tell Sam that I may need even more time off in the next few weeks. I can't give him a great deal of detail, but with him knowing about the Weres coming into the state, he is able to put it together.

Or at least I assume he has as he slams his hand down on the table we're sitting at. I jump up and take a step back. "They're putting you in danger," he says angrily. "Can't you see? Northman is putting you in danger," he repeats.

"It's not Eric, Sam," I try to explain to him. "In fact, Eric is doing everything he can to keep me out of danger." I take a deep breath, knowing I can't tell him everything, but not knowing how much he does actually know given his own Supe background. I finally settle on telling him, "If it wasn't for Eric, I'd already be in New Orleans.

The intake of breath Sam takes lets me know that he has some idea of what I mean by that statement. "He's doing everything he can to make sure I am safe. If it weren't for him Sam, I'm not sure where I'd be."

And I don't really. And it could be worse than being in New Orleans. I don't know if I'd even be alive or if what happened in the trunk would have had much more dire consequences. I don't know if it weren't for Eric and his gentle prodding if I ever would have truly recovered from what happened. I have been so focused on the negatives that have been happening, as we tend to be, but I have not forgotten all the positives we had shared either.

They are what got me through the negatives, for the most part. Somehow they helped me remember that what we shared was not just in my head, that the feelings that I felt, still feel in those few times I'm honest to myself, were true.

I'm not quite sure how to word all this to Sam, but something must show on my face because Sam's face softens. He looks away for a second before looking back to me and letting out sigh. "You'll let me know if Northman needs help?"

I wrap up Sam in a hug and tell him, "You bet."

The rest of my shift was pretty much not eventful, which is certainly a very welcome afternoon. Sam said to give him as much notice as I can when I need time off and that something will always be waiting for me here when I get back, which I very much appreciate.

I take home a burger to eat, so I don't have to worry about cooking dinner. I pass by work crew still working on the road close to my driveway, wondering which one are the Weres. I feel bad not knowing who they are. Maybe when Tray or Alcide come over for dinner they could bring them. That reminds me to actually invite Tray and Alcide over for dinner.

I quickly eat the burger and jump in the shower to wash off the smell of food. Going into a vampire bar tonight, I will already smell like dinner. I then get into bed hoping to be able to sleep a bit before heading over to Fangtasia with Pam. I set my alarm to give me enough time to get ready and am pleasantly surprised when sleep finds me quite easily.

When I wake up, I am a bit groggy, the type of groggy you get after a long sleep, much longer than a short nap I was planning on taking. I look at the clock and am surprised to see it's 11:00 at night already. I frown at the stupid clock that was supposed to wake me up hours before. I am supposed to leave for Fangtasia with Pam in a half hour. Eric wanted to make sure I wouldn't be there during the interviews or when he talked with Bill.

Pam! She stayed over today. She would have woke me up if I was still sleeping this long. I am about to jerk up in bed worried that something has happened to the female vampire when a hand gently holds me down. "Don't jump up. Your hands still need another minute or so of drying otherwise you'll smudge."

Relief fills me as I hear Pam's voice, but that is soon replaced with confusion at her words. I look down at my hands and see that I have nail polish on. The fact that my feet are sticking out of the blankets makes me think that my toenails have gotten the same treatment. The bits of hair I can see look a lot better than they should from me falling asleep with wet hair.

I strain my neck to look at Pam in question as her hand is still keeping my on the bed. "You needed sleep," she says simply. Apparently I did, given the length of my nap. "I turned off the alarm."

"And accosted me in my sleep," I say to her, smile on my face.

"You got to sleep, and we will still be ready to leave on time," she tells me finally allowing me to sit up. "All you have to do is get dressed."

I think I surprise us both when I simply say, "Thanks Pam." Not too long ago, this is not something I would have probably responded well too, and that is probably putting it lightly. Now, I try and focus on what this really was. Pam was letting me sleep because she knows I needed it.

She looks at me for a few seconds before nodding in response. I can tell she was fully prepared to handle a bit of a different response from me. Pointing to a chair in the room, she told me that she has picked out some clothes for me to wear tonight, before leaving the room so I can change.

Guess both of us are full of surprises tonight.

I quickly get dressed and add a simple necklace to the outfit Pam had chosen for me. I pick up the bracelet I have been using to cover the marks on my wrist from Eric and put it on as I walk downstairs to meet up with Pam who is hanging up the phone. "Eric is running on time. He just finished up the last interview of the night and is heading into his meeting with Compton, who surprisingly showed up."

I am about to ask if I want to know what will happen between Eric and Bill as I reach for my purse but Pam suddenly says, "You can't wear that."

"Wear what," I ask her. I have on what she left out.

"That bracelet."

I cover the bracelet with my other hand and she just looks at me exasperated. "You're going to a vampire bar," she says really slowly, as if I won't understand if she talks at a normal pace. "You can't cover up vampire marks at a vampire bar. Especially, when you're going to the bar as Eric's."

I nervously start to twist my hand where it lies over the bracelet. I don't like the idea of taking it off. I haven't liked the idea of not wearing a bracelet to cover the marks since I found out Eric doesn't remember leaving them. I open my mouth to say something, but nothing comes out.

Pam sighs and comes over to stand in front of me. "He doesn't remember putting them there," she says gently. "What exactly does that change?"

"It changes everything, Pam," I tell her throwing my hands up in the air.

"Like what?"

"Well…" I start but can't come up with anything, or at least anything I can put into intelligent words. The fact that Eric doesn't remember doesn't change the feelings I had that night. It doesn't change the fact that Eric had made me feel so safe, so secure, so cared for, and so comfortable that I wanted something to remember those feelings.

Taking the bracelet off, I give Pam a hug and say, "Thanks."

As we are in the car on the way to Fangtasia, Pam explains a few things to me. I will have to be presented to Eric, which is pretty much telling him that I have arrived. Then I will pretty much be left alone. Tonight they really aren't expecting too much for me. They really just want me to be seen. That way, when I do have to listen, my presence won't be questioned.

We pull up to the bar and head inside. Pam starts leading me to Eric, who is looking quite bored sitting on his throne.

**Eric POV**

All in all, it has not been a bad night so far, though looking at my schedule it definitely could have been. Between my call to the Queen, interviewing vampires, and dealing with Compton, tonight could have made me wish for the pointy end of a stake.

But the interviews have gone well. The vampires allowed to stay have three days to get me their permanent address and the ones that are not should be out of the state before sunrise. They are being trailed to the state line to ensure they cooperate.

And Thalia only had to put down one tonight so I consider that a sign of a good night. She may not agree as she was hoping for more.

The meeting with Compton went as expected. Lots of posturing on his part. Okay, maybe not only on his part. He kept trying to bring the conversation back to Sookie while I chose a different route. He was a resident vampire who did not follow a direct order from his Sheriff.

That is a big no-no.

Once I got him to understand that was what I wanted to focus on tonight his demeanor changed completely. He was nervous about what I would do to him, about what I could do to him. Though, I would have loved to make Pam's night by giving her something to entertain herself with, I had to set him loose after a bit of conversation. Though, I did smile at the limp he left my office with. It went with the direction to stay the fucking hell away from Sookie.

The call with Sophie-Anne went as well as could be expected. As it turns out, Andre was not supposed to be monitoring my meeting, but he was supposed to stay close to home and monitor the meeting in Area Two. He switched, which Sophie-Anne was not exactly happy about, which boded well for me.

She does want Andre to travel with Sookie so immediate situations could be handled. I cannot fault her for that. I did get her to admit that Pam has no problem running the Area. Unfortunately, with the present threat she does want me staying close to home. I fought her on it but she has not yet agreed that I will be able to go with Sookie on every trip. It will be dependent on the threat level at the time, so I will be making sure there are no threats in my Area.

If there is a time, and I am going to do my damn best to make sure there will not be, when I cannot travel with her, Pam will accompany Sookie in her travels. I insisted that if I am not the one traveling with Sookie, Andre not be the one representing the Queen's court.

She took that under advisement, which usually means she's leaning towards yes.

I walk out of my office and head into the bar. I make my way around the room before taking a seat on my throne. I really hate this thing but Pam insists on it.

Oh the things we do for our children.

I control my face as Sookie and Pam enter the bar with Pam leading Sookie over to me. I address Pam first telling her really nothing of importance. I had emailed her everything she needed to know earlier tonight. When I hold out my hand, Sookie puts her little one in it and I bring it to my lips for a quick kiss, before Pam leads her away from me and sits her at the bar, where we can keep our eye on her.

I cannot help the warm feeling that runs through me when I see that Sookie has her wrist uncovered tonight.

The atmosphere here is different tonight and it takes me seconds to realize why. My people here at the bar are grossly outnumbered tonight. It seems the vampires who will be staying here in Area Five have decided to stay here at the bar this evening after their interviews were completed. Meanwhile, my vampires have assignments across the area and the rest of the state to make sure everything is running smoothly.

I curse myself for this horrible oversight. I should have seen this possibility and planned accordingly for it. The schedule will have to be reworked. We cannot be so vastly outnumbered like this again.

I bring my focus to Sookie and am not happy to see when one of the new vampires is standing next to her at the bar. I am even unhappier when the vampire gets his blood from Clancy then does not leave. Instead, he takes the seat next to her and tries to engage her in small talk.

The conversation starts off pretty innocuous, and exchange of names and general information. My next actions may have been different if the vampire was a different height or had a different complexion and not have been so similar to someone who I thought I had long put behind me. They may have been different if I had not have had a type of flashback of sorts the night before when talking to Sookie. It may have been different if it was not Sookie who was on the receiving end of his actions. But my blood grows ice cold while I observe the vampire simply running his fingers through his hair in a motion that seems all too familiar to me. In a movement that in the past had me shivering in fear for what would follow.

And all I can think is that am not going to let that happen to Sookie.

It is when I hear him refer to the marks on her wrist that I start to move swiftly over to them. "It's complicated," I hear Sookie say.

"It's not actually. You either belong to someone or you don't," the foreign vampire says in response.

"She does," I say, coming between them and slamming the vampire into the wall, holding him there by his throat. "Your stupidity is causing you to make trouble your first official night in the Area."

"I didn't," the vampire starts to stutter.

"You do see that no one else has approached her. They know better. She is mine."

"She didn't say," he starts but I tighten my fist around his neck, all the while feeling like there is a fist tightening around mine as there had been so many times long ago. It may not cut off circulation, but there are many things in the neck of a vampire that can be hurt, can be crushed with pressure.

"Eric," I hear Sookie call from behind me in a small voice.

"Go to my office," I snarl out at her. I hear her take a breath as if she is about to say something else and I call out, "Pam." I hear my child shuffle behind us and say something to Clancy before starting to lead Sookie into my office.

Once I hear the door to my office open and close, all other sound goes away. Like tunnel vision, I only have eyes for the vampire I am holding, everything else fades into the background. I know how difficult it is to take the senses away from a vampire. Our senses are heightened so it is only in extreme cases where they are taken from us.

Yet that is what is happening to me tonight, for the first time in centuries.

**Hope you all enjoy this chapter. Some key things occur, some subtle and some not so subtle so I'm eager to see what you find. As always, thanks for giving the story a try and especially for those taking the time to leave their thoughts, especially those who sign in as guest and I can't respond personally. I really appreciate it.**


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